Veganist
Demon
- Joined
- Aug 11, 2018
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![[Image: sherlock-benedict-cumberbatch.gif]](/proxy.php?image=https%3A%2F%2Fmedia1.tenor.com%2Fm%2F8Fl_IPLH3jwAAAAd%2Fsherlock-benedict-cumberbatch.gif&hash=bdef405811f956f9bf4f14aa1606d035 "[Image: sherlock-benedict-cumberbatch.gif]")
Thread theme:
(play it silently, so that you can focus on the text and its significance; install an add-on that includes the automatic repeat option and turn it on if you are a slow reader)
As you all know, I've been struggling with finding my purpose for a while now, and my struggle spiraled into full-blown alcoholism and the recent disbandment of the firm I was effectively running, despite being the youngest senior partner in it.
To no one's surprise, I immediately started deteriorating even further, worse than during my pre-graduation months. But in that downward spiral, I realized I was at a turning point in my life. I never mentioned this on the forum, but even before deciding to abandon the weaponized waitering known as lawyering—because it simply wasn’t fulfilling—I had already started brainstorming and reviewing the notes and project drafts I had made shortly after entering law school.
Again, to no one's surprise, I found the one thing worth pursuing, and contacted two of my colleagues I know were on the same page as me, both morally (more important) and intellectually, briefly explaining my idea to them and asking them if they were willing to join me. We are complete strangers to each other beyond just being colleagues, but it only takes reading a couple of chapters of someone's ramblings published as academic papers and a couple of info about their courtroom reputation and general reputation within the field (again, including both morals and expertise and potential), to determine someone is compatible for collaboration.
At the time of e-mailing them, I only knew their current professional status (the firms they worked in), and nothing about their aspirations or whether they were satisfied with their careers. It turned out my assessment was spot on, and they both agreed for a meeting. We had that meeting this week. One of them already seems to be 100% in, the other one is, in principle, also interested, he just wants more clarification on what I'm trying to achieve.
Why am I typing all this? We will have another meeting at the end of this week, a longer one this time, and it's more than likely to result in us deciding to start the project (no point in even attempting to describe what it's about here, when even 99% of my colleagues would just give me a blank stare if I tried to present it to them). If we do, it will mean a complete lifestyle shift from me. I'm not gonna turn into an 8 AM - 22 PM workaholic, at least not over night, but the change would significantly impact my life, both immediately and in the long term.
I still haven't made the final decision on it, but my options are:
1) Continuing with my degeneracy, spending my life on rotting and/or rotting+piss-easy "high status" (from the perspective of the average uninspiring moron) job, and then, in 10-15 years, realizing I've wasted it for nothing and, consequently, spending my old age suffering in agony because of the typical "I could have done so much more" regret. Sure, it's still cope because no one will even remember Jesus, let alone Einstein or Von Neumann in a couple of centuries (and a century is a comically short period of time in the grand scheme of time-space itself), but there's nothing we can do about it anyway.
2) Mustering the courage (for once in my life) and engaging in something that's more than likely to be overwhelming from day one. I won't even care if I (we) fail miserably if, after that hypothetical failure, I can look at myself in the mirror and tell myself: "I gave it a shot, it just didn't work/I didn't have what it takes".
From the rational viewpoint (unfortunately for me, also known as "the vacuum"), the choice seems obvious:
a) advantages of choice 1: none, when we take my current standpoint in life into account;
b) disadvantages of choice 1: spending the rest of my life fantasizing, daydreaming and having those "lol, in 15 months from know, when I do A, B and C, I'll have X, Y and Z" internal monologues during every meaningless walk I take, until I reach a point where it would take schizophrenic delusion (comparable to planning to become a jb-magnet as a 4/10 55 yo hobo) to think I still have a shot at it;
c) advantages of choice 2:
- getting rid of that never-ending existential dread, even if only through keeping myself occupied;
- my weight and alcoholism problems would fix themselves because I would neither have the time nor the need for artificial overstimulation;
- I'd, extremely likely, end up getting a girlfriend/wife and starting a family before it's too late (it's already a bit late, because I'm 30+ and the ideal scenario is marrying your HS sweetheart and having 2 kids by 25, but I can cope with not having accomplished that through sheer racism);
- most importantly, I'd lose that surreal feeling of being a fucking bot and start feeling alive again (even if it doesn't make a difference eventually) and taste at least minimal level of joy proper self-actualization gives you;
d) disadvantages of choice 2: no more luxury of spending 40 minutes after waking up on checking NBA highlights from last night and consuming other, just as tragically irrelevant internet content, or just deciding "I'm done for the day, time to spend its remaining 10 hours stuffing myself with alcohol and food like a fucking nigger" at like 2 PM ... that's it.
Again ... why am I typing all this? Because, if I make the right decision, it will mark the end of PSL as we know it. That doesn't necessarily mean I'll never log back in to check on my year-long friends from lookism, but this time I really am one move away from never having the luxury of just deciding to spend 3 hours on pointless internet browsing and shitposting again (or until I'm old enough for it to lose its entertainment value completely, and/or until there's no one from 2017-2021 lookism left here anyway).
I know reading this is heartbreaking for all of you who have been around in the period I mentioned, but that's life. I won't pretend moments like this one are easy, but at least we've had a good time. Me more than you (except maybe Josh), considering I've been treated like a celebrity with my every login for almost a decade. Not as stimulating as real life validation, but still stimulating.
- your ridicuӏousӏy_likeable
