jack50
Iron
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- Sep 27, 2025
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Long time accountless lurker here, let's get started.
For background, I used to be a super shy, super fat kid and cripplingly insecure but I managed to find a way to actually come off as charming and actually enjoyable to be around. Here's the methods I used, to the point people would literally ask me how I was so good conversationally and how I could talk to people (including girls) easily (not bragging, it is actually much easier once you get this down)
Key Concept: Presence
I get it, you've heard it all before "just be present bro/just meditate bro" - the point here is really that you have to learn to switch off your brain from the constant analysis mode it's biologically hardwired to be in. Back when we were constantly in danger, humans would very rarely have time to relax due to predatory threats etc so those who are in constant analysis danger mode would be more likely to survive. What this means, however, is that it has completely fucked our ability to be socially relaxed for the most part. It's why you ask yourself "What if she thinks I'm creepy? What if I come off as x or y? What if I choose the wrong dialogue option?" constantly mid conversation, then you're stuttering and you didn't listen to what was said because you were too focused on the perfect eye contact ratio. It's because you are treating conversation/flirtation as a test with right and wrong answers. Not to say there isn't good and awful options, but you will always come off as awkward and bumbling if you perceive interaction this way. You need to learn to leave the "office" of the mind (the overanalysis part) and enter into the present part, where you aren't consumed by constant thought and cortisol. You can use the "office" when you are working, have problems to solve etc but improving social skills is not a problem you can fix with analysis. That's the key detail.
So how do you do this?
Your mind is most likely constantly running and overworking itself with anxieties about both your past and your future. This removes your ability to be present. The way you come back to the present (and you aren't seen as an anxious nervous awkward loser) is you have to treat your immediate environment as if it is the only thing that exists (That's because it literally is, the past and present do not exist) which therefore makes anyone you talk to literally the most important thing in the world. You are incredibly interested in them, but not in a thirsty way (being thirsty would imply that you are looking to gain from the interaction, which means you are thinking too much about yourself and remain in the office of your mind), but in a curious way. Treat every moment the way it should be - as if it is the only thing that is real. You have to learn to tune out your own head and turn all of your attention outward, rather than inward. If you are genuinely only thinking and perceiving outwardly, it's impossible for you to be perceived as insecure and awkward, or boring.
Why does this work, and how to practice it
This is a particularly powerful mindset social, as it nukes your inhib, and you actually find people around you incredibly interesting, and due to your curiosity, they find you incredibly charming, attentive and relaxed. They will reflect the feelings you radiate. Also, the fact that you aren't talking to girls with the subconscious anxiety that you are trying to sleep with them at all times and that they are making you nervous will, paradoxically, make you incredibly more socially attractive. It also makes it easier to make friends and ultimately improves your life.
Hope this helps, I have a few more concepts and expansions on this, but I will leave it for now, any questions, let me know I will try and help.
For background, I used to be a super shy, super fat kid and cripplingly insecure but I managed to find a way to actually come off as charming and actually enjoyable to be around. Here's the methods I used, to the point people would literally ask me how I was so good conversationally and how I could talk to people (including girls) easily (not bragging, it is actually much easier once you get this down)
Key Concept: Presence
I get it, you've heard it all before "just be present bro/just meditate bro" - the point here is really that you have to learn to switch off your brain from the constant analysis mode it's biologically hardwired to be in. Back when we were constantly in danger, humans would very rarely have time to relax due to predatory threats etc so those who are in constant analysis danger mode would be more likely to survive. What this means, however, is that it has completely fucked our ability to be socially relaxed for the most part. It's why you ask yourself "What if she thinks I'm creepy? What if I come off as x or y? What if I choose the wrong dialogue option?" constantly mid conversation, then you're stuttering and you didn't listen to what was said because you were too focused on the perfect eye contact ratio. It's because you are treating conversation/flirtation as a test with right and wrong answers. Not to say there isn't good and awful options, but you will always come off as awkward and bumbling if you perceive interaction this way. You need to learn to leave the "office" of the mind (the overanalysis part) and enter into the present part, where you aren't consumed by constant thought and cortisol. You can use the "office" when you are working, have problems to solve etc but improving social skills is not a problem you can fix with analysis. That's the key detail.
So how do you do this?
Your mind is most likely constantly running and overworking itself with anxieties about both your past and your future. This removes your ability to be present. The way you come back to the present (and you aren't seen as an anxious nervous awkward loser) is you have to treat your immediate environment as if it is the only thing that exists (That's because it literally is, the past and present do not exist) which therefore makes anyone you talk to literally the most important thing in the world. You are incredibly interested in them, but not in a thirsty way (being thirsty would imply that you are looking to gain from the interaction, which means you are thinking too much about yourself and remain in the office of your mind), but in a curious way. Treat every moment the way it should be - as if it is the only thing that is real. You have to learn to tune out your own head and turn all of your attention outward, rather than inward. If you are genuinely only thinking and perceiving outwardly, it's impossible for you to be perceived as insecure and awkward, or boring.
Why does this work, and how to practice it
As humans, we are embarrassingly narcissistic by nature, so when we meet someone who talks and responds to us as if we are the only person in the world, we feel immensely flattered and subconsciously feel better around them. This makes them a "good conversationalist" despite not saying much, they are instead someone who is just genuinely curious in our direction. As well as this, when someone who is relaxed, open and curious interacts with us, we naturally feel calm and relaxed in their presence. When we are present, we also pay more attention to detail, we listen without the desperate urge to interject, and we are perceived as more charming because we put everyone at ease through our own relaxed nature. Here's how you practice it - this may sound dumb but trust me - before you go into a social encounter, close your eyes and literally imagine you are exiting the office, closing the door, and now, you exist only in the present. The only thing that exists now is what is directly in front of you, and there is nothing to analyse, no test to answer correctly. You are now in a room with the only existing people in the only existing place. Treat everyone accordingly. You have nothing to gain, and nothing to lose, as the only thing that exists is the now, so if something were to change in the circumstance, nothing actually changes, as that would be the new present, and the past would cease to exist. Also, meditation helps, but isn't needed if you practice this exercise enough.
This is a particularly powerful mindset social, as it nukes your inhib, and you actually find people around you incredibly interesting, and due to your curiosity, they find you incredibly charming, attentive and relaxed. They will reflect the feelings you radiate. Also, the fact that you aren't talking to girls with the subconscious anxiety that you are trying to sleep with them at all times and that they are making you nervous will, paradoxically, make you incredibly more socially attractive. It also makes it easier to make friends and ultimately improves your life.
Hope this helps, I have a few more concepts and expansions on this, but I will leave it for now, any questions, let me know I will try and help.
