SharpOrange
lifelong KHHV oldcel
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OK, the title is a bit of a joke. But honestly, the gender dynamics of the space were so different I found it fascinating, and I wanted to write about it.
There will be no sexy details in this post (sorry, pervert guys who will inevitably DM me later. I'm just gonna block). I'm genuinely just really interested in the social space and the culture that developed in the sex club.
I should clarify, i've only been to this one particular club, different clubs may have different cultures. This one is a particularly social space - no loud, pounding music, there's a heated pool where people hang out, and an upstairs area where most of the sex happens, so the sex and the socializing are mostly separated. I've heard it described as a "social club first, sex club second". I'm not going to name the club, since I don't represent them. These are just my own thoughts and observations.
I decided to go on my own, partly because I was curious and wanted to challenge myself, but also because at the time I couldn't imagine anything more awkward than taking a friend with me to the sex club (I have since taken several friends with me to the sex club and it's fine.) I promised myself that I would just go there once, as a challenge, and I would leave immediately if I felt unsafe or uncomfortable.
I thought of the sexual politics of a dance club - guys going out to get laid, and then groping, following, pressuring, and generally bullying the women they found there. Bouncers that intervened only in the most obvious and egregious circumstances. Closely guarding my drink and monitoring my girl friends' safety. Despite all the marketing advertising a safe, consent-first space, I just couldn't picture it. How could the presence of sex and nudity produce BETTER behaviour in men? Hard to believe. So I assumed I would be there for an hour tops, check it off the bucket list, and go home.
Instead what i discovered was, when you're a single woman at a sex club, you're basically royalty. Every rule and custom revolves around what women want. For example:
- Men are not allowed upstairs (where most of the sex happens) without a female escort. Two nights a week, men are not even allowed in the club without a female escort. If your date leaves, and there's no woman there who will agree to stay with you, you have to leave. Women can go when and where they please.
-Single women pay a $15 cover. Single men pay $100.
- The bouncers and staff are on the BALL when it comes to women's safety. I once stumbled a little bit getting out of the pool, and security was INSTANTLY on me. "How much have you had to drink? Has anybody else been near your drink tonight?" I was literally just clumsy, but I appreciated the check in. I have NEVER had a bouncer take my safety that seriously at a traditional club.
- The ask-once-rule. If you are interested in someone, you can ask them ONLY ONCE to go upstairs with you. If they say no, that's it. No pestering, no following.
- No touching of any kind - not so much as a pat on the shoulder - without explicit verbal consent. Even watching/staring at other people requires consent.
- If you violate any of these rules, the staff is not shy about not just kicking you out, but banning you for life.
These rules are for everyone, but come on... We know who they were thinking of when they made them.
I cannot emphasize enough how every rule and custom is designed and enforced to protect women and eliminate pushy or violent behaviour in men. As a result, unsafe men are far less likely to get in and stay in. Men who feel entitled to women's bodies and attention quickly find that they spent $100 to get banned from a club. With a price tag that high, they are on their best behaviour, because they know that a few words from me can get them kicked out in an instant.
In the club, I got to experience something I never had before: what it's like to be in a co-ed space where women's needs are central. It makes you really realize how much of your life you spend anticipating male violence, and how that anticipation changes your social behavior. How often we laugh at jokes that aren't funny, don't speak up when we dislike something. How carefully we dance around making sure the men around us feel good about themselves, because we don't know what they will do if they feel "emasculated". We do it even when the men around us seem fine, because it becomes a habit.
When the threat of violence is removed from the equation, women very naturally take on the socially dominant position. How could we not? Men want us so much more than we want them. They want our attention. They want to impress us. If men can't threaten and harass and intimidate, (or passively benefit from a culture where OTHER men do so) they have to smile and charm and think hard about what we want and how to give it to us.
Without threatening men around, women relax and open up socially. They take up space. They say what they want. And the men listen. The vibe is absurdly upbeat and positive, and more socially open than a typical bar. At a bar, you mostly talk to the people you came with, unless someone is smooth enough to break the ice. At the sex club, people just... talk to whoever's closest. Everyone always seems in a good mood, everyone seems happy to talk to you.
Here's the kicker: even the MEN seem happier without patriarchal dudes around. In the outside world, men worry they will be perceived as gay if they so much as have a drink with an umbrella in it. In the club, I've seen men stand around, butt-ass naked, chatting happily with each other without a moment's "no homo" anxiety. There's much less peacocking, much less jostling with each other to be dominant or "alpha." They can just relax. In fact, I've spoken to many men who will happily spend the $100 with no expectation of getting laid that night. They just enjoy the social space that much.
I think it's over-idealistic to imply that the dynamics of patriarchy just evaporate when you step into a space like this. But this is the closest thing to a matriarchy I've ever experienced. And as a result, everybody is happy, everybody seems to like each other, there is far less conflict or jostling for dominance, and everybody is having lots and lots of sex. Do with that information as you will.
