Monobloc
E-Surgeon
- Joined
- Mar 31, 2024
- Posts
- 466
- Reputation
- 977
This is not a bait post. I do not wish to see "tales from the Wuhan mental asylum" in the comments.
I'm writing this in a pitch dark room right now. Recently, I've sat myself down and had a little introspection with myself. Reflecting over my experiences over the past couple years, I've finally come to terms with the fact that I am a horrible person, beyond saving, and corrupted to the core. Everything I have tried, everything I forgone, all I strived to achieve for, all means naught in the face of this ideology. Before I start, I can already sense the “you’re just some ugly subhuman gook” in the comments, I would like to clarify that multiple extremists on the forum have rated me HTN in the West and I am living proof that diving too deep will completely ruin you no matter how attractive you are. If you would like to see, PM me and I will consider sending you some pictures depending on who you are.
It all started over the beginning of COVID when I was 13, when my friend called me on Discord. I was about to go to sleep at that time, but he insisted I join and watch his screenshare, as it was "hilarios". So I hopped on and from that moment on, it was the beginning of the end. The ratings section of org. I remember being so confused, hearing him laugh at these LTNs and what I once considered to be normal looking people. But strangely, it was addicting watching him name flaws with their faces. How was he able to spot all these nitpick "failos" that I never cared about? Of course, I was weirded out, and didn't think too much of it, and I was tired as hell. But right before I went to bed, he told me "you should come to this page more".
I did not give this any thought for the next couple days. After all, I was just a normie, and was doing what 13 year olds during the pandemic did, and that was call your friends on Discord and play Minecraft. But one day during my Math class, I was bored out of my mind and remembered the site my friend showed me, it being this site. Going in the ratings section again, I looked at some beanercel, thought he looked completely normal, and scrolled down the comments. Flooded with varying ways of saying “subhuman”. GIFs saying “JFL at you, you utter subhuman”, “3 PSL”, etc.
This slowly but surely turned into an addiction. Eventually I ended up making an account here which I shall not name, but is now deleted. I had barely hit puberty, and my jaw was not very well developed at the time. But, the more ratings I looked at, and the more threads in Looksmaxing I read, the more I became hyperfixated with myself. It became to a point where I went through the muh “Chad or nothing” phase that every newly blackpilled user goes through. Not much I could've did at the time because it was the pandemic and my parents were very strict because I was young (also theyre asian), so I just stayed a looksminned fatnigga that took a shower once a week.
Oh, but it didn’t stop there. Originally I had decided that I wanted to do something with computer science when I grew up. I was already well off in the field since I started learning how to code and did competitive programming at a pretty young age (around 9), and had some pretty advanced projects (Any codejeets that are interested I was making projects such as JVM bytecode obfuscators that actually competed with well known ones on the market such as ZKM). Around the middle of sophomore year of high school, I decided to make a 180 and pursue the medical field instead. I spammed every internship I could get my hands on, took AP Bio the following year (Got a 99 in it JFL), and immersed myself in as many research articles as I could find. But due to my studycelling and actually having stuff to do to grind in preparation for college despite being not social, I slowly faded out of the BP mentality and started SWEcelling at startups.
Junior year comes, and the twilight has already come. This is when I first started interacting with foids, however I will say this was probably the last stretch (before I started making any moves) that my mental health was as healthy as can be. There was a Korean foid in my class whom I shared a long history with (nothing romantic or anything), but all you need to know is that originally she hated me. One day, word got to her that I was sharing homework answers with friends in the class. She was kind of a manipulator, important to keep in mind later. She approached me and asked for the answers to that night’s homework. Of course, me being the studious Asian, I put my feelings aside and just gave her the homework. This repeated for a couple of days, where I would just text her the answers, and eventually a conversation sparked between us. I do not remember too much about the small talk, but the major turning point was when I learned fashion, in which she said she felt bad that she was just taking homework for free and wanted to give me clothes. When she said she wanted to give me clothes, she meant that she was a serial shoplifter (yes she was a crimecel while being here on a visa). Anyway, I meetup with her and she takes me to some niche brands that only my city has. I will give her this, her fashion taste was top floor. Here I learned about neodymium magnets and gator tag removal (I will not go into it for obvious reasons). This cycle of homework and return kept repeating. Eventually we got pretty close, even though she had a boyfriend at the time. Eventually, exam season came, around May. This was the time she first dropped hints that she considered me more than a friend. I would get texts such as like “you have no idea how fucked up i am right now”, “you don’t know how much of a problem you are in my life”, repeated “i hate you”s over the smallest shit. Being a giga Non NT loner with years of no proper social interaction, I thought she was just being mean, and I would continuously tease her. Unbeknownst to me at the time, I was actually just adding fuel to the fire and making her more crazy about me. After my 1st AP exam, it dawned on me that she actually liked me, and later that day we went on a date(? Idk not really) and went to get ramen, the only other details I remember is that she asked me about marriage (MANIPULATOR) so she could gain permanent citizenship in the US, and that I put my coat on her because it was raining slightly. This went on for a week--we held hands, she slept on me, etc. Nothing super sexual ever happened though. After the next wave of AP exams she told me she needed some space and ended up cutting the situationship off. Looking back I realized I dodged a bullet as she had plenty of mental issues, wasn’t the best looking, and wasn’t the smartest either. However, I was probably the farthest I could be from the blackpill at this time, because I thought I had pulled her through my personality, not my looks, therefore disproving the BP, alas everyone knows the saying that you can never escape the BP, which I foreshadow the complete downfall of my esteem.
