toji.
Zephir
- Joined
- Oct 8, 2023
- Posts
- 1,815
- Reputation
- 2,229
A few weeks ago, I posted about a conflict regarding my past social relationships, and how those dynamics ,along with my poor handling of the situation back then, were eating away at me with guilt.
In short, six years ago, when I started preparing to enter college, I cut myself off from everything. I devoted my life to studying and to the stubborn determination to achieve the impossible. This way of operating has made me feel guilty to this day, mainly because I abandoned many people along the way.
Time passed. My college results weren’t what I’d hoped for, and I was on the verge of madness; I faced diagnosed episodes of depression and anxiety, presumably triggered by my idealistic delusions. I tried to alleviate that distress by seeking validation through sex and occasional outings.
It wasn’t until my senior year of college, after starting behavioral therapy and immersing myself in philosophical reading, that I managed to move forward. However, ever since that time, I’ve carried a deep sense of guilt for having hurt those I neglected during my freshman year.
This week I decided to write to them and reconnect with those people. Here I share the reflection (or the lesson) that this experience of closure left me with:
First of all, my first love has changed so much. I could sense in her a deep insecurity and an obvious lack of self-esteem; something that, deep down, I had hoped she had already overcome.
She was a beautiful woman when I met her. Now, faced with her inability to value herself, to grasp the scope of beauty and the complexity of the world( to understand that everything around us holds beauty) she has also lost her own worth.
She has become a woman with a vulgar appearance, an ordinary style, and mired in the mundane. She is someone I would never be with today; she attends a mediocre uni, despite having had a much better education than mine when we were children.
What am I getting at with all this?
At first, I felt guilty for having left everything behind, but perhaps I didn’t do such a bad thing. I have always sought and pursued what I believe I deserve; I have always loved and felt a deep appreciation for the beauty of the world. I believe that everything has its nuances and complexities, and for that very reason, I maintain that there is no limit to what human beings deserve. All men and women can desire and deserve everything, because opportunities exist and it is always possible to achieve those ideals, or at least come close to them. It depends entirely on oneself to decide what one deserves and to what extent; there is no external force that can control that will.
During our meeting, she asked me: “Don’t you get tired of thinking so much? I only think about silly things, like how the birds sing…”
I replied: “Is that really silly? The birdsong is beautiful. There is poetry and entire writers whose main subject is birds; any element can reveal its beauty and complexity.”
And the fact is, deep down, those who are incapable of deciphering the complexity of their surroundings, of finding beauty in things, will never be able to contemplate beauty within themselves. Ergo, they will also fail to value themselves, recognize their own merits, or set out in pursuit of impossible desires.
In life, one must recognize beauty through authenticity, out of self-respect, for the intrinsic pleasure that arises from within oneself. Seeking pleasure based on external factors is nothing more than an instrumentalization, an alienation from reality and from one’s own nature. Those who love only because others love, or to fit in with the crowd for reasons unrelated to their essence, live in a lie and in complete disconnection from themselves.
Love the world and all it has to offer; embrace the complexity of your tastes and your uniqueness; understand why you love what you love; and don’t feel bad about what you love, don’t feel ashamed, and don’t be afraid to love something even if other people hate it. Love because when you love something, you also love yourselves; when that happens, you will be able to love, to seek something that nourishes you, that brings you happiness, that brings you peace.
Experience the world not for its mundanity, not for humanity or for other people, but because it is home to things that are beautiful in and of themselves, and not because of other people’s designs.
In short, six years ago, when I started preparing to enter college, I cut myself off from everything. I devoted my life to studying and to the stubborn determination to achieve the impossible. This way of operating has made me feel guilty to this day, mainly because I abandoned many people along the way.
Time passed. My college results weren’t what I’d hoped for, and I was on the verge of madness; I faced diagnosed episodes of depression and anxiety, presumably triggered by my idealistic delusions. I tried to alleviate that distress by seeking validation through sex and occasional outings.
It wasn’t until my senior year of college, after starting behavioral therapy and immersing myself in philosophical reading, that I managed to move forward. However, ever since that time, I’ve carried a deep sense of guilt for having hurt those I neglected during my freshman year.
This week I decided to write to them and reconnect with those people. Here I share the reflection (or the lesson) that this experience of closure left me with:
First of all, my first love has changed so much. I could sense in her a deep insecurity and an obvious lack of self-esteem; something that, deep down, I had hoped she had already overcome.
She was a beautiful woman when I met her. Now, faced with her inability to value herself, to grasp the scope of beauty and the complexity of the world( to understand that everything around us holds beauty) she has also lost her own worth.
She has become a woman with a vulgar appearance, an ordinary style, and mired in the mundane. She is someone I would never be with today; she attends a mediocre uni, despite having had a much better education than mine when we were children.
What am I getting at with all this?
At first, I felt guilty for having left everything behind, but perhaps I didn’t do such a bad thing. I have always sought and pursued what I believe I deserve; I have always loved and felt a deep appreciation for the beauty of the world. I believe that everything has its nuances and complexities, and for that very reason, I maintain that there is no limit to what human beings deserve. All men and women can desire and deserve everything, because opportunities exist and it is always possible to achieve those ideals, or at least come close to them. It depends entirely on oneself to decide what one deserves and to what extent; there is no external force that can control that will.
During our meeting, she asked me: “Don’t you get tired of thinking so much? I only think about silly things, like how the birds sing…”
I replied: “Is that really silly? The birdsong is beautiful. There is poetry and entire writers whose main subject is birds; any element can reveal its beauty and complexity.”
And the fact is, deep down, those who are incapable of deciphering the complexity of their surroundings, of finding beauty in things, will never be able to contemplate beauty within themselves. Ergo, they will also fail to value themselves, recognize their own merits, or set out in pursuit of impossible desires.
In life, one must recognize beauty through authenticity, out of self-respect, for the intrinsic pleasure that arises from within oneself. Seeking pleasure based on external factors is nothing more than an instrumentalization, an alienation from reality and from one’s own nature. Those who love only because others love, or to fit in with the crowd for reasons unrelated to their essence, live in a lie and in complete disconnection from themselves.
Love the world and all it has to offer; embrace the complexity of your tastes and your uniqueness; understand why you love what you love; and don’t feel bad about what you love, don’t feel ashamed, and don’t be afraid to love something even if other people hate it. Love because when you love something, you also love yourselves; when that happens, you will be able to love, to seek something that nourishes you, that brings you happiness, that brings you peace.
Experience the world not for its mundanity, not for humanity or for other people, but because it is home to things that are beautiful in and of themselves, and not because of other people’s designs.
