0hMan
germano-gaelic gaunche - modcel
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Title. I've always disliked summer, even as a kid. It's hot, all the shitskins come out to your city for vacation if you're in some large city, and that's the least of it.
It's gotten a lot worse as I've grown up. Ironically, I have a summer birthday, so the summer tends to be a rite of passage for me – and that of the rite of passages of nature, pure blackpilling as I'm shoved into a world which has less and less comfort. My birthday was the other week, I spent it by myself as I have (which I have now realized as typing this) my entire teen years. I didn't have a "sweet 16" last year, and I much less had a "sweet 17" this year. I didn't get any presents from any friends (because I don't have any), and my parents didn't so much as even get me both digits for birthday balloons (I only got a "7" balloon, JFL).
All the while, this is the last summer I have before college, and as always, I have no friends nor girlfriend to spend it with. I'm spending it in some fucking "disadvantaged youth" summer program so I can have a good looking resume for college (which I do not care about, I'd rather not go at all but my parents will force me to), full of shrieking, shapeless mounds of flesh which make it impossible to ever have a moment of rest or focus in class. There's one cute girl in the entirety of the program, and I thought of giving her a note with my socials (and perhaps I will), but the classes are already done and all that remains is an extra project which she may not even be there for.
And even if she ends up staying, what of it? What good does it give me? I was, I remain, and will continue to be ugly. I have been completely robbed of a social life, and even if she were – by some miracle – to become some sort of partner to me, I would not know the first thing to do in a relationship with her and would not know how to talk to her as a boyfriend does, etc.
Sometimes I watch "coming of age" movies (whatever the hell that means), and think about what could have been if a plethora of factors in my life were different. If I was not an ugly mutt, perhaps I would have a friend group and a girlfriend. If I was not an aspie in a large city and a medium-sized school which I have always hated, perhaps I would have a friend group and a girlfriend. The list goes on. Even the freaks and geeks in these movies mog me socially – they have a friend group, I have not a single friend in person. Throughout my entire high school years, I have not kept a singular friend. I will enter senior year, having wasted 4 years of my life in a school which I have never wanted to go to (that's a different story, however). And then what? Go to college, get some shitty degree on something I hate, then wageslave for the rest of my life?
My mother is having some friends who got stuck here due to a cancelled flight stay at our house, and her mother was telling me sob stories of how her son has it hard at school. I perhaps felt a bit of connection to the story, until she was speaking of how people were posting pictures of him and his girlfriend and making fun of them, to which any connection I had was severed. Even the bullying victims, the sob stories, the rejects, have it much better off socially than me. Do you know how that feels?
All while I type this out, I hear people outside cheering, blasting music in their cars, and laughing. And what have I? I'm cooped up in my room, typing on a decaying incel forum. I am the pawn of the world, I am everybody's trash. To this whole world, I am trash and shit at best, and perhaps insane at worst. Nobody cares whether I live or die, and the feeling is at times very fucking mutual.
It's gotten a lot worse as I've grown up. Ironically, I have a summer birthday, so the summer tends to be a rite of passage for me – and that of the rite of passages of nature, pure blackpilling as I'm shoved into a world which has less and less comfort. My birthday was the other week, I spent it by myself as I have (which I have now realized as typing this) my entire teen years. I didn't have a "sweet 16" last year, and I much less had a "sweet 17" this year. I didn't get any presents from any friends (because I don't have any), and my parents didn't so much as even get me both digits for birthday balloons (I only got a "7" balloon, JFL).
All the while, this is the last summer I have before college, and as always, I have no friends nor girlfriend to spend it with. I'm spending it in some fucking "disadvantaged youth" summer program so I can have a good looking resume for college (which I do not care about, I'd rather not go at all but my parents will force me to), full of shrieking, shapeless mounds of flesh which make it impossible to ever have a moment of rest or focus in class. There's one cute girl in the entirety of the program, and I thought of giving her a note with my socials (and perhaps I will), but the classes are already done and all that remains is an extra project which she may not even be there for.
And even if she ends up staying, what of it? What good does it give me? I was, I remain, and will continue to be ugly. I have been completely robbed of a social life, and even if she were – by some miracle – to become some sort of partner to me, I would not know the first thing to do in a relationship with her and would not know how to talk to her as a boyfriend does, etc.
Sometimes I watch "coming of age" movies (whatever the hell that means), and think about what could have been if a plethora of factors in my life were different. If I was not an ugly mutt, perhaps I would have a friend group and a girlfriend. If I was not an aspie in a large city and a medium-sized school which I have always hated, perhaps I would have a friend group and a girlfriend. The list goes on. Even the freaks and geeks in these movies mog me socially – they have a friend group, I have not a single friend in person. Throughout my entire high school years, I have not kept a singular friend. I will enter senior year, having wasted 4 years of my life in a school which I have never wanted to go to (that's a different story, however). And then what? Go to college, get some shitty degree on something I hate, then wageslave for the rest of my life?
My mother is having some friends who got stuck here due to a cancelled flight stay at our house, and her mother was telling me sob stories of how her son has it hard at school. I perhaps felt a bit of connection to the story, until she was speaking of how people were posting pictures of him and his girlfriend and making fun of them, to which any connection I had was severed. Even the bullying victims, the sob stories, the rejects, have it much better off socially than me. Do you know how that feels?
All while I type this out, I hear people outside cheering, blasting music in their cars, and laughing. And what have I? I'm cooped up in my room, typing on a decaying incel forum. I am the pawn of the world, I am everybody's trash. To this whole world, I am trash and shit at best, and perhaps insane at worst. Nobody cares whether I live or die, and the feeling is at times very fucking mutual.
