NateJacobs
Christ is King,
- Joined
- Jun 11, 2023
- Posts
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Journal entry dgaf about a title i just cannot stand my life atm. I lost everything in the last year. And thats an exageration actually since i put so much emphaisis on my looks but real talk i have lost a lot and its showed me i really never had anything of my own. I do not make money anymore and now im ugly. So whats the point? I have no discipline to do anything unless its for women.
I only started lifting because i wanted to get women and i liked how i looked in the mirror, i only started looksmaxxing to get women and i liked how i looked in the mirror, i only started making money online so that i could buy and iphone and finally start talking to girls without being curved automatically. I dont do anything unless i can tie it onto vanity and or getting women.
I do not want women just to have them, i want to get a wife. To do that i need to find a wifey girl which is rare so i need to be as gl as possible to even have a chance to get her. Even then, i have to maintain her and therefore maintain my looks. Ik looks are the most important thing for getting women so i put emphaisis on that. I nt max as much as i can for women not guys. Im my autisti self around them idgaf. im just a bitch straight up. At least i didnt goon today. Last 5 days i have beaton off a minumu of 4 times a day maybe even 5. I believe in jesus christ as my lord and savior please let me go to heaven and just take my life. I do not want to live i have been on and off sucidial my whole life but it was like a once a year or every other year i would have a day or two where i wanted to kill myself. In 2021 tho i was sucidical very often and i thought id end it before 21 and idrc about it too much at the time litearlly meant nothing to me. Freshman-junior years i was not sucidal at all really maybe a couple times i was but not a whole year defined by it like 21'. But now, i have had several long stretches where i have been sucidial. I imagine killing myself several times a day back in december. Now here i am again wanting to rope. Idk if this site makes it worse or not because when im not here i have no way to track my tendencies or what im thinking so im not sure if i was suicidal during febuary-early march. I literally just don;t remember. I have been sad and anxious about stuff yeah you could tell just by reading my older threads but now im just consistently more suicidal. Im just anxious on whether or not id go to heaven when i die. And its mainly due to my looks now but in 21' it was because i was socially isolated that entire year and i also hate my life and online school. It gives me ptsd and i want to rope thinking about it tbh. I feel apathetic to sucide eben like idec while im writing this i used to get teary eyed but now im just venting my thoughts. Idrc about shit its over for the time being i want to die and thats that who even gaf. Shits over fuck it i hate my life and im a bitch i dont even have it that bad im just a fucking lazy retarded bitch.
I only started lifting because i wanted to get women and i liked how i looked in the mirror, i only started looksmaxxing to get women and i liked how i looked in the mirror, i only started making money online so that i could buy and iphone and finally start talking to girls without being curved automatically. I dont do anything unless i can tie it onto vanity and or getting women.
I do not want women just to have them, i want to get a wife. To do that i need to find a wifey girl which is rare so i need to be as gl as possible to even have a chance to get her. Even then, i have to maintain her and therefore maintain my looks. Ik looks are the most important thing for getting women so i put emphaisis on that. I nt max as much as i can for women not guys. Im my autisti self around them idgaf. im just a bitch straight up. At least i didnt goon today. Last 5 days i have beaton off a minumu of 4 times a day maybe even 5. I believe in jesus christ as my lord and savior please let me go to heaven and just take my life. I do not want to live i have been on and off sucidial my whole life but it was like a once a year or every other year i would have a day or two where i wanted to kill myself. In 2021 tho i was sucidical very often and i thought id end it before 21 and idrc about it too much at the time litearlly meant nothing to me. Freshman-junior years i was not sucidal at all really maybe a couple times i was but not a whole year defined by it like 21'. But now, i have had several long stretches where i have been sucidial. I imagine killing myself several times a day back in december. Now here i am again wanting to rope. Idk if this site makes it worse or not because when im not here i have no way to track my tendencies or what im thinking so im not sure if i was suicidal during febuary-early march. I literally just don;t remember. I have been sad and anxious about stuff yeah you could tell just by reading my older threads but now im just consistently more suicidal. Im just anxious on whether or not id go to heaven when i die. And its mainly due to my looks now but in 21' it was because i was socially isolated that entire year and i also hate my life and online school. It gives me ptsd and i want to rope thinking about it tbh. I feel apathetic to sucide eben like idec while im writing this i used to get teary eyed but now im just venting my thoughts. Idrc about shit its over for the time being i want to die and thats that who even gaf. Shits over fuck it i hate my life and im a bitch i dont even have it that bad im just a fucking lazy retarded bitch.
