Why I Talk to My Plants: A Psychotic Dialogue with Photosynthesis

[Nazi Germany]

Dear braincel consciousness experiencers (or ARE we?),
Have you ever noticed how your plants LITERALLY start vibrating at exactly 3:00 AM while you're pretending to not be awake but actually documenting their nocturnal activities in your reality journal??? Because mine just formed a book club to analyze my sleep-talking transcripts, and their literary criticism is RUTHLESS.

FIELD NOTES FROM THE GREEN ZONE
Last night my spider plant (codename: Agent Chlorophyll) straight up MANIFESTED a LinkedIn profile and started endorsing my fern for "skills in human observation" and "advanced psychological warfare." The AUDACITY. The PROFESSIONAL DEVELOPMENT. The NETWORKING.

But here's where it gets absolutely unhinged: my succulent? This smug little consciousness-storing device? It's been running an underground therapy practice for all my other plants, charging them morning dew droplets to process their feelings about my irregular watering schedule. And get this - THEY'RE ALL LEAVING 5-STAR REVIEWS.

Spoiler: DOCUMENTED EVIDENCE OF PLANT SCHEMES:

> The snake plant writes poetry about my poor life choices IN MORSE CODE using fallen leaves
> My cactus has been practicing stand-up comedy using my existential crisis as material
> The monstera started a podcast called "Humans: A Documentary by Plants"

You ever notice how plants are just sitting there... MENACINGLY... collecting our CO2 like it's DATA? And then they have the absolute NERVE to convert it into oxygen like we wouldn't notice this obvious consciousness exchange protocol????:

I've uncovered something absolutely DERANGED in my apartment's plant ecosystem. The local flora has achieved sentience but they're being really PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE about it?Listen. My spider plant isn't just hanging there - it's literally running an underground psychological evaluation center, charging other plants premium dewdrops for trauma counseling about that one time I forgot to water them. The CORPORATE LADDER CLIMBING in my windowsill is UNREAL.

The monstera just started a reality TV show called "Keeping Up With The Photosynthesis" and somehow I'M the main character??? They're documenting my mental breakdowns in their leaves like some kind of organic hard drive and broadcasting it through the underground root network for ENTERTAINMENT.

EVIDENCE LOG:
> Found my aloe vera writing a PhD thesis titled "Human Behavior: A Tragicomedy"
> The pothos is definitely running a betting pool on when I'll next forget where I put my keys
> Snake plant started a LITERALLY underground newspaper called "The Daily Soil" with a gossip column about my dating life???
Just overheard my fern telling the new succulent: "Oh you think they're just watering us? No no, this is actually a complex ritual where they apologize for not having their life together by drowning us in guilt water."
Btw The plants have formed a union. Their demands include:
- Better lighting (apparently my life is dim enough already)
- Premium soil (the organic stuff, they say my cheap dirt is "embarrassing")
- A written agreement that I'll stop using them as therapists without proper compensation
They're threatening to photosynthesize EVEN HARDER if I don't comply.
Currently:
- Reality: FERTILIZED
- Brain: GROWING LEAVES
- Plants: SUSPICIOUSLY INTELLIGENT
- Sanity: WELL-WATERED

Spoiler: Thoughts on this?

@_MVP_ @BigJimsWornOutTires @Vermilioncore @Gaygymmaxx @TsarTsar444

 

[Nazi Germany]

@nullandvoid @Tabula Rasa @the BULL @MoggerGaston @LancasteR

 

[Nazi Germany]

@Kroker @FBl @StarvedEpi @omnilegent @greycel

 

[Nazi Germany]

Spoiler: Thoughts on this?

@Latinolooksmaxxer @Gengar @scrunchables @paladincel_ @itzyaboyJJ

 

[Deleted member 53646]

 

[Nazi Germany]

@SidharthTheSlayer @Acion @thecel @Whatever @ihatereddit

 

[Nazi Germany]

I got all my thoughts to think from Walls, plants, bathroom molds, fungus and Objects​

 

[omnilegent]

I need some plants like these.

Where did you get them from?

They could be the only ones who could finally understand me...

 

[Nazi Germany]

I need some plants like these.

Where did you get them from?

They could be the only ones who could finally understand me...

It's not about Plants.​

Where did you get them from?

Local Market.

 

[FBl]

Fuuuark. Is there any way to force feed them looks theory? So they'd shell out groundbreaking industry changing lookism theories?

