personal vent / ocdfag

[sensen]

I have a Fiancee, and a home with her and a small, but decent social life.. but here lately I just can't shake this feeling that no one GETS me. I'm OCD, Tourettes, ADHD, agoraphobic, slightly possibly autistic, all that gay shit.. and like, I just constantly feel like I'm living some hidden underground life.. some weird life where I autistically obsess over looksmax and shit. Everything feels contrived. I feel like I have created a false life, and have been living in it since childhood. I feel like I have no idea who I even am anymore, and it makes me wonder what the people close to me think of me.

the other day my fiancee and her girlfriend were talking about who is good looking in Hollywood, and I throw out some obvious names, and they come back with shit tier 5.5 psl guys with bad bones.. so I amp it up a bit, and start throwing out male models. I name like 15..

They're baffled at how and why I know so many random male models. She thinks it's weird. And the unfortunate truth is she's right. This shit is not normal, but I feel being a weird ass ENTP type OCD fuck has led me here, and I'll never get away. I'm too self aware. I am hyper aware of everything about me and my surroundings and I just feel like Patrick Bateman. Sorry I have no medical insurance so no therapist, you guys gotta deal.

 

[redhandsbluehands]

you feel like you're living two lives?

 

[sensen]

you feel like you're living two lives?

More like I'm a Lizard in a skinsuit larping a human.

 

[Deleted member 9380]

you get the beeeeeeeeeest of both worlds

 

[Alt Number 3]

wrong move man...
1 she thinks ur a closet homo
2 she will now masturbate to ur reccomendations

 

[sensen]

It's like letting anyone into the hellscape that is my mind only draws people away because they see how fucked I am. Which leaves me with the choice, do I prefer to be socially ostracized or fraudulent as fuck

 

[Alt Number 3]

mirin patrick bateman reference tho, for non obvious reasons

 

[sensen]

wrong move man...
1 she thinks ur a closet homo
2 she will now masturbate to ur reccomendations

I was signed to a small modelling agency in my late teens, so t started me on trying to understand how to enhance myself, which led me to comparing and contrasting and phenotyping etc.. she knows that, but idk..

 

[alligatordude]

same bro

hyper awareness / analysis of everything to do with what you call "life"

 

[Alt Number 3]

I was signed to a small modelling agency in my late teens, so t started me on trying to understand how to enhance myself, which led me to comparing and contrasting and phenotyping etc.. she knows that, but idk..

i was playing man.

 

[sensen]

same bro

hyper awareness / analysis of everything to due with what you call "life"

It is draining. I've noticed it's gotten way worse since my OCD got bad. Staying in the house, avoiding life, using the computer too much, constant research, learning about every fucking spec of human history, and anthropology etc.. all that gay shit.. It's just turned me into a shell of myself that I dont even recognize.

 

[alligatordude]

imo

dont go down learning about the world around you in terms of how all modern societal construct shit works like central banking, who pulls the strings, the planned future of humanity, actual conspiracy shit, and what actually goes down...

just adds another layer on ur hyper awareness of the world

sure u arent a perception slave anymore but u wont be happy

 

[sensen]

Through years of learning about/focusing on the external, you completely lose touch with the internal. I tried meditation, I had a panic attack after 2 minutes.

 

[alligatordude]

Through years of learning about/focusing on the external, you completely lose touch with the internal. I tried meditation, I had a panic attack after 2 minutes.

if you want to learn about the "internal" and what life really is, dont fall in Abrahamic religion, its all inverted shit to trick people into worshipping things they shouldnt worship and to practice things that doesnt mean anything

its cope

 

[sensen]

imo

dont go down learning about the world around you in terms of how all modern societal construct shit works like central banking, who pulls the strings, the planned future of humanity, actual conspiracy shit, and what actually goes down...

just adds another layer on ur hyper awareness of the world

sure u arent a perception slave anymore but u wont be happy

Oh bruh, I'm deeply red and pretty much blackpilled on JQ, politics, race.. all that shit. It's definitely only made it worse. Fell into White Nationalism hardcore and though I still strive to be the man my race needs me to be one day, I had to get away from it. Around the time all the nogs started burning down American cities, I went like full prepper mode and had a mental snap.

