Vermilioncore
fear god
- Joined
- Oct 17, 2019
- Posts
- 69,878
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Back in December the week before Christmas I was raped by a guy I had just started to get to know, who I really thought I had a chance with… We had met up in person once and then the next time he raped me. I keep trying to understand how I feel and process everything and it seems like one week I’m okay, the next I’m depressed, then angry, then shameful, so many feelings. When he raped me I was at home and i told him I didn’t want to have sex before he came over, maybe I shouldnt have let him in.. i was in my pajamas, a two piece short set.. maybe I shouldn’t have worn that and he wouldn’t have done it? We made out before it happened which led to the rape.. maybe I shouldn’t have done that? I moaned when he gave me oral it seemed like it felt good? Even now I’m questioning myself if it actually felt good or did my body just think it did? While he was penetrating me I didn’t do anything but lay there and space out and the only words I could really mumble were “I said I didn’t want to do this” and he just kept saying “don’t tell me no, I don’t like when you tell me no”… I should’ve fought harder. I’m such an advocate for victims not blaming themselves for their assault but having a really hard time giving myself that grace because maybe just maybe if I would’ve been smarter, wore a different outfit then it wouldn’t have happened. How could I even feel any arousal while something like that was happening? I even considered trying to have consensual sex with him afterwards to balance it out… if I wanted it this time then the rape wouldn’t really be a rape…right? I’m not sure what to do and it feels like I’m slowly losing my sanity. No one around me knows, I’m too guilty to say that I even felt a bit of pleasure during it. I’m losing myself it seems little by little day by day. I don’t think he even realizes he raped me, I mean he did say I was making him feel bad by the way I responded afterwards but why would he still try to keep in contact with me if he knew he raped me? Why did I answer the phone when he called even though it gave me panic attacks?? What’s wrong with me?? Was it even rape if he wasn’t rough with me? My brain is just a black ball of scribbles, it feels like I’m slowly decaying. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same.