It was through this incident that I realized that I was a lover boy and could never be a player (IMPORTANT TO KEEP IN MIND LATER). But, now I was incredibly curious about foids (This was before I looksmaxxed). Around August, a Vietnamnese gook swiped up on my Instagram story. I had posted some reel and she was asking me about it, I don’t remember exactly what. What I do remember is after some small talk, I remember her saying “let’s fight”, and I replied with “ya on your bed”. Shortly after, I got her number, and we saw each other for about a week before we hooked up, my first time (Her bc was 2 at the time if anyone is interested for whatever reason). I had sex with her 6 times before she had a mental breakdown over an incident and cut me off. The incident was that I spam followed maybe a hundred mutuals that we had in one night and they almost all were foids. She thought I was cheating on her (rightfully so) and I tried to clear things up because my aspie ass was genuinely thinking that I was just increasing follower count, to no avail though. Another heartbreak, but it only led to another one when I started to post thirst traps as appealmaxxed MTN during this time. I will spare the details so I get to the point faster, but we hooked up once, however even treating her well I was still left in the dust because she had PTSD from her ex (Side note: Something about vietcong gooks always brings me bad luck jfl, in fact half of my slays were Viet). Around November (important turnaround), I met this girl I really liked. You guessed it, we fucked, but I also really liked who she was and I asked her to be my girlfriend, which she said yes to.
Around this time was when I started to revisit BP, and this was when I became very interested in RSM’s posts (I will get in detail why later). I became hyper fixated on sex, given my previous experiences, and I ended up pursuing too much in her, even though my impression at the time was that she wanted sex all the time. I ended up learning a very hard lesson after Thanksgiving that real relationships, unlike what this forum describes, requires a moderation between these activities and actual wholesome time spent together. Needless to say, I was very devastated even though it was my fault, because we had spent some genuinely quality time together, we had gone bowling, watched a movie, shopped together, etc. We were pretty much hanging out every day. I took maybe 15-20 shots of vodka that night and started bobbing around like a retard on Video Call with a bunch of random blackpill autists because I was drunk to Gandy and back. The next day I had a terrible hangover, spent the entire morning nauseated and threw up twice. However, the damage was done, I was slowly becoming more superficial and unable to maintain real connections because of the things I learned on the forum and elsewhere related. Around this time I was making a huge comeback socially, but I cut off around 99% of the friends I had and kept only a couple real niggas close.
I became retreated asf and rotted lurking the forums every day. I started to hookup fiend again, there are some colleges in my city which are filled with ABGs. My bc sharply rose up to double digits, and before I realized it I had hit the 20 mark. At this time my passion for med came back and I started researching surgical operations. I already had a very good base knowledge of facial anatomy, way above what org autists regurgitate, but it only spiraled further as I did as much research as I could. Coceancig (shortly before he got cucked JFL), RSM, Eppley, Kim, you name it, I consulted them all. I want to become a plastic surgeon, I don't care if it takes 12 years of med school. I don't even care about the gigapay you get as a surgeon. All I care about is superficiality and looks.
I have tried so hard to reverse this, every time to no avail. At the time I am writing this is my current dip down and I am worried it will be permanent, and that I might rope or something, so I would like to document my feelings and thoughts on this shitass forum that brought me so much suffering. I am busy worrying if I pushed my current girlfriend too fast, not even considering that she’s a virgin. I try so hard to be involved and be the best man I can, but ultimately it boils down to this fucking curse of an ideology that ruins my ability to form any meaningful bonds and completely nukes all my interpersonal relationships. I can't even make a comeback like I did before, because then it was all rot theory and I had 0 foid interaction much less sexual experiences. Despite what this forum says about facial aesthetics and me fitting almost all the criteria, despite my successes IRL with academics, work, and opportunities, I am cooked and a shell of a human.
