Why you don't take what you want in life

[iblamemandible7]

Another strange complex I developed through the years

I slowly transformed from a kid who did what I wanted unapologetically, into someone too timid to seek anything out.

I used to ask for things I wanted, I used to go out and do what I wanted

I'm unrecognizable now, whenever I consider pursuing something I immediately shut it down unconsciously

Now I find comfort in giving up. Giving up is my comfort zone. I find a sense of comfort in not trying, because even if I did try I know my efforts are futile

I think this is because of "no"

Time and time again, life told me "no", my family told me "no", society told me "no", the world told me "no"

A constant cycle of negative reinforcement turned me into a coward who makes a million negotiations against myself when it comes to what I really want. I want everything, but "I" want nothing. "I" always take over.

 

[iblamemandible7]

I wish I could not give a shit, I wish I did give a shit with my whole heart, but I'm stuck in between the two, and there's nothing worse than that

 

[iblamemandible7]

It's like I've been living in a state of limbo since 9 years old, my desires versus my fears, my fears always take over, I need to start guarding my desires more closely and sticking up for them, sticking up for myself, even though I know I'm not good enough, but maybe I could become better, only if I do what I want, because what's the point of this journey if I'm going to compromise the desires most important to my self out of cowardice?

 

[iblamemandible7]

Really I need to reset my mind and find a way to start fresh. Muscle memories and pattern recognitions fucked my shit up and now I want to unsee them so I can do shit "my" way instead of doing things out of fear. I don't even know who I am, I never got the chance to, because the fear is integrated so deep in my soul, it may as well be a part of it