7nclave
Iron
- Joined
- Apr 13, 2026
- Posts
- 57
- Reputation
- 65
growing up,i was a victim of bullying due to my appearance and personality.For one my lips were big and my teeth were crooked,and the personality..I dunno i just never seemed to fit in.I can go as far as to remember getting drowned by these two older boys and accepting it because i just wanted to fit in.Or the time I was at a baby shower and these two boys pushed me into a bush of stinging nettles and ran away.Of course I laughed and accepted it because that’s what friends do?I never was able to fit in properly and my only friend up until i was 8 was my great grandma who died.Once she died people started ‘caring’ about me and i started making friends,I found that sports was best for me if I wanted to be seen so I tried my best and up until 12 I became great and finally got the attention I wanted.Secondary was a big shift for me,for starters I had already been mimicking my environment and doing things I wouldn’t normally do to fit in and it worked.People saw me and I got the attention i always wanted..
A year into secondary my parents split.I always remember the arguing and the screaming and shouting,one time she screamed for me to come because my mum was acting like she was about to get hit but she didn’t and my dad just stormed out and said how could you do that.I didn’t really meddle with it.I never picked a side because my mum said my dad cheated on her and my dad said likewise,both tried winning me over with other stuff.My mum replaced her car and replaced the the locks and i was right in the middle of this all.I believe this to be the first important moment as I begun to isolate myself and break down,refining my masking to keep the reputation I had built in high school up,though i would dissapear every chance I got.After all that mess I was left in pieces because I didn’t have a clue about anything.This wasn’t the worst of it,my mum then started kicking me out the house on excuses like oh i’m just gonna host a party i’m gonna bring my friends around there’s stuff i don’t want you to see.The first few times i was oblivious and I would just wander the streets and always found myself at my grandmas house.After awhile i realised what my mum was doing,if you have read goodnight pun pun you’ll know this part when punpun gets kicked out by his mum and his mum was inviting men over while he was out.This was the cherry ontop to my mental break down where I went berserk on my mum and swore I hated her.All she could do was cry and apologise and say she won’t kick me out again.She stayed true to her word because she never kicked me out again but then she just stopped coming home.She never came home and was always out doing something but I never questioned it.So this left me in isolation and I felt so abandoned which I guess made me really depressed and I was like 13-14 at this time.This detached me from my family completely and to this day i don’t really talk to them or say anything,as my ability to have conversations is very bad and i don’t do small talk at all.I found out on holiday she was doing like OF n stuff which further increased my innate hatred for her and yeah.Growing up my family always made comments on my looks and Ill never forget they told me to just not smile when taking pictures because my smile ruined the photo.With all this isolation and abandonment,on my grandmas birthday we were going to a restaraunt and I got ready first and waited for them to get ready and for us to go
Everyone in my house left(2 cars) and it got until they got there for them to even remember me and ask where I was.With all that has happened to me I lost it and ran away from my house,I never looked back and I just kept running,crying as I ran.It seemed I wasn’t getting validation from anyone ever,they never noticed my presence and my masking I was performing at school was slipping as outside of school events was impacting me.I don’t know how I’ve went through the whole of the school year covering this up but many people in my year (girls) always make comments on how they think i’m ND.Due to all this trauma and bullying I’ve built a shield of pride to make sure it doesn’t harm me anymore.With the scale i faced this was necessary for me not to kill myself,though I plan on later down the line of my life.My thirst for validation and to just be good enough has never been bigger.Every girl I meet I’m a blank slate,building myself up by mimicking their interests and personality,reciprocating everything they do.I feel I do that for everyone.Im sick,I’ve wanted to be normal for so long but it just isn’t working.I don’t think living is for me and I feel i’m a constant burden as i’m an outcast.I stopped caring about what women thought of me and more about men..Maybe that’s more about masculinity or maybe I’m gay..?I don’t know.But all my trauma has came from a woman and I didn’t have a father in the majority of my life so I would just rather be isolated and alone..Maybe that’s for the good.This summer I’m planning on roping as I’ve finished school.I don’t think there’s much left in the world and all I do is cause harm to those around me.Of course I’m not the man like ER to take people out around me as all I’ve done is wished to be a ghost,to never be seen in life.I think i fit in too well at school and got too much attention and that altered my mind because when you have so many eyes on you you have to perform,you have to stimulate that validation.I just wish i wasn’t born in the first place,being ‘normal’ in today’s society is too much of a hassle for me
