A
Abhorrence
Lurker
For the better part of a year, I’ve gone through a pretty bad life crisis. I feel stuck, lost, and hopeless. I am questioning everything and it has gotten to a point where it is debilitating and taking away from every other aspect of my life. Everything has fallen apart. Reality seems so scary right now. And I don’t know what to do other than rant about my problems and hope someone can at least offer some guidance or perspective. I'm way too much of a pussy to talk to anyone irl about this. I'm also struggling to write out the insane amount of shit bothering me inside my head into something coherent and readable so I've tried my best to do the minimum amount of yapping possible.
I was homeschooled for all of my high school years and faced long periods of social isolation. I feel like this has permanently impacted my mental health and social skills. I have pretty bad social anxiety, haven't spoken to a girl my age in over 3 years, and feel completely unprepared for college in a few months. Obsessive and Deep-seated insecurities about the way I look and how others perceive me add to this. I feel socially stunted. Also, I spent most of my time in homeschool (virtual curriculum) barely trying and "learning" instead opting to cheat online and do the bare minimum. I still graduated with good grades, and most of my family around me considers and has always considered me to be someone "gifted" in intelligence, but, I'm still afraid I'm screwed for college. Especially in areas like math, where I've forgotten most of what I've previously learned. And because of the lack of a "regular" high school experience, I feel as if I've missed out on some truly pivotal life experiences. I never really got to be a teenager. I'm 20 next year and a virgin, have maybe 1 or 2 friends that both recently moved out of state for school. I feel like a complete loser, and I don't see how I can ever catch back-up on what I have missed. Anyone who knows me irl pities me, and views me as inferior. This insecurity I have of being a "loser" isn't just in my head then. It seems as if it's reality.
On top of this, I've been greatly affected by crippling existential angst. I've had periods of existential angst / crisis since I was 5, it comes and goes. But for about a year or so it has returned. Things relating too the impermanence of time, how tf I can live my life without wasting a single moment and opportunity and have 0 regrets, our finite mortality, the unavoidable nature of death, the process of aging, how quickly time flies, questions about reality and existence, knowledge, religion, meaninglessness, identity, science, true nature of the universe and reality, etc etc. And how fucked up the world seems vs how powerless I / we are fucks with me. I believe I may have some type of ocd / ocpd, but I'm afraid I've just realized the true nature of reality and cannot cope with it. On a good day, these worries and fears live in the back of my mind, and serve as sharp reminders of my fate, every time I get a small and rare sense of joy / hope, I'm quickly reminded of my fears and the angst kicks in, dwarfing any optimism. On a bad day though, I cannot get out of bed, It sucks the life out of me. It's like I view life through grey-tinted glasses. It all feels so mundane and futile. I don't know what to do. I don't know what or who can possibly help me with this angst. Only thing that works / has worked is distracting myself from these thoughts, an only temporary solution.
I have no idea wtf to do with my life. I don't know what I even want from life or who tf I am or supposed to be. Or what I should want / do / be. I only have one shot at this life shit and that is so immensely stressful. I feel like I'll waste it all away figuring out how to live. I've already wasted so much of the past on this. Valuable time I can NEVER relive or get back.I feel Completely disorientated. I've had passions, kind of still do, (soccer, music, film, content creation, etc.) but I've become so blackpilled when it comes to "dreams and passions". The odds of me finding financial success in any of those endeavors is remarbley slim. So what am I supposed to do? I want to be special. I want to be remarkable. I know it's childish and vain but It's what I desire. What if I'm not any of those things? What if I'll never be? I constantly daydream about this perfect chad version of me, living life to the fullest and having everything I've ever wanted. Being desired, and admired, respected, and loved. But in high likelihood that will never happen. The difference between my mundane reality and the expectations from these desires and daydreams is insane. Am I really doomed too going to my bang average state school, getting some BS finance degree that I will probably hate and spend the rest of my life working? Damn. And Ik I sound so stupid for even complaining about this. There are people that would kill to be where I am, there's fucking children starving in Palestine and I'm here crying about this bullshit. wow.
Finally, That's the end of my yap sesh, all of this shit I've talked about above has made life feel unlivable. Maybe I've discovered some ultimate truth that others seemingly learn to cope with / ignore. Or I'm just mentally ill and my brain is broken. Maybe a mix of both. But I have come to a point where it's hard for me to function day by day. It feels like I have chronic procrastination and 0 discipline. Might come from my "homeschool experience" or maybe is a regular repose to my fucked situation. "Why shouldn't I just fuck off and drown myself in YouTube videos and high-caloric slop too numb my brain". So yeah, I'm clueless as to what my next move is: maybe keep rotting, end it all (too afraid tho) or find a therapist. I've had experiences with therapy in the past, very negative, and I just feel as if It won't help me or solve all the shit bothering me. idk. I've tried the whole "self - improvement" thing and I just end up where I started. I get very overwhelmed. Things like goal setting trigger painful obssesive existential thoughts like "what goals do I set? How do ik they're the goals I should set? Are they realistic? Will they make me happier? Isn't the whole process of constant improvement and striving for goals futile and not the correct way to live? How do Ik this goal is true to me and what I want? What if I regret it later?" ..... Idk what to do.
