We are using this site to hurt others indirectly but we just get more deranged

[gpsl]

I think when i used to take antidepressants i was completely and utterly dissociated from myself. I don’t understand how beyond fucked up the shit i used to post actually was. I mean i wanted to die when i was in a mental hospital. I couldn‘t bear it. My mom was ignoring any calls so i had nowhere to go and it was the same hospital where i got traumatized by witnessing physical abuse against my 13yo roommate. Even that was after i saw my dad throw my sister across our kitchen floor when i was 5 and getting punched in the head until i was 11 and bullied when i was 13 and again i see myself writing more violent texts. Is it helpful? Is it cathartic? I can‘t fucking remember. It‘s so humiliating to get left stuck in the system i‘m in and crash from any normalcy i had built up. It‘s the same punishment i felt when i was put into the hospital for the first time, without any help, this time it‘s even worse because i got denied educational opportunity despite being top of my class. Is this the catalyst to go from burnout and repression to returning into my body without pain? Maybe it has to be like this. Atleast i see the other side of me now. The one that has thought in depth millions of times and finally understood that humans need love to survive which is being denied. It‘s just consequential that we use violent and disregarding ways to express this to ourselves and society. It‘s to mirror back the same cruelty. The same wtf is this it‘s pure evil feeling i get now when i look back now. The holy shit there is nothing of myself in these expressions. There is no control whatsoever when i wrote something gruesome about rape or killing. Shit that would never be said by anyone not even thought of. We‘re taking it to an extreme. A parallel world without morals. Only now you see this slowly being adopted by social media edits and twitter namecalling by Elon musk. But he calls people subhuman morons. I call them retarded faggots who need to be bled out through self inflicted stab wounds. It‘s the same self-erosion of expressive boundaries whicj only works until you see that what you‘ve said is so far from what you feel as normal that you have to decide if understanding yourself is more self-assuring than the rush of adrenaline and if the repetiton isn‘t an unnecesary addiction. The last aspect is the grandiosity. How dettached can we get without losing our sense of identity? I wouldn’t be able to read my previous posts without feeling like a stranger to him and what he said. To some extent it‘s normal but i don’t see anything but a psychotic facade which is extremely worrying if you’re not numb to it.

My answer is undecided. I feel like revenge is healthy but i also need to stay in the bounds of understanding why i did something because i will also need to answer the question why will i do that? How will i do that on an emotional level? So do i have to be numb or angry or something else? Does it have to be hypomanic? Can i be joyous?

These are all very minute to minute reflections i had and have to make. I will not waste any time editing the text and just name the Flaw of humanity or biggest blackpill ever told? thread as an important piece of development about love and i will also name the Guidestone thread as part of what i‘ve used to get from where i was maybe 5 years ago and now and a very poorly writen sequqence of opinions about the world in different meta categories that can’t make sense to anyone but me without an explanation.

I hope someone can follow my reflections. Otherwise i will look into this theme further because i don‘t think i have ever had such an starting point for understanding identity construcrion, dissipation, and formation. I‘m fully satisfied with the completeness of my text.

 

[gpsl]

I guess now i have to add that it also feels good to connect and share this with this community. Routine and safety. Also a good way to stabilize.

 

[registerfasterusing]

holy dnr