 

[sensen]

if you want to learn about the "internal" and what life really is, dont fall in Abrahamic religion, its all inverted shit to trick people into worshipping things they shouldnt worship and to practice things that doesnt mean anything

its cope

Also Pagan. ye

 

[alligatordude]

Also Pagan. ye

ah, im not pagan, im naturally gnosticism, which is all based around first hand spiritual experience and evolvement and understanding that this reality is an illusion as its not the ultimate reality

Oh bruh, I'm deeply red and pretty much blackpilled on JQ, politics, race.. all that shit. It's definitely only made it worse. Fell into White Nationalism hardcore and though I still strive to be the man my race needs me to be one day, I had to get away from it. Around the time all the nogs started burning down American cities, I went like full prepper mode and had a mental snap.

politics is cope bro, its to give people an illusion they have freedom and a right in deciding how their country is led, its all bullshit


yeah white replacement is definitely a thing, its more about the diversity aspect, its about divide and conquer, a community comprised of people who share complete different values, virtues, views, etc is so easy to control, rather than a nationalistic monorhinic race with all the same views

 

[sensen]

ah, im not pagan, im naturally gnosticism, which is all based around first hand spiritual experience and evolvement and understanding that this reality is an illusion as its not the ultimate reality

politics is cope bro, its to give people an illusion they have freedom and a right in deciding how their country is led, its all bullshit


yeah white replacement is definitely a thing, its more about the diversity aspect, its about divide and conquer, a community comprised of people who share complete different values, virtues, views, etc is so easy to control, rather than a nationalistic monorhinic race with all the same views

You dont need to tell me. Not normie politics, i dont give a fuck about red gang vs blue gang psyop kosher sandwich nonsense, but like the deeper politics of what goes on behind the scenes with lobbying and plutocratic joos.

And exactly, divide and conquer disallows people from ever getting on the same page to do anything about the the corruption.

 

[alligatordude]

You dont need to tell me. Not normie politics, i dont give a fuck about red gang vs blue gang psyop kosher sandwich nonsense, but like the deeper politics of what goes on behind the scenes with lobbying and plutocratic joos.

And exactly, divide and conquer disallows people from ever getting on the same page to do anything about the the corruption.

yep exactly.....

people really get so mentally invested in pepsi vs coke elections

 

[sensen]

and yeah Gnosticism is rooted in truth. I just thnk the Indo European philosophy is more complete, and supreme. Gnosticism can fall in line with that and vice versa

 

[alligatordude]

fyi u have a girlfriend, so u have good opportunity to JUST HAVE DISCIPLINE....
stop staying in ur house, strictly hang with ur girlfriend, or her friends, or make friends, always do something with people when u can, and get into hobbies that take up time and that train discipline, like physical combat sports, boxing, mma, etc

 

[sensen]

fyi u have a girlfriend, so u have good opportunity to JUST HAVE DISCIPLINE....
stop staying in ur house, strictly hang with ur girlfriend, or her friends, or make friends, always do something with people when u can, and get into hobbies that take up time and that train discipline, like physical combat sports, boxing, mma, etc

Easier said than done with where I am mentally/physically right now2 but im working towards it.

 

[alligatordude]

Easier said than done with where I am mentally/physically right now2 but im working towards it.

well im in ur situation excpept no girlfriend or friends

i also got ocd, adhd,

 

[sensen]

well im in ur situation excpept no girlfriend or friends

i also got ocd, adhd,

One of my issues is breathing, heart racing from anxiety and being physically unhealthy. That combination makes things like combat sports pretty much impossible without fainting or constant panic attacks. I think I need to continue focusing on gaining weight, get back into lifting, which will allow me to get more comfortable with being slightly out of breath and fatigued. Ive stared at a computer for so long, I forgot how to know if I'm physically okay or not. As you probably know, OCD will literally transform you into a delusional person.

But hang in there bro, i know your pain.

 

[alligatordude]

One of my issues is breathing, heart racing from anxiety and being physically unhealthy. That combination makes things like combat sports pretty much impossible without fainting or constant panic attacks. I think I need to continue focusing on gaining weight, get back into lifting, which will allow me to get more comfortable with being slightly out of breath and fatigued. Ive stared at a computer for so long, I forgot how to know if I'm physically okay or not. As you probably know, OCD will literally transform you into a delusional person.

But hang in there bro, i know your pain.

like ur really skinny?

 

[sensen]

like ur really skinny?

Oh yeah. My OCD has led me to a massive phobia of food and anything that could potentially make me sick, which drastically lowers the amount of food I allow myself to eat. I am aas skinny now as I was in 6th grade, only difference is now I'm like 5 inches taller. Sketchy.

I've pretty much accepted that this can only end in two ways; me accepting my death and eventually fainting and smacking my head on the ground and leading me to a feeding tube, or manning the fuck up and telling OCD to fuck off.

 

[alligatordude]

Oh yeah. My OCD has led me to a massive phobia of food and anything that could potentially make me sick, which drastically lowers the amount of food I allow myself to eat. I am aas skinny now as I was in 6th grade, only difference is now I'm like 5 inches taller. Sketchy.

I've pretty much accepted that this can only end in two ways; me accepting my death and eventually fainting and smacking my head on the ground and leading me to a feeding tube, or manning the fuck up and telling OCD to fuck off.

man up gain weight

 

[sensen]

man up gain weight

Thanks for the talk bro. I'm gonna post progress pics on here when I get where I'm going.