therewillbeblud
Endless hallucinations
- Joined
- Apr 16, 2025
- Posts
- 378
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- 520
You're not dumb. You're just ... sad.
While sitting on the terrace, deep in my usual self-criticism, a realization struck me. Many of us might see ourselves reflected in the category society often labels as 'dumb'. Perhaps we're socially inept, not particularly outgoing, feeling merely average in everything we attempt. Every niche we explore seems to already have its established experts, and the drive to compete feels fundamentally absent, almost as if it's not in our DNA.
Why is this? What prevented us from exploring, from taking that leap of faith? Why couldn't we let the fire inside burn long enough to fuel sustained growth in anything? Surely, we weren't always pessimists, right? Something must have gone wrong along the way. Something that led us to drop out of academics, fail within our chosen niches, or abandon the pursuit of that one thing we loved with all our hearts.
Tracing this feeling back, it seems the root issue might be a persistent lack of happiness, a deficit of energy. But why?
Ask yourself this: When was the last time you were truly happy? Genuinely happy with what you were doing, pursuing, or dreaming about? And where are you now compared to that time? Was it before you became acutely self-aware, or after?
As it turns out, I can't recall ever being truly happy, for as long as I can remember. I was the child who desperately wanted to remain hidden forever, even when others hid for the thrill of being found. The child who sometimes wished for something drastic, like being abducted, just to feel desperately needed and cared for by his parents. The child who couldn't filter emotions, absorbing every hurt deeply and equally. A child whose heart felt heavy, like tar, by the age of 13, a feeling so pervasive that later I even considered joining the military, not out of duty, but to surrender control and the illusion of freedom, just to live a life where I wasn't the voyager charting my own course. I felt I had already known and experienced so much negativity, always waiting for a savior who never arrived – and really, how could they have? Underneath it all, I was just ... a sad kid.
No one ever seemed to believe I could excel or achieve great things, so eventually, I stopped trying. The question remains: why didn't I ever push myself, *for* myself? That's something I'm still in the process of figuring out.
While sitting on the terrace, deep in my usual self-criticism, a realization struck me. Many of us might see ourselves reflected in the category society often labels as 'dumb'. Perhaps we're socially inept, not particularly outgoing, feeling merely average in everything we attempt. Every niche we explore seems to already have its established experts, and the drive to compete feels fundamentally absent, almost as if it's not in our DNA.
Why is this? What prevented us from exploring, from taking that leap of faith? Why couldn't we let the fire inside burn long enough to fuel sustained growth in anything? Surely, we weren't always pessimists, right? Something must have gone wrong along the way. Something that led us to drop out of academics, fail within our chosen niches, or abandon the pursuit of that one thing we loved with all our hearts.
Tracing this feeling back, it seems the root issue might be a persistent lack of happiness, a deficit of energy. But why?
Ask yourself this: When was the last time you were truly happy? Genuinely happy with what you were doing, pursuing, or dreaming about? And where are you now compared to that time? Was it before you became acutely self-aware, or after?
As it turns out, I can't recall ever being truly happy, for as long as I can remember. I was the child who desperately wanted to remain hidden forever, even when others hid for the thrill of being found. The child who sometimes wished for something drastic, like being abducted, just to feel desperately needed and cared for by his parents. The child who couldn't filter emotions, absorbing every hurt deeply and equally. A child whose heart felt heavy, like tar, by the age of 13, a feeling so pervasive that later I even considered joining the military, not out of duty, but to surrender control and the illusion of freedom, just to live a life where I wasn't the voyager charting my own course. I felt I had already known and experienced so much negativity, always waiting for a savior who never arrived – and really, how could they have? Underneath it all, I was just ... a sad kid.
No one ever seemed to believe I could excel or achieve great things, so eventually, I stopped trying. The question remains: why didn't I ever push myself, *for* myself? That's something I'm still in the process of figuring out.
