Not sucidial, but do imagine shooting my right side of face.

[NateJacobs]

soundtrack


I am not suicidal and wouldn't kill myself even if I was because of hell and things of that nature, but does anybody else imagine blowing their head off? Or just killing themselves in general but NOT actually being suicidal? I do not vividly think about how it would look or anything, but for the last 15ish minutes I have been pacing around my room pretending to drive to a cave in the woods with an AR15 and shoot the ride side of my face and just kms. I have had similar thoughts for like a year now where I just shoot myself in the head, usually shooting my more subhuman side.

Also imagine a version of myself and I just beat the shit out of him and stop the right side of my face in, and even before the BP, I would imagine if a future version came back in time to see me, he would obviously be there to kill me. This general theme has been apparent since 8th grade (4 years now). I understand why I do it; I hate myself, and before, I would imagine killing myself, but literally, killing a version of myself while in my own body. Also, I thought I would kill myself after high school. When I was in 8th grade, a lot of my problems got worse that year and have just stayed and are now normal to me. Sometimes i imagine bashing my head in the wall, smashing the right side of my face with a mallet and yesterday I punched myself in the right side of the face and it did kinda hurt but it was only one punch idek remember what made me mad to do that. i used to imagine hanging myself back in 8th grade and did a pathetic hanging with one of my long sleeve hoodies back then. I was not actually trying to kill myself not really i did kinda want to but i knew obv i would not be able to hang myself with my weak ass closet rail and clothes. if i had acess to a gun i might have killed myself there was this one time i still really remeber i was doing so horrible in online school, i had a D or F in all my classes and was missing so much homework in math that i cried because i could not understand the work and i hated doing it and it was stressing me out so i just stood up in my kitchen crying thinking talking to myself on how my mom would have 1 son be a fucking idiot and the other 1 with actual potential would just kill himself before 20.

Everytime around this time of year i get so depressed i am realizing, last year i bagged my 1 year long oneitis and literally cried Christmas morning even tho i got the 1 gift i wanted and a pair of PJs and at that time i had gotten the girl of my dreams. But guess what, i had no family and was alone im shcoked i didn;t get attached to my old onetis. Gonna save this for another vent thread honestly im going off topic.

 

[CookieGuy]

Look at this everytime you think of doing it

 

[NateJacobs]

View attachment 3377987
Look at this everytime you think of doing it

trying to kill youself because of your shite life and then surving to live an even worse one.life is cruel to people

 

[CookieGuy]

trying to kill youself because of your shite life and then surving to live an even worse one.life is cruel to people

It’s so brutal. And if you try to do it again it won’t work, because people are gonna guard you and make sure you don’t end your life like you’re a mental institution patient

 

[DeadmansWonderland]

Did you ever daydream about doing it in class? Or suddenly being killed from crazy things? Like a rogue sniper or some shit in the middle of a lecture?

 

[NateJacobs]

Did you ever daydream about doing it in class? Or suddenly being killed from crazy things? Like a rogue sniper or some shit in the middle of a lecture?

Not really. I do remember Vaguley a couple weeks ago thinking about if a group of militans just came to our school and we were pretty much guaranteed to get killed by them. In 8th grade, I did online school, so I talked to no women besides my mom that whole year, and I barely talk to her and my brother. I literally speak maybe 15-25 words a week max.

 

[DeadmansWonderland]

Not really. I do remember Vaguley a couple weeks ago thinking about if a group of militans just came to our school and we were pretty much guaranteed to get killed by them. In 8th grade, I did online school, so I talked to no women besides my mom that whole year, and I barely talk to her and my brother. I literally speak maybe 15-25 words a week max.

Jesus that's wild my condolences. Online school sucks at a young age. But yeah something kind of like that though but of varying scales or situations. I would play it out in my mind and change aspects, think how others/myself would react, etc.

 

[FaceandBBC]

View attachment 3377987
Look at this everytime you think of doing it

I'll just never understand how people fail to commit suicide with a shotgun blast to the face.

 

[NateJacobs]

Jesus that's wild my condolences. Online school sucks at a young age. But yeah something kind of like that though but of varying scales or situations. I would play it out in my mind and change aspects, think how others/myself would react, etc.

Oh my days that just reminded me a couple weeks ago i imagined what my onetis would think if i dropped dead next to her i imagined despite her not wanting me, she would care for me and be sad that i died and would talk about it but eventually not gaf. I imagine my funeral would be small; my mom would try and invite my old elementary friends who I haven't been friends with since 7th grade, and none would come, of course. It would be even more depressing since I have no extended family for them most of the time, so it would be my mom, and maybe 1-3 of my only friends would maybe go. I also think about how I would not leave a note because, even in death, I'm too self-conscious to tell people how I feel, but on. Here, nobdoy knows me so idgaf im a mentally retarded idrc

 

[DeadmansWonderland]

Oh my days that just reminded me a couple weeks ago i imagined what my onetis would think if i dropped dead next to her i imagined despite her not wanting me, she would care for me and be sad that i died and would talk about it but eventually not gaf. I imagine my funeral would be small; my mom would try and invite my old elementary friends who I haven't been friends with since 7th grade, and none would come, of course. It would be even more depressing since I have no extended family for them most of the time, so it would be my mom, and maybe 1-3 of my only friends would maybe go. I also think about how I would not leave a note because, even in death, I'm too self-conscious to tell people how I feel, but on. Here, nobdoy knows me so idgaf im a mentally retarded idrc

Yep done that before, but mainly in relation to death. Yukio Mishima I believe mentioned reflection on death. Or maybe it was Yamamoto? Anyway it's kind of like mediation in a way on it. But yeah I feel that as well. Nobody says whay they say online irl just because it's a completely different persona