SubhumanCurrycel
It’s just hair bro
- Joined
- Feb 28, 2020
- Posts
- 25,100
- Reputation
- 71,092
I've seen a few threads about incels lately and thought I'd give my 2c.
I used to be an incel, for a long time. Was single for years - more than I'd care to admit. This is despite me being objectively good looking (take my word for it but I'm very handsome), intelligent, good career, good salary etc etc. Basically I'm trying to say that, on paper and according to my friends and family, I was a catch. Yes I had female friends that friendzoned me and they all thought I was a catch but still didn't want to date me (as it goes).
I spent a lot of time in therapy, and my therapist asked me, "Why does it bother you so much, having been single for so long?" Initially I said it was because I'd missed all of these experiences that other people got to have, like having a quiet night in watching movies or getting drunk together. But this argument didn't hold up, and eventually I realized that it was that I hated about being single and unable to make a success of dating despite "everything" being in my favor.
It was that I lacked the capability to date. It was that, for other people, forming relationships was something they did as easily as if it was driving a car. For me, forming a relationship was impossible. Getting a third date close to impossible.
It wasn't my looks, or my height (over 6 feet), or that I was a creep, or that I was poor, or that I dressed badly. On the contrary, I did everything I possibly could to look attractive to the opposite sex and nothing worked. I had hobbies. I had friends. I was the ringleader of my friends that always organised parties. I had a good job, I made good money, I dressed well, and I had a black credit card. Didn't help.
So what was it that I lacked? I had a deep desire for validation from women and that made me incredibly unattractive to them. Physical attractiveness only goes so far - once we met, women could spot my neediness, despite me being aware of it and doing my best to hide it/work on it, and it killed their attraction. No amount of books that I read on the subject nor therapy to help me get over my childhood trauma seemed to help. It was like women had this innate sense that there were certain things that they expected from a man, and I didn't have those things. I realised this after being in therapy (on and off) for close on a decade, and I remember thinking that I'd probably never be able to form a long term relationship because I'd been so damaged from what I went through.
I think this is what upsets male incels and what most people online don't get - you feel fundamentally broken and worthless as a human being because parts of your psyche are so broken from what you went through that women don't see you as someone that they'd ever want for a partner. And nothing that you do seems to be able to plug this gap that you're only vaguely aware of. You feel like you were made this way - made to be unloved and unloveable. And when you talk about it, you either get ridicule or absolutely useless advice.
"Just be yourself" - absolutely meaningless and useless advice that never helped anyone, ever. "You'll meet the right person when you're ready" - another meaningless platitude. "Find some cool hobbies" - my Star Wars figurine collection somehow ever impressed the ladies (I joke). I had hobbies, I worked out, I was working on my first novel in my spare time, and none of it mattered. It was all theatre - a lot of work that didn't make one bit of difference. The only thing that did was slowly working on my childhood trauma and trying to identify those behaviors that made me unattractive.
I can't and won't defend incels that become misogynistic - it happens and I won't defend it. But I do think the collective world, including women who supposedly believe that the patriarchy is responsible, close their ears when men talk about their problems. Nobody wants to listen. Nobody has any sympathy. You're too entitled if you think you deserve to be loved, we're told. Women have it worse so stop complaining we're told.
After many years, I'm now happily married with a child.
I used to be an incel, for a long time. Was single for years - more than I'd care to admit. This is despite me being objectively good looking (take my word for it but I'm very handsome), intelligent, good career, good salary etc etc. Basically I'm trying to say that, on paper and according to my friends and family, I was a catch. Yes I had female friends that friendzoned me and they all thought I was a catch but still didn't want to date me (as it goes).
I spent a lot of time in therapy, and my therapist asked me, "Why does it bother you so much, having been single for so long?" Initially I said it was because I'd missed all of these experiences that other people got to have, like having a quiet night in watching movies or getting drunk together. But this argument didn't hold up, and eventually I realized that it was that I hated about being single and unable to make a success of dating despite "everything" being in my favor.
It was that I lacked the capability to date. It was that, for other people, forming relationships was something they did as easily as if it was driving a car. For me, forming a relationship was impossible. Getting a third date close to impossible.
It wasn't my looks, or my height (over 6 feet), or that I was a creep, or that I was poor, or that I dressed badly. On the contrary, I did everything I possibly could to look attractive to the opposite sex and nothing worked. I had hobbies. I had friends. I was the ringleader of my friends that always organised parties. I had a good job, I made good money, I dressed well, and I had a black credit card. Didn't help.
So what was it that I lacked? I had a deep desire for validation from women and that made me incredibly unattractive to them. Physical attractiveness only goes so far - once we met, women could spot my neediness, despite me being aware of it and doing my best to hide it/work on it, and it killed their attraction. No amount of books that I read on the subject nor therapy to help me get over my childhood trauma seemed to help. It was like women had this innate sense that there were certain things that they expected from a man, and I didn't have those things. I realised this after being in therapy (on and off) for close on a decade, and I remember thinking that I'd probably never be able to form a long term relationship because I'd been so damaged from what I went through.
I think this is what upsets male incels and what most people online don't get - you feel fundamentally broken and worthless as a human being because parts of your psyche are so broken from what you went through that women don't see you as someone that they'd ever want for a partner. And nothing that you do seems to be able to plug this gap that you're only vaguely aware of. You feel like you were made this way - made to be unloved and unloveable. And when you talk about it, you either get ridicule or absolutely useless advice.
"Just be yourself" - absolutely meaningless and useless advice that never helped anyone, ever. "You'll meet the right person when you're ready" - another meaningless platitude. "Find some cool hobbies" - my Star Wars figurine collection somehow ever impressed the ladies (I joke). I had hobbies, I worked out, I was working on my first novel in my spare time, and none of it mattered. It was all theatre - a lot of work that didn't make one bit of difference. The only thing that did was slowly working on my childhood trauma and trying to identify those behaviors that made me unattractive.
I can't and won't defend incels that become misogynistic - it happens and I won't defend it. But I do think the collective world, including women who supposedly believe that the patriarchy is responsible, close their ears when men talk about their problems. Nobody wants to listen. Nobody has any sympathy. You're too entitled if you think you deserve to be loved, we're told. Women have it worse so stop complaining we're told.
After many years, I'm now happily married with a child.
