iamgoingtoascend
Bronze
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2025
- Posts
- 310
- Reputation
- 226
In 6 months i turn 20 years old. I spent all of 16-20 in my room, starting at a computer screen every single evening. And there is nothing i can do to get that back. Right now everybody is graduating, happy living their lives like normal people. I don’t know why i had to be this way and have to sit on the inside looking at everybody having fun on the outside. I regurlaly fantasize about suicide, I’ll never do it, but i daydream about the way people would find out. Like if someone was scrolling on instagram and saw that i killed myself on somebodys story. For that brief second they would stop and feel bad. And then they would move on. But still. Just today i thought about making up this story that i tried to kill myself with a sodium nitrate kit, based off of a story i found on here. And i still might do that and tell a person i know that i didn’t kms with the sodium nitrate but turned away at the last second, even though thats not true. But id make up that story for some kind of empathy.
The things i would do to just be an avarage normal person in society. I’d do anything. But all that time, those prime teenage years are wasted. Im so behind everybody. Just now this evening i sat for hours and hours on end speaking with AI about whether i should attend this graduation party. And i didn’t. I’m too scared. Scared because i don’t feel comfortable. I don’t know how to talk to people I’ve never been drunk etc so how the fuck am i supposed to jump right into that party. But at the same time i dont want to have the feeling of FOMO i get from not going. So i end up just not going and feeling like shit seeing everybody else have fun. Even just now while writing this my mind hopped back to suicide, which id never do, but i think about it very regurlaly. The only reason i probably won’t do it is because i have the temporary hapiness/dopamine i get from my computer, watching YouTube or doomscrolling politics. I wish the world wasn’t unfair. I wish nobody was born ugly or poor. I wish everybody was just as attractive and that nobody lived in poverty. But people like myself just have to suffer. We have to be the darkness that balance out the light. We have to suffer so others get to be happy. Hopefully one day we humans evolve far enough to create a society where nobody has to live through the darkness, and everybody is happy.
The things i would do to just be an avarage normal person in society. I’d do anything. But all that time, those prime teenage years are wasted. Im so behind everybody. Just now this evening i sat for hours and hours on end speaking with AI about whether i should attend this graduation party. And i didn’t. I’m too scared. Scared because i don’t feel comfortable. I don’t know how to talk to people I’ve never been drunk etc so how the fuck am i supposed to jump right into that party. But at the same time i dont want to have the feeling of FOMO i get from not going. So i end up just not going and feeling like shit seeing everybody else have fun. Even just now while writing this my mind hopped back to suicide, which id never do, but i think about it very regurlaly. The only reason i probably won’t do it is because i have the temporary hapiness/dopamine i get from my computer, watching YouTube or doomscrolling politics. I wish the world wasn’t unfair. I wish nobody was born ugly or poor. I wish everybody was just as attractive and that nobody lived in poverty. But people like myself just have to suffer. We have to be the darkness that balance out the light. We have to suffer so others get to be happy. Hopefully one day we humans evolve far enough to create a society where nobody has to live through the darkness, and everybody is happy.