I'm writing this in a pitch dark room right now. Recently, I've sat myself down and had a little introspection with myself. Reflecting over my experiences over the past couple years, I've finally come to terms with the fact that I am a horrible person, beyond saving, and corrupted to the core. Everything I have tried, everything I forgone, all I strived to achieve for, all means naught in the face of this ideology. Before I start, I can already sense the “you’re just some ugly subhuman gook” in the comments, I would like to clarify that multiple extremists on the forum have rated me HTN in the West and I am living proof that diving too deep will completely ruin you no matter how attractive you are. If you would like to see, PM me and I will consider sending you some pictures depending on who you are.
It all started over the beginning of COVID when I was 13, when my friend called me on Discord. I was about to go to sleep at that time, but he insisted I join and watch his screenshare, as it was "hilarios". So I hopped on and from that moment on, it was the beginning of the end. The ratings section of org. I remember being so confused, hearing him laugh at these LTNs and what I once considered to be normal looking people. But strangely, it was addicting watching him name flaws with their faces. How was he able to spot all these nitpick "failos" that I never cared about? Of course, I was weirded out, and didn't think too much of it, and I was tired as hell. But right before I went to bed, he told me "you should come to this page more".
I did not give this any thought for the next couple days. After all, I was just a normie, and was doing what 13 year olds during the pandemic did, and that was call your friends on Discord and play Minecraft. But one day during my Math class, I was bored out of my mind and remembered the site my friend showed me, it being this site. Going in the ratings section again, I looked at some beanercel, thought he looked completely normal, and scrolled down the comments. Flooded with varying ways of saying “subhuman”. GIFs saying “JFL at you, you utter subhuman”, “3 PSL”, etc.
This slowly but surely turned into an addiction. Eventually I ended up making an account here which I shall not name, but is now deleted. I had barely hit puberty, and my jaw was not very well developed at the time. But, the more ratings I looked at, and the more threads in Looksmaxing I read, the more I became hyperfixated with myself. It became to a point where I went through the muh “Chad or nothing” phase that every newly blackpilled user goes through. Not much I could've did at the time because it was the pandemic and my parents were very strict because I was young (also theyre asian), so I just stayed a looksminned fatnigga that took a shower once a week.
Oh, but it didn’t stop there. Originally I had decided that I wanted to do something with computer science when I grew up. I was already well off in the field since I started learning how to code and did competitive programming at a pretty young age (around 9), and had some pretty advanced projects (Any codejeets that are interested I was making projects such as JVM bytecode obfuscators that actually competed with well known ones on the market such as ZKM). Around the middle of sophomore year of high school, I decided to make a 180 and pursue the medical field instead. I spammed every internship I could get my hands on, took AP Bio the following year (Got a 99 in it JFL), and immersed myself in as many research articles as I could find. But due to my studycelling and actually having stuff to do to grind in preparation for college despite being not social, I slowly faded out of the BP mentality and started SWEcelling at startups.
Junior year comes, and the twilight has already come. This is when I first started interacting with foids, however I will say this was probably the last stretch (before I started making any moves) that my mental health was as healthy as can be. There was a Korean foid in my class whom I shared a long history with (nothing romantic or anything), but all you need to know is that originally she hated me. One day, word got to her that I was sharing homework answers with friends in the class. She was kind of a manipulator, important to keep in mind later. She approached me and asked for the answers to that night’s homework. Of course, me being the studious Asian, I put my feelings aside and just gave her the homework. This repeated for a couple of days, where I would just text her the answers, and eventually a conversation sparked between us. I do not remember too much about the small talk, but the major turning point was when I learned fashion, in which she said she felt bad that she was just taking homework for free and wanted to give me clothes. When she said she wanted to give me clothes, she meant that she was a serial shoplifter (yes she was a crimecel while being here on a visa). Anyway, I meetup with her and she takes me to some niche brands that only my city has. I will give her this, her fashion taste was top floor. Here I learned about neodymium magnets and gator tag removal (I will not go into it for obvious reasons). This cycle of homework and return kept repeating. Eventually we got pretty close, even though she had a boyfriend at the time. Eventually, exam season came, around May. This was the time she first dropped hints that she considered me more than a friend. I would get texts such as like “you have no idea how fucked up i am right now”, “you don’t know how much of a problem you are in my life”, repeated “i hate you”s over the smallest shit. Being a giga Non NT loner with years of no proper social interaction, I thought she was just being mean, and I would continuously tease her. Unbeknownst to me at the time, I was actually just adding fuel to the fire and making her more crazy about me. After my 1st AP exam, it dawned on me that she actually liked me, and later that day we went on a date(? Idk not really) and went to get ramen, the only other details I remember is that she asked me about marriage (MANIPULATOR) so she could gain permanent citizenship in the US, and that I put my coat on her because it was raining slightly. This went on for a week--we held hands, she slept on me, etc. Nothing super sexual ever happened though. After the next wave of AP exams she told me she needed some space and ended up cutting the situationship off. Looking back I realized I dodged a bullet as she had plenty of mental issues, wasn’t the best looking, and wasn’t the smartest either. However, I was probably the farthest I could be from the blackpill at this time, because I thought I had pulled her through my personality, not my looks, therefore disproving the BP, alas everyone knows the saying that you can never escape the BP, which I foreshadow the complete downfall of my esteem.