I was homeschooled for all of my high school years and faced long periods of social isolation. I feel like this has permanently impacted my mental health and social skills. I have pretty bad social anxiety, haven't spoken to a girl my age in over 3 years, and feel completely unprepared for college in a few months. Obsessive and Deep-seated insecurities about the way I look and how others perceive me add to this. I feel socially stunted. Also, I spent most of my time in homeschool (virtual curriculum) barely trying and "learning" instead opting to cheat online and do the bare minimum. I still graduated with good grades, and most of my family around me considers and has always considered me to be someone "gifted" in intelligence, but, I'm still afraid I'm screwed for college. Especially in areas like math, where I've forgotten most of what I've previously learned. And because of the lack of a "regular" high school experience, I feel as if I've missed out on some truly pivotal life experiences. I never really got to be a teenager. I'm 20 next year and a virgin, have maybe 1 or 2 friends that both recently moved out of state for school. I feel like a complete loser, and I don't see how I can ever catch back-up on what I have missed. Anyone who knows me irl pities me, and views me as inferior. This insecurity I have of being a "loser" isn't just in my head then. It seems as if it's reality.
On top of this, I've been greatly affected by crippling existential angst. I've had periods of existential angst / crisis since I was 5, it comes and goes. But for about a year or so it has returned. Things relating too the impermanence of time, how tf I can live my life without wasting a single moment and opportunity and have 0 regrets, our finite mortality, the unavoidable nature of death, the process of aging, how quickly time flies, questions about reality and existence, knowledge, religion, meaninglessness, identity, science, true nature of the universe and reality, etc etc. And how fucked up the world seems vs how powerless I / we are fucks with me. I believe I may have some type of ocd / ocpd, but I'm afraid I've just realized the true nature of reality and cannot cope with it. On a good day, these worries and fears live in the back of my mind, and serve as sharp reminders of my fate, every time I get a small and rare sense of joy / hope, I'm quickly reminded of my fears and the angst kicks in, dwarfing any optimism. On a bad day though, I cannot get out of bed, It sucks the life out of me. It's like I view life through grey-tinted glasses. It all feels so mundane and futile. I don't know what to do. I don't know what or who can possibly help me with this angst. Only thing that works / has worked is distracting myself from these thoughts, an only temporary solution.
I have no idea wtf to do with my life. I don't know what I even want from life or who tf I am or supposed to be. Or what I should want / do / be. I only have one shot at this life shit and that is so immensely stressful. I feel like I'll waste it all away figuring out how to live. I've already wasted so much of the past on this. Valuable time I can NEVER relive or get back.I feel Completely disorientated. I've had passions, kind of still do, (soccer, music, film, content creation, etc.) but I've become so blackpilled when it comes to "dreams and passions". The odds of me finding financial success in any of those endeavors is remarbley slim. So what am I supposed to do? I want to be special. I want to be remarkable. I know it's childish and vain but It's what I desire. What if I'm not any of those things? What if I'll never be? I constantly daydream about this perfect chad version of me, living life to the fullest and having everything I've ever wanted. Being desired, and admired, respected, and loved. But in high likelihood that will never happen. The difference between my mundane reality and the expectations from these desires and daydreams is insane. Am I really doomed too going to my bang average state school, getting some BS finance degree that I will probably hate and spend the rest of my life working? Damn. And Ik I sound so stupid for even complaining about this. There are people that would kill to be where I am, there's fucking children starving in Palestine and I'm here crying about this bullshit. wow.
Finally, That's the end of my yap sesh, all of this shit I've talked about above has made life feel unlivable. Maybe I've discovered some ultimate truth that others seemingly learn to cope with / ignore. Or I'm just mentally ill and my brain is broken. Maybe a mix of both. But I have come to a point where it's hard for me to function day by day. It feels like I have chronic procrastination and 0 discipline. Might come from my "homeschool experience" or maybe is a regular repose to my fucked situation. "Why shouldn't I just fuck off and drown myself in YouTube videos and high-caloric slop too numb my brain". So yeah, I'm clueless as to what my next move is: maybe keep rotting, end it all (too afraid tho) or find a therapist. I've had experiences with therapy in the past, very negative, and I just feel as if It won't help me or solve all the shit bothering me. idk. I've tried the whole "self - improvement" thing and I just end up where I started. I get very overwhelmed. Things like goal setting trigger painful obssesive existential thoughts like "what goals do I set? How do ik they're the goals I should set? Are they realistic? Will they make me happier? Isn't the whole process of constant improvement and striving for goals futile and not the correct way to live? How do Ik this goal is true to me and what I want? What if I regret it later?" ..... Idk what to do.
. These are the conditions that were given to you and thus it's stupid to compare to other people, even if it is unavoidable. They have different genes, different circumstances, you cannot compare to them. You are you. This is your way, and only your way to discover what you want out of life.
