Deleted member 2012
Magic
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It’s very long, no TLDR:
My experience with an incel - need to get this off my chest
I have to get this off my chest because it's causing me anxiety. I am a young professional female that grew up playing online RPG's. Over the years, I've met a few of the people I've played RPG's with IRL and have never had a bad experience. There's one person who went out of his way to be my friend in this online game and eventually connected with me on social media - let's call him Pete. I always knew he was an odd bird but never thought of him as more than a clingy nuisance at times. The opportunity to meet him IRL came up due to a coincidence of professional commitments taking us to the same big city at the same time.
I am in a place of my life that is emotionally sensitive as the last few months have been a wild ride with family issues, financial demands, and extreme professional demands. Pete knows a little about this.
As the weekend draws near, he sends me a text that he can't help but think I'm into him. I explain that he's a good friend and that I'm starting to go steady with someone so I'm not dating (not true). He takes this info well and says he's looking forward to a great weekend.
So, the weekend arrives. We decided to split a hotel room with two beds for two nights. The first night was ok. My conference ran long and I couldn't meet Pete until late at night. I was exhausted after a long day of professional & traveling stuff and I made it clear I was worn down. Despite this, he insisted on chatting *endlessly* while sitting on my bed. I was like, ok, I understand, he's a bit of a lonely dude that's excited to meet me after being online friends for a while.
Second day starts off well. We've decided to sight-see around this big city on foot. Until...there's a disgusting comment about every single woman that walks by. Especially women in athletic clothes. This big city has tons of young fit women and he won't shut the fuck up about their yoga pants, their sports bras, and what he wants to do to their bodies. My god. My response to these is a dismissive comment, no response, or to change the subject but he won't relent. I'm not confrontational.
Then Jordan Peterson comes up. Pete is trying to get me to agree that there is no such thing as a pay gap between men and women. I don't. He drops the conversation in frustration when it's clear I know more about this than he does - I have a small background in law and can discuss the legal nuances and cite examples of this shit.
Things calm down as we sight-see. I'm increasingly uncomfortable and frustrated but happy to be sight-seeing. He's paying for everything. Maybe I can just focus on that.
It's nighttime. We get back to the hotel room to change out of sweaty clothes from walking around in the sun all day. What I thought would be a quick in-and-out of the room turns into a discussion about self-defense where he's trying to make excuses to touch me to teach me self-defense techniques because I am a petite woman and I need to know this for my own good. Comments begin about how he loves petite women. Comments about how he has a muscular body and how his huge gut actually indicates this because he has such strong ab muscles (I can't make this up). He asks me to touch his "strong back muscles." At this point, I'm making sure there's a 3 ft buffer zone between us. My discomfort is palpable. I realize he's been talking about his athletic prowess a lot throughout the day and seeking validation - he knows I have a history of dating hunky guys.
We leave the hotel room at my polite insistence.
We roll into a restaurant. I'm glad to be in public. He drinks a few drinks. He starts going on about the clothes of women sitting across from us and begins to brag that he has so much confidence about women that he'd even approach a woman right in front of us who's 1) gorgeous and dressed to the nines 2) has her arm around her giant boyfriend.
I make an excuse to walk around the restaurant. I have no idea how I'm going to spend another night with this man in the same room as me. He insists that I drink. I refuse. I suspect he thinks he can take advantage of me if I am drunk enough.
We roll into a bar. He slams a few drinks and has a meltdown about his life. How unattractive he is, how he's nearly middle-aged and doesn't have a steady relationship (he has an online girlfriend that hasn't seen him or had sex with him in a year), resents hearing about his co-worker's sex lives, and is seeking validation for being a "wonderful person"...and begins to sob at this bar. I am horrified. I spend 30 min imploring him to see a therapist, talking to his family, discussing issues with this online girlfriend, etc. but barely anything allays the crying. He starts to hug me and insist on holding my hand.
We eventually end up back at the hotel. He insists on giving me a massage because it's been a long day of walking. I lie and say I have an old injury that means I can't get massages. He insists on showing me YouTube videos on his phone that he holds too close to me. I say I have a professional email to write before 8am and dip, insisting that he make it up to the room and shower and go to bed because it'll be a long email. I take a long walk. At this point, I'm scared to be in the same room as him and the temptation to run up to the room, get my valuables and fucking LEAVE is running through my mind.
