M
mm1024u10294u
Bronze
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2023
- Posts
- 345
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I don’t have a traumatic childhood. My father disappeared from my life and most of my family cut contact with me and I had to take care of my mother emotionally growing up. I was diagnosed with Asperger’s (autism now) and I suffered with anger issues at the same time. I struggled in school and social circles, I found that wearing a mask young would allow me to fit in.
My stepdad came into my life and disciplined me. He is a masculine role model but he is emotionally neglectful and we can’t hold a conversation. I find myself trying to prove my strength to him by fighting and lifting. He says he’s proud of me but I don’t believe it that’s why I feel I have to do something big and impossible for him to respect me.
I never got girls (Although it doesn’t bother me because I’ve known for a while that it was over) and for a long time I have also suffered with health problems which made me lonelier because it’s hard to talk to people about. I’ve self harmed once before but I stopped when I realized that people would see the scars and say they were for attention. So I resorted to addictions, I suffer an escort addiction which has made me worse.
I don’t have a traumatic childhood so I have nowhere to direct my constant pain, sadness and anger. I have no one to hate and I don’t have a traumatic event that causes me to wake up in a panic. I’ve always been picked on causing me to be in a constant state where I am ready to fight.
I’m hoping that once I join the army, specifically special forces I can suffer enough ptsd for people to feel sympathy for me or for me to have something I can get angry about. It hurts being angry at something invisible. Compared to you guys my life has been easy yet I feel so sad and angry all the time.
I will probably be in prison by the time I’m 35 and continue the cycle of hate started by my father. I feel like deep down it’s all feelings of inadequacy, I’m so far gone that they will never go away.
My stepdad came into my life and disciplined me. He is a masculine role model but he is emotionally neglectful and we can’t hold a conversation. I find myself trying to prove my strength to him by fighting and lifting. He says he’s proud of me but I don’t believe it that’s why I feel I have to do something big and impossible for him to respect me.
I never got girls (Although it doesn’t bother me because I’ve known for a while that it was over) and for a long time I have also suffered with health problems which made me lonelier because it’s hard to talk to people about. I’ve self harmed once before but I stopped when I realized that people would see the scars and say they were for attention. So I resorted to addictions, I suffer an escort addiction which has made me worse.
I don’t have a traumatic childhood so I have nowhere to direct my constant pain, sadness and anger. I have no one to hate and I don’t have a traumatic event that causes me to wake up in a panic. I’ve always been picked on causing me to be in a constant state where I am ready to fight.
I’m hoping that once I join the army, specifically special forces I can suffer enough ptsd for people to feel sympathy for me or for me to have something I can get angry about. It hurts being angry at something invisible. Compared to you guys my life has been easy yet I feel so sad and angry all the time.
I will probably be in prison by the time I’m 35 and continue the cycle of hate started by my father. I feel like deep down it’s all feelings of inadequacy, I’m so far gone that they will never go away.
reading this, im rooting for you bro, believe you can do good and i sincerely hope you improve your life