Rabbi
Tel Aviv, Israel
- Joined
- Feb 28, 2020
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I have been together with "John" for three years in total and we've had a great run so far. Even from early on I thought he could be the one, so I happily said yes when he asked me to marry him a few months ago, although wedding planning has been put on the back-burner for now by the virus. I thought things were great, but suddenly, I feel like we are at a serious impasse that has made things very tense between us.
With restrictions in our state winding down, we finally hosted a small get-together, which mostly included friends I had from college. I think with all the recent stress we all went a bit out and the booze was flowing freely. At one point we had a party game of sorts where the topic became kind of sexual. I don't want to get too explicit, but basically it came up whether I had ever had anal sex. I didn't feel comfortable answering, but a friend of mine who was super wasted blurted out that I did it with X and Y. I was super mad that she violated my privacy like that, but didn't want to ruin the party and we kind of laughed it off and moved on.
I thought that was it, but later that night I could tell that John seemed very upset and I asked him what was wrong. We had never really discussed our sexual history, and frankly I thought we both preferred it that way. But now John asked me very probing questions, for example how many guys I had anal sex with. I was reluctant, but answered honestly that it was about 8. He also asked me about some other acts I had done that I don't want to get into.
Then we came to the real issue. He said he felt upset that I had anal sex with all those guys, but refused to try it with him. It's true that he asked before and I said it's not something I want to do, which is true. I'm not sure how to explain it, but the act feels kind of degrading to me. I kind of enjoyed doing it in a wilder phase of my life because there was this appeal of trying something more "taboo," but only with casual partners. But I don't want a man I love and respect so much and who respects me to do that to me. The idea just sounds completely offputting to me.
I tried to explain how I felt to John but he did not see it that way. He said some hurtful things during that conversation. He knew I briefly had a thing with a baseball player in college and he said how I was "happy getting on my hand and knees to get assfucked my a left-fielder but suddenly became a prude for me." He realized he went too far and apologized immediately, but the tension between us remained palpable. We haven't been intimate since this fight if you can call it that and I am not sure how to get past this.
Has anyone dealt with anything similar? How can try to explain to John that it's not that I don't love him less and find him attractive. It's just that I'm a different person now and the kinds of things that seemed fun in my crazier college days are not something I want to repeat in a committed relationship.
tl;dr: Fiance discovered that I engaged in anal sex in previous casual relationships and is upset that I refused to do it with him. I am trying to figure out how to explain to him that this is just not act I can see myself doing with my future husband because I now see it as kind of degrading.
With restrictions in our state winding down, we finally hosted a small get-together, which mostly included friends I had from college. I think with all the recent stress we all went a bit out and the booze was flowing freely. At one point we had a party game of sorts where the topic became kind of sexual. I don't want to get too explicit, but basically it came up whether I had ever had anal sex. I didn't feel comfortable answering, but a friend of mine who was super wasted blurted out that I did it with X and Y. I was super mad that she violated my privacy like that, but didn't want to ruin the party and we kind of laughed it off and moved on.
I thought that was it, but later that night I could tell that John seemed very upset and I asked him what was wrong. We had never really discussed our sexual history, and frankly I thought we both preferred it that way. But now John asked me very probing questions, for example how many guys I had anal sex with. I was reluctant, but answered honestly that it was about 8. He also asked me about some other acts I had done that I don't want to get into.
Then we came to the real issue. He said he felt upset that I had anal sex with all those guys, but refused to try it with him. It's true that he asked before and I said it's not something I want to do, which is true. I'm not sure how to explain it, but the act feels kind of degrading to me. I kind of enjoyed doing it in a wilder phase of my life because there was this appeal of trying something more "taboo," but only with casual partners. But I don't want a man I love and respect so much and who respects me to do that to me. The idea just sounds completely offputting to me.
I tried to explain how I felt to John but he did not see it that way. He said some hurtful things during that conversation. He knew I briefly had a thing with a baseball player in college and he said how I was "happy getting on my hand and knees to get assfucked my a left-fielder but suddenly became a prude for me." He realized he went too far and apologized immediately, but the tension between us remained palpable. We haven't been intimate since this fight if you can call it that and I am not sure how to get past this.
Has anyone dealt with anything similar? How can try to explain to John that it's not that I don't love him less and find him attractive. It's just that I'm a different person now and the kinds of things that seemed fun in my crazier college days are not something I want to repeat in a committed relationship.
tl;dr: Fiance discovered that I engaged in anal sex in previous casual relationships and is upset that I refused to do it with him. I am trying to figure out how to explain to him that this is just not act I can see myself doing with my future husband because I now see it as kind of degrading.