More bullshit happens. He says the bed is big enough for two, indicates that he loves to cuddle and is great at cuddling. Christ. I finally end up going to sleep only after he passes out at 4am.
7:30am. I'm startled awake by a weight hitting my bed. Pete is sitting on my bed and crying. I feel and look like a deer caught in headlights and he does not apologize for startling me awake. I ask him how he's doing. He says he can't sleep. Idk why this is my fucking problem. He says he hasn't shared a bed with a woman since 2009. I say I'm sorry he's in such emotional pain. We stare at each other. He continues to say that he's lonely and needs a woman. I stare at him more. I'm 100% prepared for this man to flip his shit and sexually assault me. I urge him to watch TV in the other room to get his mind off things. He stares at me more and gets up and leaves.
I wake up and the first thing he does is point out that I sleep holding a pillow and that if I need to hold a pillow, I could've come into his bed instead. I say that I need the pillow to sleep restfully because of that old injury that prevents me from getting massages.
The day is much the same. Disgusting comments about women around us, comments indicating that I'm hot and must be popular with guys and how he'd love a kiss. The day comes to an end and he insists on hugging me. I am so disgusted.
Some of that disgust is with myself. I can't believe I let this predator spend any time around me. I can't believe I let him say awful things about women without pushing back. I can't believe I let him scare me or emotionally drain me. Every time I think about that weekend, my body tenses up because I remember how scared I was when he sat on my bed. In my luggage, I even moved my panties around and hid them because I had a disturbing feeling he was trying to look at my underwear.
I haven't texted him much since that weekend. He sends me 5 - 12 texts a day. I got a deluge of texts from him yesterday about how he feels super lonely and ugly and needs to have a phone call with me. What do I do? I want to block him and never talk to him again but there are so many avenues to contact someone when you know where they work and what social media accounts they have. He doesn't know where I live but I feel so "invaded" by him that I get anxiety just seeing his name pop up on my cell phone screen.
Edit: wow, I took an internet break last night after writing this and I can’t believe how many supportive comments I’ve gotten. THANK YOU. Please know I will read every single one.
My experience with an incel - need to get this off my chest
I have to get this off my chest because it's causing me anxiety. I am a young professional female that grew up playing online RPG's. Over the years, I've met a few of the people I've played RPG's with IRL and have never had a bad experience. There's one person who went out of his way to be my friend in this online game and eventually connected with me on social media - let's call him Pete. I always knew he was an odd bird but never thought of him as more than a clingy nuisance at times. The opportunity to meet him IRL came up due to a coincidence of professional commitments taking us to the same big city at the same time.
I am in a place of my life that is emotionally sensitive as the last few months have been a wild ride with family issues, financial demands, and extreme professional demands. Pete knows a little about this.
As the weekend draws near, he sends me a text that he can't help but think I'm into him. I explain that he's a good friend and that I'm starting to go steady with someone so I'm not dating (not true). He takes this info well and says he's looking forward to a great weekend.
So, the weekend arrives. We decided to split a hotel room with two beds for two nights. The first night was ok. My conference ran long and I couldn't meet Pete until late at night. I was exhausted after a long day of professional & traveling stuff and I made it clear I was worn down. Despite this, he insisted on chatting *endlessly* while sitting on my bed. I was like, ok, I understand, he's a bit of a lonely dude that's excited to meet me after being online friends for a while.
Second day starts off well. We've decided to sight-see around this big city on foot. Until...there's a disgusting comment about every single woman that walks by. Especially women in athletic clothes. This big city has tons of young fit women and he won't shut the fuck up about their yoga pants, their sports bras, and what he wants to do to their bodies. My god. My response to these is a dismissive comment, no response, or to change the subject but he won't relent. I'm not confrontational.
Then Jordan Peterson comes up. Pete is trying to get me to agree that there is no such thing as a pay gap between men and women. I don't. He drops the conversation in frustration when it's clear I know more about this than he does - I have a small background in law and can discuss the legal nuances and cite examples of this shit.
Things calm down as we sight-see. I'm increasingly uncomfortable and frustrated but happy to be sight-seeing. He's paying for everything. Maybe I can just focus on that.