A year into secondary my parents split.I always remember the arguing and the screaming and shouting,one time she screamed for me to come because my mum was acting like she was about to get hit but she didn’t and my dad just stormed out and said how could you do that.I didn’t really meddle with it.I never picked a side because my mum said my dad cheated on her and my dad said likewise,both tried winning me over with other stuff.My mum replaced her car and replaced the the locks and i was right in the middle of this all.I believe this to be the first important moment as I begun to isolate myself and break down,refining my masking to keep the reputation I had built in high school up,though i would dissapear every chance I got.After all that mess I was left in pieces because I didn’t have a clue about anything.This wasn’t the worst of it,my mum then started kicking me out the house on excuses like oh i’m just gonna host a party i’m gonna bring my friends around there’s stuff i don’t want you to see.The first few times i was oblivious and I would just wander the streets and always found myself at my grandmas house.After awhile i realised what my mum was doing,if you have read goodnight pun pun you’ll know this part when punpun gets kicked out by his mum and his mum was inviting men over while he was out.This was the cherry ontop to my mental break down where I went berserk on my mum and swore I hated her.All she could do was cry and apologise and say she won’t kick me out again.She stayed true to her word because she never kicked me out again but then she just stopped coming home.She never came home and was always out doing something but I never questioned it.So this left me in isolation and I felt so abandoned which I guess made me really depressed and I was like 13-14 at this time.This detached me from my family completely and to this day i don’t really talk to them or say anything,as my ability to have conversations is very bad and i don’t do small talk at all.I found out on holiday she was doing like OF n stuff which further increased my innate hatred for her and yeah.Growing up my family always made comments on my looks and Ill never forget they told me to just not smile when taking pictures because my smile ruined the photo.With all this isolation and abandonment,on my grandmas birthday we were going to a restaraunt and I got ready first and waited for them to get ready and for us to go
Everyone in my house left(2 cars) and it got until they got there for them to even remember me and ask where I was.With all that has happened to me I lost it and ran away from my house,I never looked back and I just kept running,crying as I ran.It seemed I wasn’t getting validation from anyone ever,they never noticed my presence and my masking I was performing at school was slipping as outside of school events was impacting me.I don’t know how I’ve went through the whole of the school year covering this up but many people in my year (girls) always make comments on how they think i’m ND.Due to all this trauma and bullying I’ve built a shield of pride to make sure it doesn’t harm me anymore.With the scale i faced this was necessary for me not to kill myself,though I plan on later down the line of my life.My thirst for validation and to just be good enough has never been bigger.Every girl I meet I’m a blank slate,building myself up by mimicking their interests and personality,reciprocating everything they do.I feel I do that for everyone.Im sick,I’ve wanted to be normal for so long but it just isn’t working.I don’t think living is for me and I feel i’m a constant burden as i’m an outcast.I stopped caring about what women thought of me and more about men..Maybe that’s more about masculinity or maybe I’m gay..?I don’t know.But all my trauma has came from a woman and I didn’t have a father in the majority of my life so I would just rather be isolated and alone..Maybe that’s for the good.This summer I’m planning on roping as I’ve finished school.I don’t think there’s much left in the world and all I do is cause harm to those around me.Of course I’m not the man like ER to take people out around me as all I’ve done is wished to be a ghost,to never be seen in life.I think i fit in too well at school and got too much attention and that altered my mind because when you have so many eyes on you you have to perform,you have to stimulate that validation.I just wish i wasn’t born in the first place,being ‘normal’ in today’s society is too much of a hassle for me
