My current mental health and how I've turned into a fucking pussy

[Bewusst]

I no longer feel like the same person. I had quite a few traumatic events in my life for someone my age but the last two incidents really tipped me over the edge mentally.

First I got iatrogenic botulism three months ago and I thought I might be going to die. Couldn't breathe, couldn't walk, couldn't see and couldn't move properly for months, weak, bedridden, partially paralyzed, lost a ton of weight and it has started to slowly get better but I'm nowhere near 100% yet. Then my neighbor repeatedly tried to get rid of me (literally) and I was forced to leave my own apartment and stay at a hostel (still am btw) and I terminated my lease. However, my lease ends only in four months and I still need to go there sometimes to take care of things. Just the thought of it makes me sick.

I barely survived the last few months and I'm still not over the woods yet, at least not until I can leave my apartment for good. I used to be calm, objective and not very emotional, almost anhedonic. I was able to pull myself together and rarely had anxiety or fear but ever since I went through these things, I've become extremely paranoid and anxious. Certain smells make me paranoid, people sometimes, darkness makes me particularly paranoid and uneasy. I'm in a constant fight or flight mode and extremely suspicious of people I can't read. Hypervigilance, paranoia, obsession and compulsions are part of my daily life right now. I wash my hands a billion times a day and wipe/avoid surfaces that may be contaminated with botulism bacteria or that could theoretically have come into contact with residue from the botox injections I received into my forehead three months ago. I'm incredibly paranoid about cross contamination. I've thrown out freshly opened canned legumes without eating them, taken activated charcoal when I'd eaten sth that had a weird taste, used disposable gloves to put my clothes into the washing machine etc. out of paranoia. I can't help it. I'm a mess, ngl about it

 

[AlwaysHaveQuestions]

have you visit a neurologist?

 

[Bewusst]

have you visit a neurologist?

For what?

 

[Rabbi]

How’s your lung function rn?

 

[AlwaysHaveQuestions]

I no longer feel like the same person. I had quite a few traumatic events in my life for someone my age but the last two incidents really tipped me over the edge mentally.

First I got iatrogenic botulism three months ago and I thought I might be going to die. Couldn't breathe, couldn't walk, couldn't see and couldn't move properly for months, weak, bedridden, partially paralyzed, lost a ton of weight and it has started to slowly get better but I'm nowhere near 100% yet. Then my neighbor repeatedly tried to get rid of me (literally) and I was forced to leave my own apartment and stay at a hostel (still am btw) and I terminated my lease. However, my lease ends only in four months and I still need to go there sometimes to take care of things. Just the thought of it makes me sick.

I barely survived the last few months and I'm still not over the woods yet, at least not until I can leave my apartment for good. I used to be calm, objective and not very emotional, almost anhedonic. I was able to pull myself together and rarely had anxiety or fear but ever since I went through these things, I've become extremely paranoid and anxious. Certain smells make me paranoid, people sometimes, darkness makes me particularly paranoid and uneasy. I'm in a constant fight or flight mode and extremely suspicious of people I can't read. Hypervigilance, paranoia, obsession and compulsions are part of my daily life right now. I wash my hands a billion times a day and wipe/avoid surfaces that may be contaminated with botulism bacteria or that could theoretically have come into contact with residue from the botox injections I received into my forehead three months ago. I'm incredibly paranoid about cross contamination. I've thrown out freshly opened canned legumes without eating them, taken activated charcoal when I'd eaten sth that had a weird taste, used disposable gloves to put my clothes into the washing machine etc. out of paranoia. I can't help it. I'm a mess, ngl about it

nvm i thought it was the chemical that messed up your brain

 

[Bewusst]

How’s your lung function rn?

My lungs are and have been fine. The breathing difficulties were due to paralysis of respiratory muscles

 

[Rabbi]

My lungs are and have been fine. The breathing difficulties were due to paralysis of respiratory muscles

Did it fuck with your diaphragm?

 

[Bewusst]

Did it fuck with your diaphragm?

yes

 

[Deleted member 9274]

At this point the blackpill just becomes a meme. I always read some of your treads in the past about you talking about what is going on right now and it reminds me always that yes we are behind chad in most cases, but we can still walk, eat and do all kinds of basic things. I wish you some good care OP

 

[MikeMew'sBitch]

when shit like that happens you start not giving a shit about looks, sluts etc. and just want to live normally. i had an accident 2 years ago where i couldnt fully use my hand and leg for like 3 weeks and realized how unimportant looks and sluts are when you cant even walk or use mouse and keyboard properly.