It's nighttime. We get back to the hotel room to change out of sweaty clothes from walking around in the sun all day. What I thought would be a quick in-and-out of the room turns into a discussion about self-defense where he's trying to make excuses to touch me to teach me self-defense techniques because I am a petite woman and I need to know this for my own good. Comments begin about how he loves petite women. Comments about how he has a muscular body and how his huge gut actually indicates this because he has such strong ab muscles (I can't make this up). He asks me to touch his "strong back muscles." At this point, I'm making sure there's a 3 ft buffer zone between us. My discomfort is palpable. I realize he's been talking about his athletic prowess a lot throughout the day and seeking validation - he knows I have a history of dating hunky guys.
We leave the hotel room at my polite insistence.
We roll into a restaurant. I'm glad to be in public. He drinks a few drinks. He starts going on about the clothes of women sitting across from us and begins to brag that he has so much confidence about women that he'd even approach a woman right in front of us who's 1) gorgeous and dressed to the nines 2) has her arm around her giant boyfriend.
I make an excuse to walk around the restaurant. I have no idea how I'm going to spend another night with this man in the same room as me. He insists that I drink. I refuse. I suspect he thinks he can take advantage of me if I am drunk enough.
We roll into a bar. He slams a few drinks and has a meltdown about his life. How unattractive he is, how he's nearly middle-aged and doesn't have a steady relationship (he has an online girlfriend that hasn't seen him or had sex with him in a year), resents hearing about his co-worker's sex lives, and is seeking validation for being a "wonderful person"...and begins to sob at this bar. I am horrified. I spend 30 min imploring him to see a therapist, talking to his family, discussing issues with this online girlfriend, etc. but barely anything allays the crying. He starts to hug me and insist on holding my hand.
We eventually end up back at the hotel. He insists on giving me a massage because it's been a long day of walking. I lie and say I have an old injury that means I can't get massages. He insists on showing me YouTube videos on his phone that he holds too close to me. I say I have a professional email to write before 8am and dip, insisting that he make it up to the room and shower and go to bed because it'll be a long email. I take a long walk. At this point, I'm scared to be in the same room as him and the temptation to run up to the room, get my valuables and fucking LEAVE is running through my mind.
More bullshit happens. He says the bed is big enough for two, indicates that he loves to cuddle and is great at cuddling. Christ. I finally end up going to sleep only after he passes out at 4am.
7:30am. I'm startled awake by a weight hitting my bed. Pete is sitting on my bed and crying. I feel and look like a deer caught in headlights and he does not apologize for startling me awake. I ask him how he's doing. He says he can't sleep. Idk why this is my fucking problem. He says he hasn't shared a bed with a woman since 2009. I say I'm sorry he's in such emotional pain. We stare at each other. He continues to say that he's lonely and needs a woman. I stare at him more. I'm 100% prepared for this man to flip his shit and sexually assault me. I urge him to watch TV in the other room to get his mind off things. He stares at me more and gets up and leaves.
I wake up and the first thing he does is point out that I sleep holding a pillow and that if I need to hold a pillow, I could've come into his bed instead. I say that I need the pillow to sleep restfully because of that old injury that prevents me from getting massages.
The day is much the same. Disgusting comments about women around us, comments indicating that I'm hot and must be popular with guys and how he'd love a kiss. The day comes to an end and he insists on hugging me. I am so disgusted.
Some of that disgust is with myself. I can't believe I let this predator spend any time around me. I can't believe I let him say awful things about women without pushing back. I can't believe I let him scare me or emotionally drain me. Every time I think about that weekend, my body tenses up because I remember how scared I was when he sat on my bed. In my luggage, I even moved my panties around and hid them because I had a disturbing feeling he was trying to look at my underwear.
I haven't texted him much since that weekend. He sends me 5 - 12 texts a day. I got a deluge of texts from him yesterday about how he feels super lonely and ugly and needs to have a phone call with me. What do I do? I want to block him and never talk to him again but there are so many avenues to contact someone when you know where they work and what social media accounts they have. He doesn't know where I live but I feel so "invaded" by him that I get anxiety just seeing his name pop up on my cell phone screen.
Edit: wow, I took an internet break last night after writing this and I can’t believe how many supportive comments I’ve gotten. THANK YOU. Please know I will read every single one.
