D
Deleted member 23558
God make my neurotransmitters great inc
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It seems when a man turns 20,violence bursts forth in all his veins. When domination seems to bethe very fabric of reality. The great phallic power known to all but eunuchs and women seem toshow itself most readily to these young men. 20 is no magic number but in my situation it seems tobe the mark of the beast where my nervous system seems to be innervated by some strange power.
The sudden deluge of lust and anger during puberty seems to pale in comparision when a youngmen suddenly comes to know the world for what it truly is and becomes angry,very angry.Forpuberty is not accompanied by consciousness or experience(atleast in the modern world) since aman of 14 still remains very much a child whilst in earlier epochs it wouldn’t have been so.A 21 stcentury adolescent becomes a man at 20 or 23 or 25(some unfortunately never seem to). At thisjuncture the young lad seems to become a hero in a world where the conditions for heroism doesn’texist. He wants to fight a great serpent, or die after slewing thousands. Instead his urge for violenceseems to be transmitted more and more into a draining,degenerate activity that dissolves his vitalenergy. Pornography and its likes have wreaked havoc on modern man. The peace we have now isan effeminate peace, one can smell its putrid scent in the air. It is not the golden basked,melancholic, spring like peace of beautiful fragrance after a blood filled war. Simply the modernyoung male is not a male in the strictest sense of the word .
I wanted to change all that. At 19 I held in my sacred juice for 6 months, resisting all seduction evenin a simulacra of women crafted to look like the most fertile, the most enticing. In this period Iobtained violence unknown to my psyche. Truly I enjoyed this strength, basking in its glory like a lionbasks upon its pride (no pun intented). When an organism seems to restrict one of its mainevolutionary functions it seems the involution of strength and Will is reversed even if the involutionhad been happening for a long time. In this period I walked in the Sun for an hour everyday atnoon,its light and heat pervading my marrow, filling me with strength and pride. My beardgrew,bigger than it had been before and although I was not a physical specimen the mere thought ofa warrior like Being I was Becoming filled me with delight.
This violence bursting forth from me seemed to be tinged with a desire for death and annihilationinterlaced with an ardent love for life. They both seemed to complement each other. Like lovers whohave never known each other finally exploring and finding what the other is. Then deciding to bringforth offspring who share both these charecterestics but is neither. A new strength, a new pride, anew Man is what I was becoming.
This pride is what eventually supplanted me.My strength had to express itself, it had to kill or it hadto create. I did neither and that was my downfall. Oh how I hate the lucky few who for various reasons never ejaculated, never saw evil. But I convinced myself there is strength in dying and risinganew. Those who never did the deed I saw as sparrows -the lucky ,happy ones but the phoenix ishigher in glory .I consoled myself with this metaphor. For if these sparrows felt the strength andpride I did in these 6 months then how unfair life has been to me and how do they still remain sparrows! You who spat back the arrow at me for my innocent pride , now I declare internecine iatrogeneis! Now I no longer need you. This strength convinced me that I will attain all strength. Atthe very moment I suffer in a distant future, writhing in terrible agony I will shout Eli… Eli..LammaSabacthani ,an endless alleluia lost in desolate space. And then I will arise again.
The sudden deluge of lust and anger during puberty seems to pale in comparision when a youngmen suddenly comes to know the world for what it truly is and becomes angry,very angry.Forpuberty is not accompanied by consciousness or experience(atleast in the modern world) since aman of 14 still remains very much a child whilst in earlier epochs it wouldn’t have been so.A 21 stcentury adolescent becomes a man at 20 or 23 or 25(some unfortunately never seem to). At thisjuncture the young lad seems to become a hero in a world where the conditions for heroism doesn’texist. He wants to fight a great serpent, or die after slewing thousands. Instead his urge for violenceseems to be transmitted more and more into a draining,degenerate activity that dissolves his vitalenergy. Pornography and its likes have wreaked havoc on modern man. The peace we have now isan effeminate peace, one can smell its putrid scent in the air. It is not the golden basked,melancholic, spring like peace of beautiful fragrance after a blood filled war. Simply the modernyoung male is not a male in the strictest sense of the word .
I wanted to change all that. At 19 I held in my sacred juice for 6 months, resisting all seduction evenin a simulacra of women crafted to look like the most fertile, the most enticing. In this period Iobtained violence unknown to my psyche. Truly I enjoyed this strength, basking in its glory like a lionbasks upon its pride (no pun intented). When an organism seems to restrict one of its mainevolutionary functions it seems the involution of strength and Will is reversed even if the involutionhad been happening for a long time. In this period I walked in the Sun for an hour everyday atnoon,its light and heat pervading my marrow, filling me with strength and pride. My beardgrew,bigger than it had been before and although I was not a physical specimen the mere thought ofa warrior like Being I was Becoming filled me with delight.
This violence bursting forth from me seemed to be tinged with a desire for death and annihilationinterlaced with an ardent love for life. They both seemed to complement each other. Like lovers whohave never known each other finally exploring and finding what the other is. Then deciding to bringforth offspring who share both these charecterestics but is neither. A new strength, a new pride, anew Man is what I was becoming.
This pride is what eventually supplanted me.My strength had to express itself, it had to kill or it hadto create. I did neither and that was my downfall. Oh how I hate the lucky few who for various reasons never ejaculated, never saw evil. But I convinced myself there is strength in dying and risinganew. Those who never did the deed I saw as sparrows -the lucky ,happy ones but the phoenix ishigher in glory .I consoled myself with this metaphor. For if these sparrows felt the strength andpride I did in these 6 months then how unfair life has been to me and how do they still remain sparrows! You who spat back the arrow at me for my innocent pride , now I declare internecine iatrogeneis! Now I no longer need you. This strength convinced me that I will attain all strength. Atthe very moment I suffer in a distant future, writhing in terrible agony I will shout Eli… Eli..LammaSabacthani ,an endless alleluia lost in desolate space. And then I will arise again.