It was through this incident that I realized that I was a lover boy and could never be a player (IMPORTANT TO KEEP IN MIND LATER). But, now I was incredibly curious about foids (This was before I looksmaxxed). Around August, a Vietnamnese gook swiped up on my Instagram story. I had posted some reel and she was asking me about it, I don’t remember exactly what. What I do remember is after some small talk, I remember her saying “let’s fight”, and I replied with “ya on your bed”. Shortly after, I got her number, and we saw each other for about a week before we hooked up, my first time (Her bc was 2 at the time if anyone is interested for whatever reason). I had sex with her 6 times before she had a mental breakdown over an incident and cut me off. The incident was that I spam followed maybe a hundred mutuals that we had in one night and they almost all were foids. She thought I was cheating on her (rightfully so) and I tried to clear things up because my aspie ass was genuinely thinking that I was just increasing follower count, to no avail though. Another heartbreak, but it only led to another one when I started to post thirst traps as appealmaxxed MTN during this time. I will spare the details so I get to the point faster, but we hooked up once, however even treating her well I was still left in the dust because she had PTSD from her ex (Side note: Something about vietcong gooks always brings me bad luck jfl, in fact half of my slays were Viet). Around November (important turnaround), I met this girl I really liked. You guessed it, we fucked, but I also really liked who she was and I asked her to be my girlfriend, which she said yes to.
Around this time was when I started to revisit BP, and this was when I became very interested in RSM’s posts (I will get in detail why later). I became hyper fixated on sex, given my previous experiences, and I ended up pursuing too much in her, even though my impression at the time was that she wanted sex all the time. I ended up learning a very hard lesson after Thanksgiving that real relationships, unlike what this forum describes, requires a moderation between these activities and actual wholesome time spent together. Needless to say, I was very devastated even though it was my fault, because we had spent some genuinely quality time together, we had gone bowling, watched a movie, shopped together, etc. We were pretty much hanging out every day. I took maybe 15-20 shots of vodka that night and started bobbing around like a retard on Video Call with a bunch of random blackpill autists because I was drunk to Gandy and back. The next day I had a terrible hangover, spent the entire morning nauseated and threw up twice. However, the damage was done, I was slowly becoming more superficial and unable to maintain real connections because of the things I learned on the forum and elsewhere related. Around this time I was making a huge comeback socially, but I cut off around 99% of the friends I had and kept only a couple real niggas close.
I became retreated asf and rotted lurking the forums every day. I started to hookup fiend again, there are some colleges in my city which are filled with ABGs. My bc sharply rose up to double digits, and before I realized it I had hit the 20 mark. At this time my passion for med came back and I started researching surgical operations. I already had a very good base knowledge of facial anatomy, way above what org autists regurgitate, but it only spiraled further as I did as much research as I could. Coceancig (shortly before he got cucked JFL), RSM, Eppley, Kim, you name it, I consulted them all. I want to become a plastic surgeon, I don't care if it takes 12 years of med school. I don't even care about the gigapay you get as a surgeon. All I care about is superficiality and looks.
I have tried so hard to reverse this, every time to no avail. At the time I am writing this is my current dip down and I am worried it will be permanent, and that I might rope or something, so I would like to document my feelings and thoughts on this shitass forum that brought me so much suffering. I am busy worrying if I pushed my current girlfriend too fast, not even considering that she’s a virgin. I try so hard to be involved and be the best man I can, but ultimately it boils down to this fucking curse of an ideology that ruins my ability to form any meaningful bonds and completely nukes all my interpersonal relationships. I can't even make a comeback like I did before, because then it was all rot theory and I had 0 foid interaction much less sexual experiences. Despite what this forum says about facial aesthetics and me fitting almost all the criteria, despite my successes IRL with academics, work, and opportunities, I am cooked and a shell of a human.
