Whenever I have good things happen to me, I often get angry/sad. And then I cope through indifference.

[MoggerGaston]

I have suffered tremendously. Abusive parents. Bullied subhuman truecel in school. 23yo KHHV. And the list goes on and on.
Many things I have never experienced: Like for once being valued for who I am. Even just simple compliments were extremely rare.

Once I started dating finally dating at age ~24, I noticed that I started getting a lot of positive social-interaction which I never had in my entire life before.
Same with positive social-interaction from social-maxxing at a rowing fraternity and dancing club. Where I was a virgin who was now finally being socially engaged by peers.

I would get compliments and engagement from how smart I was, how athletic I was, how funny I was, and more of the like. It was mostly my personality now finally coming through being haloed by my new discovered softmaxxed+pubertymaxxed looks.

Instead of joy, I started feeling pain. Anger, Sadness. Because I started realizing what was now 'normal', what was now given to me. I lacked my entire life.
My parents never loved me. Socially I was always rejected by my peers. Adults also had a special dislike for me in my youth.

This is so brutal. To now finally get what you were missing for DECADES, something so severe which has traumatized you completely. I couldn't accept it, because it would relate so strongly to those decades where I got nothing of it.

Whenever I feel bad emotions, I cope by disassociation. I try to distance myself from everything I feel and pretend that everything is allright.

That's what I did, and which is why I could never enjoy my looks/social/romantic ascension. It didn't last and the sadness, grief, pain, anger made me feel unwelcome in society. Like I am some sort of freak subhuman.

I couldn't take it. The pain was unbearable.

Now I am trying again a way to find to consolidate my past with my present and future potential for good things to happen.

I think I will have to leave this forum, because it mostly involves teenagers who aren't yet at the age to value mental-health, but merely focussed on looks/status/success. Which imo is entirely secondary for me at this point. I am losing touch with this forum.

 

[Lefor3Laser]

I have suffered tremendously. Abusive parents. Bullied subhuman truecel in school. 23yo KHHV. And the list goes on and on.
Many things I have never experienced: Like for once being valued for who I am. Even just simple compliments were extremely rare.

Once I started dating finally dating at age ~24, I noticed that I started getting a lot of positive social-interaction which I never had in my entire life before.
Same with positive social-interaction from social-maxxing at a rowing fraternity and dancing club. Where I was a virgin who was now finally being socially engaged by peers.

I would get compliments and engagement from how smart I was, how athletic I was, how funny I was, and more of the like. It was mostly my personality now finally coming through being haloed by my new discovered softmaxxed+pubertymaxxed looks.

Instead of joy, I started feeling pain. Anger, Sadness. Because I started realizing what was now 'normal', what was now given to me. I lacked my entire life.
My parents never loved me. Socially I was always rejected by my peers. Adults also had a special dislike for me in my youth.

This is so brutal. To now finally get what you were missing for DECADES, something so severe which has traumatized you completely. I couldn't accept it, because it would relate so strongly to those decades where I got nothing of it.

Whenever I feel bad emotions, I cope by disassociation. I try to distance myself from everything I feel and pretend that everything is allright.

That's what I did, and which is why I could never enjoy my looks/social/romantic ascension. It didn't last and the sadness, grief, pain, anger made me feel unwelcome in society. Like I am some sort of freak subhuman.

I couldn't take it. The pain was unbearable.

Now I am trying again a way to find to consolidate my past with my present and future potential for good things to happen.

I think I will have to leave this forum, because it mostly involves teenagers who aren't yet at the age to value mental-health, but merely focussed on looks/status/success. Which imo is entirely secondary for me at this point. I am losing touch with this forum.

I won't say anything troll tbh about this situation, hope for you to get the best and everything you've wished for.

 

[Mull70]

Sadcel

 

[MoggerGaston]

Sadcel

its indeed sad what I've had to endure and all the things I never experienced.

When people complain about not getting chicks here, I honestly can't even relate. Like imagine that, but on top of that being also socially rejected, and on top of that being also severely abused by your own parents/family at home.

