RICHCELDOM
Time flies.
- Joined
- Jun 7, 2024
- Posts
- 7,180
- Reputation
- 9,333
I am turning 27 in 2 and a half months. I have no relationship, I have no career, I have no friends, I'm living at home with my mother again and I have literally no-one I can talk to to about how I'm feeling. My entire life is a pathetic joke, and the only reason I leave the house is to walk my dog and buy essentials.
It hurts a lot watching so many people have all these friendships and relationships with others, having people who care for them and actually ask them how they're doing. I can't remember the last time someone messaged me, and when I message them, 99% of the time I only get a single polite reply and then utter silence. No-one cares about interacting with me, and it's exhausting, not even my family.
Whenever I get motivated and go out and try to improve my life, it only lasts until I realize that no-one cares, and then I lose motivation and stop again. I used to be so crippled by social anxiety that I couldn't look people in the eye, and I spent years overcoming that and learning to interact with people and it was great, and for a while I thought I had actual friends, but then suddenly I realized that no-one spoke to me unless I spoke to them first, and that actually I had no friends at all, only acquaintances.
Members of my family are doing well for themselves. My mother finally has a nice boyfriend after 30 years, my sister has a nice car and a fantastic job and everyone likes her, and my cousin works really hard and has a beautiful girlfriend and daughter and was able to buy a house at 24 years old. I have nothing, and I don't think any of them really like me. My sister came over to my house a couple of days ago and usually I go and say hello to her, but this time I wanted to see what happened if I didn't, and she never even bothered to talk to me. Worse than that, no-one even told she was here, and I only knew because I heard her talking to my mother in the garden.
It's been like this for as long as I remember. I've never had anyone, no-one has ever made an effort with me. When it was my 19th birthday, me and my mother and grandmother arranged to go out for a quiet meal to celebrate, but they surprised me with a party at our local pub. There was a big buffet spread and music and decorations and all sorts, and no-one else showed up. I remember my mother and grandmother phoning members of my family to see if they'd stop by my party, and no-one did. I never had another party, and I still cry sometimes thinking about that.
I'm just so tired of it all. No matter how many times I try to push out of it, I end up dragged back in again. I'm so tired of constantly being sad, of constantly knowing I'm worthless, that I can't find a job, that I can't make friends, that I'll probably die alone, and it all terrifies me and I don't know what to do. I can't think of a single person who would actually give a shit about me after my mum and grandparents pass. I'm scared of turning into that lonely old man with nothing and no-one.
I don't want to be like this, I want to have people who care about me and be happy, but it just seems like it's an impossible task, and I constantly think about suicide because I feel like that's the only option I have left to escape the misery that is my life. I always told myself I would never kill myself, that I would never give up, but I've completely missed out on my teenage years and most of my 20s now. I've missed out on what is meant to be the best part of my life, and I have nothing to show for it. I even started fantasizing about being able to run in front of a bus to save a child or something because at least then I can be dead and still remembered as a guy who sacrificed himself to save someone who had more worth than him. At least then my life might have had some meaning. But right now I have nothing left and I don't know what to do.
It hurts a lot watching so many people have all these friendships and relationships with others, having people who care for them and actually ask them how they're doing. I can't remember the last time someone messaged me, and when I message them, 99% of the time I only get a single polite reply and then utter silence. No-one cares about interacting with me, and it's exhausting, not even my family.
Whenever I get motivated and go out and try to improve my life, it only lasts until I realize that no-one cares, and then I lose motivation and stop again. I used to be so crippled by social anxiety that I couldn't look people in the eye, and I spent years overcoming that and learning to interact with people and it was great, and for a while I thought I had actual friends, but then suddenly I realized that no-one spoke to me unless I spoke to them first, and that actually I had no friends at all, only acquaintances.
Members of my family are doing well for themselves. My mother finally has a nice boyfriend after 30 years, my sister has a nice car and a fantastic job and everyone likes her, and my cousin works really hard and has a beautiful girlfriend and daughter and was able to buy a house at 24 years old. I have nothing, and I don't think any of them really like me. My sister came over to my house a couple of days ago and usually I go and say hello to her, but this time I wanted to see what happened if I didn't, and she never even bothered to talk to me. Worse than that, no-one even told she was here, and I only knew because I heard her talking to my mother in the garden.
It's been like this for as long as I remember. I've never had anyone, no-one has ever made an effort with me. When it was my 19th birthday, me and my mother and grandmother arranged to go out for a quiet meal to celebrate, but they surprised me with a party at our local pub. There was a big buffet spread and music and decorations and all sorts, and no-one else showed up. I remember my mother and grandmother phoning members of my family to see if they'd stop by my party, and no-one did. I never had another party, and I still cry sometimes thinking about that.
I'm just so tired of it all. No matter how many times I try to push out of it, I end up dragged back in again. I'm so tired of constantly being sad, of constantly knowing I'm worthless, that I can't find a job, that I can't make friends, that I'll probably die alone, and it all terrifies me and I don't know what to do. I can't think of a single person who would actually give a shit about me after my mum and grandparents pass. I'm scared of turning into that lonely old man with nothing and no-one.
I don't want to be like this, I want to have people who care about me and be happy, but it just seems like it's an impossible task, and I constantly think about suicide because I feel like that's the only option I have left to escape the misery that is my life. I always told myself I would never kill myself, that I would never give up, but I've completely missed out on my teenage years and most of my 20s now. I've missed out on what is meant to be the best part of my life, and I have nothing to show for it. I even started fantasizing about being able to run in front of a bus to save a child or something because at least then I can be dead and still remembered as a guy who sacrificed himself to save someone who had more worth than him. At least then my life might have had some meaning. But right now I have nothing left and I don't know what to do.
