ElySioNs
Mercenary
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- Feb 7, 2021
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Background. My wife [28F] and I [28M] have been together for 9 years now, and married for 5. Our relationship has had a lot of ups and downs over the years. I personally feel like a marriage should involve letting your SO know everything about yourself and your feelings. My wife would probably prefer a slightly more conventional approach.
Being the person that I am, over the years I have told my wife that I am an athiest (she is christian, but doesn't go to church anymore, that one almost broke us up before we were engaged), and I have also shared many of my own secrets that I wont go into here. Suffice it to say my wife knows everything there is to know about me.
We now have a beautiful 3 year old daughter who means everything to both of us.
As far as our sex life goes, it was really wild when we were first together, then slowly declined over the years to the point that we only had sex about once a month or so. Given my tendency to talk about my feelings there were MANY talks and arguments about our lack of a sex life. While I tried to be sensitive to her about it, she eventually got to the point that she felt like I was badgering her all the time about sex. She didn't know why she didn't want to do it more often, and she said she did really like it when we did it.
Finally about a month ago, after yet another argument with talk about how neither of us could live this way, she agreed to try more often, and I would try to pressure her less (we have tried this before with little success). Things were hit or miss at first, then she starts sexting me at work one day. That night we did it until I couldn't any more. She kissed me affectionately (she has stopped being affectionate before this), and generally acted like she couldn't get enough of me. This continued EVERY DAY for 2 weeks.
Then one day she mentions something about talking to one of her ex's from high school (one I suspected she had referenced before when she mentioned that she had regretted not having sex with a couple people in her past). I didn't think to much of it at first, but the comment was a little suggestive in nature "what would you be willing to do for something irrelevant.
Eventually it eats at me, and I do something bad. I look at her phone and computer. I find that she had deleted all of her text messages from this guy, but I did find a few snippets of facebook talk that was enough to make me upset. I felt that she was hiding things from me, so I go to her about this (at 3am). She was very upset at me, and felt that I had nothing to be angry over. She was talking to this guy because he was around at a time when she was hurt really bad by another past BF, and she could talk to him about stuff related to those issues that she couldn't really talk to me about. I told her she should be able to talk to me about those things, and finally we agreed that she would try to talk to me more, but she wanted to still be able to talk to him.
During this conversation I found out that they talked about why they didn't make it back then, and also about how his wife NEVER has sex with him. These texts all happened the same week that the sex started heating up.
It has been a couple more weeks now, and I have had suspicion that she has been deleting message from him again, so I (again, shame on me) read her text messages from a backup on her pc. They only convered a very brief period from yesterday. It started with her texting him a picture of her genatalia (which she has also sexted me at the same time). She asked him if he liked the particular grooming she had done since some previous picture she had apparently sent. Then after talking about that for a bit the subject moved to his wife. About why she wouldn't have sex with him. And apparently one of the main reasons was his large size. She told him that his wife was crazy to not like that.
So now I am not sure what to do. Divorce is NOT AN OPTION with me. So I can try to get her to stop talking to him, but she is very pig headed, and she will probably do it anyway, saying that she wasnt going to really DO anything. Or I could go the complete opposite way.
We have quite varied sexual tastes, and have often, especially lately, talked about threesomes, and swinging. I wonder if I shouldn't just let her satisfy her desires for this guy (with me present). Then maybe the obsession will let up a bit.
I really think I could be ok with it as long as she stopped hiding things from me, and she didn't stop being satisfied in bed by me.
What do you think?
p.s. I should mention, that if it weren't for this particular problem, and my paranoia about it, our relationship is PERFECT at the moment. We are both happier that we have been in years, maybe ever.
UPDATE: Thanks everyone for your advice. One thing I have realized is how hard it is to really give other people on the internet a sense of who I am, and what my relationship is about. Even with the wall of text I wrote I left out a lot of details that would probably be relavent. Things about how I have always been quite kinky, and we have talked about swinging and other taboo subjects for years. Also, I only suspected that my wife started being more sexual at the same time as she started talking to this guy. It turns out that she actually started this change a few days before she ever talked to him.
In any case, I talked to her last night. I told her that I needed her to be completely honest with me, even if she thought I might not like it. I asked her what she wanted out of her relationship with this guy. She hesitated, but finally said that what she wanted was to have sex with him. I then moved onto asking her if she was talking to him because it gave her a thrill, or because she was actually wanting to cheat. She said that she did not want to cheat on me, and it was really just a thrill. I then asked her if it would be a thrill to send him naked pictures.
She froze up for a moment and looked ashamed and mumbeled something like "I dont know, maybe". Thats when I told her I knew she had sent pictures. She asked me how I knew, and I told her. She then said she was sorry, and said she would stop talking to him if that was what I wanted. She told me that I was the most important thing in her life. Now I am sure everyone has made assumptions about me just believing anything she says, but honestly I know my wife very well, and have been right about every feeling I have had about what is going on with her. I believe that she is being honest. She is not off the hook, I made that very clear. But I think we should be able to make things work out.