I am some kind of freak, like patrick bateman.

but not in the 'wow this killer psychopath is so cool, thats me bro.' -tiktok faggot kid way.

but more in the disassociated mental illness way where all your behavior becomes some sort of act meant to make other people see you as normal.
While meanwhile you are completely detached your emotions and the act you play becomes unbearable for you to handle at times as pressure piles up. Which in bateman's case causes him to murder people. But in my case makes me completely disconnect socially and stop caring about anything, seeking merely distraction from my suffering. I self-sabotage anything I built up.

I can not start to describe how poor my mental-health is. But it's hardly possible for the average 15yo tiktokcel on this forum to even understand it.
Because my life ON THE OUTSIDE largely resembles some degree of normal life experiences. Which some might even admire: 'wow this guy goes solo to raves, experiments with drugs, has sex with GL women, has big social-circles' but in reality is me at my best trying to feign a life which I don't even enjoy or feel emotionally. And it will all come crashing down in the end anyways, as it always has.

 

[Vermilioncore]

Brick by brick. The AR 15 sings a song.

 

[FutureSlayer]

I have suffered tremendously. Abusive parents. Bullied subhuman truecel in school. 23yo KHHV. And the list goes on and on.
Many things I have never experienced: Like for once being valued for who I am. Even just simple compliments were extremely rare.

Once I started dating finally dating at age ~24, I noticed that I started getting a lot of positive social-interaction which I never had in my entire life before.
Same with positive social-interaction from social-maxxing at a rowing fraternity and dancing club. Where I was a virgin who was now finally being socially engaged by peers.

I would get compliments and engagement from how smart I was, how athletic I was, how funny I was, and more of the like. It was mostly my personality now finally coming through being haloed by my new discovered softmaxxed+pubertymaxxed looks.

Instead of joy, I started feeling pain. Anger, Sadness. Because I started realizing what was now 'normal', what was now given to me. I lacked my entire life.
My parents never loved me. Socially I was always rejected by my peers. Adults also had a special dislike for me in my youth.

This is so brutal. To now finally get what you were missing for DECADES, something so severe which has traumatized you completely. I couldn't accept it, because it would relate so strongly to those decades where I got nothing of it.

Whenever I feel bad emotions, I cope by disassociation. I try to distance myself from everything I feel and pretend that everything is allright.

That's what I did, and which is why I could never enjoy my looks/social/romantic ascension. It didn't last and the sadness, grief, pain, anger made me feel unwelcome in society. Like I am some sort of freak subhuman.

I couldn't take it. The pain was unbearable.

Now I am trying again a way to find to consolidate my past with my present and future potential for good things to happen.

I think I will have to leave this forum, because it mostly involves teenagers who aren't yet at the age to value mental-health, but merely focussed on looks/status/success. Which imo is entirely secondary for me at this point. I am losing touch with this forum.

Leave buddy, you got what you needed

 

[FutureSlayer]

its indeed sad what I've had to endure and all the things I never experienced.

When people complain about not getting chicks here, I honestly can't even relate. Like imagine that, but on top of that being also socially rejected, and on top of that being also severely abused by your own parents/family at home.

I am some kind of freak, like patrick bateman.

but noT in the 'wow this killer psychopath is so cool, thats me bro.' -tiktok faggot kid way.

but more in the disassociated mental illness way where all your behavior becomes some sort of act meant to make other people make you see as normal.
While meanwhile you are completely detached your emotions and the act you play becomes unbearable for you to handle at times as pressure piles up. Which in bateman's case causes him to murder people. But in my case makes me completely disconnect socially and stop caring about anything, seeking merely distraction from my suffering. I self-sabotage anything I built up.

I can not start to describe how poor my mental-health is. But it's hardly possible for the average 15yo tiktokcel on this forum to even understand it.
Because my life largely resembles some degree of normal life experiences into it. Which some might even admire: 'wow this guy goes solo to raves, experiments with drugs, has sex with GL women, has big social-circles' but in reality is me at my best trying to feign a life which I don't even enjoy or feel emotionally. And it will all come crashing down in the end anyways, as it always has.

Extremely relatable tho