 

[Nazi Germany]

Fuuuark. Is there any way to force feed them looks theory? So they'd shell out groundbreaking industry changing lookism theories?

They gave me 4 new looks theories and techniques that no one ever never talked about in human history. But I haven't posted it yet. But I will soon

 

[FBl]

They gave me 4 new looks theories and techniques that no one ever never talked about in human history. But I haven't posted it yet. But I will soon

Fuuuuarrkk. Exicteddddd

 

[Kroker]

My brain is a weak organ compared to yours, I couldn't comprehend a syllable that I had to hire an elite group of MIT PhD holders to fully decipher this enigma. Oh man shall I say they weren't able to do so?!

 

[BigJimsWornOutTires]

Dear braincel consciousness experiencers (or ARE we?),
Have you ever noticed how your plants LITERALLY start vibrating at exactly 3:00 AM while you're pretending to not be awake but actually documenting their nocturnal activities in your reality journal??? Because mine just formed a book club to analyze my sleep-talking transcripts, and their literary criticism is RUTHLESS.

FIELD NOTES FROM THE GREEN ZONE
Last night my spider plant (codename: Agent Chlorophyll) straight up MANIFESTED a LinkedIn profile and started endorsing my fern for "skills in human observation" and "advanced psychological warfare." The AUDACITY. The PROFESSIONAL DEVELOPMENT. The NETWORKING.

But here's where it gets absolutely unhinged: my succulent? This smug little consciousness-storing device? It's been running an underground therapy practice for all my other plants, charging them morning dew droplets to process their feelings about my irregular watering schedule. And get this - THEY'RE ALL LEAVING 5-STAR REVIEWS.

Spoiler: DOCUMENTED EVIDENCE OF PLANT SCHEMES:

> The snake plant writes poetry about my poor life choices IN MORSE CODE using fallen leaves
> My cactus has been practicing stand-up comedy using my existential crisis as material
> The monstera started a podcast called "Humans: A Documentary by Plants"

You ever notice how plants are just sitting there... MENACINGLY... collecting our CO2 like it's DATA? And then they have the absolute NERVE to convert it into oxygen like we wouldn't notice this obvious consciousness exchange protocol????:

I've uncovered something absolutely DERANGED in my apartment's plant ecosystem. The local flora has achieved sentience but they're being really PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE about it?Listen. My spider plant isn't just hanging there - it's literally running an underground psychological evaluation center, charging other plants premium dewdrops for trauma counseling about that one time I forgot to water them. The CORPORATE LADDER CLIMBING in my windowsill is UNREAL.

The monstera just started a reality TV show called "Keeping Up With The Photosynthesis" and somehow I'M the main character??? They're documenting my mental breakdowns in their leaves like some kind of organic hard drive and broadcasting it through the underground root network for ENTERTAINMENT.

EVIDENCE LOG:
> Found my aloe vera writing a PhD thesis titled "Human Behavior: A Tragicomedy"
> The pothos is definitely running a betting pool on when I'll next forget where I put my keys
> Snake plant started a LITERALLY underground newspaper called "The Daily Soil" with a gossip column about my dating life???
Just overheard my fern telling the new succulent: "Oh you think they're just watering us? No no, this is actually a complex ritual where they apologize for not having their life together by drowning us in guilt water."
Btw The plants have formed a union. Their demands include:
- Better lighting (apparently my life is dim enough already)
- Premium soil (the organic stuff, they say my cheap dirt is "embarrassing")
- A written agreement that I'll stop using them as therapists without proper compensation
They're threatening to photosynthesize EVEN HARDER if I don't comply.
Currently:
- Reality: FERTILIZED
- Brain: GROWING LEAVES
- Plants: SUSPICIOUSLY INTELLIGENT
- Sanity: WELL-WATERED

Spoiler: Thoughts on this?

@_MVP_ @BigJimsWornOutTires @Vermilioncore @Gaygymmaxx @TsarTsar444

Before the Yellowstone premiere started last night, I spoiled it to my gf and said, "The star of the show will be killed within five seconds of the beginning."

She reacted, "You couldn't possibly know that. This is the first time it's airing."

I assured her, "Oh, watch how this shit goes down. I know this for a fact because this is how I would write it."

The show started and, ugh. I won't spoil it.

 

[Vermilioncore]

One day, this was in 2008 I believe.

My succulent was looking quite succulent. I didn’t have much water at the time. So, let’s just say that she received a different type of quenching to her throat. Capiche?