Being the person that I am, over the years I have told my wife that I am an athiest (she is christian, but doesn't go to church anymore, that one almost broke us up before we were engaged), and I have also shared many of my own secrets that I wont go into here. Suffice it to say my wife knows everything there is to know about me.
We now have a beautiful 3 year old daughter who means everything to both of us.
As far as our sex life goes, it was really wild when we were first together, then slowly declined over the years to the point that we only had sex about once a month or so. Given my tendency to talk about my feelings there were MANY talks and arguments about our lack of a sex life. While I tried to be sensitive to her about it, she eventually got to the point that she felt like I was badgering her all the time about sex. She didn't know why she didn't want to do it more often, and she said she did really like it when we did it.
Finally about a month ago, after yet another argument with talk about how neither of us could live this way, she agreed to try more often, and I would try to pressure her less (we have tried this before with little success). Things were hit or miss at first, then she starts sexting me at work one day. That night we did it until I couldn't any more. She kissed me affectionately (she has stopped being affectionate before this), and generally acted like she couldn't get enough of me. This continued EVERY DAY for 2 weeks.
Then one day she mentions something about talking to one of her ex's from high school (one I suspected she had referenced before when she mentioned that she had regretted not having sex with a couple people in her past). I didn't think to much of it at first, but the comment was a little suggestive in nature "what would you be willing to do for something irrelevant.
Eventually it eats at me, and I do something bad. I look at her phone and computer. I find that she had deleted all of her text messages from this guy, but I did find a few snippets of facebook talk that was enough to make me upset. I felt that she was hiding things from me, so I go to her about this (at 3am). She was very upset at me, and felt that I had nothing to be angry over. She was talking to this guy because he was around at a time when she was hurt really bad by another past BF, and she could talk to him about stuff related to those issues that she couldn't really talk to me about. I told her she should be able to talk to me about those things, and finally we agreed that she would try to talk to me more, but she wanted to still be able to talk to him.
During this conversation I found out that they talked about why they didn't make it back then, and also about how his wife NEVER has sex with him. These texts all happened the same week that the sex started heating up.
It has been a couple more weeks now, and I have had suspicion that she has been deleting message from him again, so I (again, shame on me) read her text messages from a backup on her pc. They only convered a very brief period from yesterday. It started with her texting him a picture of her genatalia (which she has also sexted me at the same time). She asked him if he liked the particular grooming she had done since some previous picture she had apparently sent. Then after talking about that for a bit the subject moved to his wife. About why she wouldn't have sex with him. And apparently one of the main reasons was his large size. She told him that his wife was crazy to not like that.
So now I am not sure what to do. Divorce is NOT AN OPTION with me. So I can try to get her to stop talking to him, but she is very pig headed, and she will probably do it anyway, saying that she wasnt going to really DO anything. Or I could go the complete opposite way.
We have quite varied sexual tastes, and have often, especially lately, talked about threesomes, and swinging. I wonder if I shouldn't just let her satisfy her desires for this guy (with me present). Then maybe the obsession will let up a bit.
I really think I could be ok with it as long as she stopped hiding things from me, and she didn't stop being satisfied in bed by me.
What do you think?
p.s. I should mention, that if it weren't for this particular problem, and my paranoia about it, our relationship is PERFECT at the moment. We are both happier that we have been in years, maybe ever.
UPDATE: Thanks everyone for your advice. One thing I have realized is how hard it is to really give other people on the internet a sense of who I am, and what my relationship is about. Even with the wall of text I wrote I left out a lot of details that would probably be relavent. Things about how I have always been quite kinky, and we have talked about swinging and other taboo subjects for years. Also, I only suspected that my wife started being more sexual at the same time as she started talking to this guy. It turns out that she actually started this change a few days before she ever talked to him.
In any case, I talked to her last night. I told her that I needed her to be completely honest with me, even if she thought I might not like it. I asked her what she wanted out of her relationship with this guy. She hesitated, but finally said that what she wanted was to have sex with him. I then moved onto asking her if she was talking to him because it gave her a thrill, or because she was actually wanting to cheat. She said that she did not want to cheat on me, and it was really just a thrill. I then asked her if it would be a thrill to send him naked pictures.
She froze up for a moment and looked ashamed and mumbeled something like "I dont know, maybe". Thats when I told her I knew she had sent pictures. She asked me how I knew, and I told her. She then said she was sorry, and said she would stop talking to him if that was what I wanted. She told me that I was the most important thing in her life. Now I am sure everyone has made assumptions about me just believing anything she says, but honestly I know my wife very well, and have been right about every feeling I have had about what is going on with her. I believe that she is being honest. She is not off the hook, I made that very clear. But I think we should be able to make things work out.
