Xangsane
jova
- Joined
- Jun 11, 2021
- Posts
- 132,187
- Reputation
- 108,441
Forum | The Female Dating Strategy
The Infamous Queens From Reddit. Dating Advice, Love Advice, Mating, Level Up, Celebrity gossip, Sex & Strategy,
www.thefemaledatingstrategy.com
My full dating and sexual history. I am so humiliated and demoralized from it all. (Long thread)
in Top Posts Today
Age 18: I lost my virginity to a man I met on a fringe site for social outcasts. I won't say which.
We talked for a year online before meeting in person. He'd buy me expensive gifts here and there (but not often. He definitely was no sugar daddy). That was the first time any guy has ever bought me anything expensive before. He was the first guy who ever called me beautiful or gorgeous before.
So, he flew from another state to finally meet me. He stayed with me at my mom's house for a week and a half.
Yet... when we met, he was not attracted to me. He could not keep an erection to me.
He was 22 and already balding, which I didn't even care about. I thought that if I accepted his physical flaws, he'd accept mine... I was wrong.
He would tell me to put makeup on, shave, lose weight, out of nowhere, in very abusive ways.
He was talking to other women/sex workers just a few weeks after he flew back to his state. He bought prostitutes with the money I lent him. He was very unfaithful and uninterested in me the entire time.
Age 19: I went back to that site, I don't know why. Maybe trying to re-traumatize myself. I met an online boyfriend from another continent who traveled on a plane to meet me, but I didn't show up. Part of me immensely regrets that. Another part of me understands I most likely did that because he was 14 years older than me, and I couldn't go through with it because I knew there'd be no real future between us. I was also insecure, I didn't think he'd accept me in person, and didn't want to repeat the same mistakes as last time. But I didn't really know that. I didn't know if we'd be compatible in person, and now we'll never know. Because I didn't show up. I did genuinely find him attractive and really liked him, despite saying otherwise at times. I don't know... I feel regret and pain for the most part. At the time, I went crazy over it. I self-harmed and tried to apologize, but he wasn't going to take me back no matter what after I stood him up. I only had the opportunity to meet him for one week which was lost forever. I couldn't just arrange for another meet since he was in another continent, so there was no way to make it up to him. It was permanently over between us with no chance of recovery.
During this time, ages 18-20, I did not get any male attention or men approaching me in real life, until...
Age 21ish: I was asked for my number by a guy in college. This was the first time a guy ever approached me like this. I thought, yes! Finally, I'm getting interest from REAL men in REAL LIFE! I met him at college, not a hate site, so it should turn out a bit better, right?
Since my self esteem was at rock bottom and I was very deprived of male attention (I am not an attractive woman), I practically threw myself at him. I had sex with him before even googling his name... and when I searched his name... it turned out that he's a criminal going to prison for the next few years. He was also bisexual.
In the entire time we "dated", he only took me on free/cheap dates. I feel so ripped off and scammed when I think about this. He never took me on a date that wasn't free or cheap, and even tried to get me to pay for my transportation once, which I refused to do so he paid it. It was very rare that we'd go on dates and I'd complain about it to him constantly.
He'd alternate between telling me that he's my boyfriend and he loves me (only when he needed something), and "we're not in a relationship" (whenever I needed/wanted something). Typical loser.
I've never experienced something like this before, and I was just so desperate to not be alone so I put up with it. I'd come up with lies in my head to make excuses for him. It wasn't like he was ashamed of me... he'd kiss me in public and I met his friends once, which I did not even like. I told myself this was better than nothing.
He refused to eat me out or rub my clit. This is one of my most HUMILIATING sexual experiences. I remember being SO sexually frustrated and livid. I remember angrily masturbating, rubbing my own clit as he slept next to me. I'd complain furiously to his face about him not eating me out or sexually satisfying me at all. One day I got so mad and yelled at him for not eating me out then I did some other things which I shouldn't talk about...
He wasn't even hot. He looked like a fat version of Caroline Ellison, for real. Could be his twin sister. He truly looked like an ugly fat woman (not even an ugly fat man, a WOMAN). No offense. I know I am ugly and fat myself, so that's why I had to settle for that trash. Because I am worthless. I am worth nothing so I'll eat trash out of the trashcan.
Anyway, as he was going to prison, he wanted me to say I was his girlfriend, write him a character reference, show up with him to court during his sentencing hearing to talk to the judge about how amazing he is, be there for him in his time of need... ha. Yeah right. I would never. He was a good for nothing loser who never added any value to my life, so no way in hell was I going to do that.
So he went to prison, I told him to rot there like the decaying garbage he is, and I never contacted him or saw him again.
It turned out that he was having sex with gay men this entire time. I got an STD test immediately. I was laughed at by the people administrating the STD test at the clinic (they asked why I was worried and why I was getting the test, I told them that I had sex with a man who had sex with multiple gay men. Looking back, they really shouldn't have asked that, but oh well.) Even the doctor smirked a bit and looked like they were holding back laughter when I told them this.
I was never so humiliated in my life.
Thankfully, I turned out 100% clean.
Age 21 still: The humiliations drove me slightly insane. I went BERSERK on dating apps and dating sites. I did nothing except swipe and try to talk to men off these apps. I'd wake up and start swiping on the apps, nonstop. I was even swiping in class *facepalm*! I'd be WALKING to classes and swiping incessantly. I'd be at work, swiping at my desk. I'd be on the toilet and swiping. Christ... it's so cringeworthy when I think about it. People saw me and avoided me because of it. Even my mom commented on it. I'd post personal dating ads and be trying to talk to all these different types of men. And oh god... the ghosting, the blocking, the unmatching, the ghosting, THE GHOSTING I experienced. So many men weren't even interested in meeting me at all. I don't know why, I guess being very off-putting combined with being unattractive isn't favorable when it comes to dating.
Eventually, I swiped right and matched with a very fat guy. I didn't mind his weight and still found him very attractive. I thought, I am fat but not as fat as him, so if I accept his weight, he will accept mine. He had to have been at least 450-500 pounds.
We went on a basic first date: dinner and a movie. I wanted to have sex with him immediately. I became infatuated with him just after one date and a few days of speaking to him. But I held back and stopped myself. That isn't the proper, lady-like way to date and would end in disaster.
So... naturally I waited until the second date to have sex with him. Sorry, I couldn't help myself. I got very drunk, we went to an arcade, I proceeded to get even more drunk, and I was making out with him and feeling him up as he was driving back to his place.
Things... did not turn out well. I tried to ride him, but I could not get him inside me. Let's just say it was unsuccessful. It was like an old woman with arthritis and bad eyesight trying to put a small thread through the tiny hole in a sewing needle.
That's not even the worst part... I can't actually talk about it, so I'll move on now...
We could not have sex. We never saw each other again, not by my choice.
Age 21 still pt 2: I went on a date with this 30 year old trucker. Dinner and a movie. Mid-scale, I guess. I don't know really. He kept talking about how he was being stalked by his ex. We couldn't have a good conversation. He was asking me questions about what I do with my life and I couldn't really answer him because at the time, I had dropped out of college and quit my job, so I had to come up with lies. It was very awkward and felt like a job interview.
I ordered a bunch of food. I basically spent the entire date chowing down on food. Then I ordered more food to go as the date was ending. I had so much food, I took home enough food to fill like 2 of those take-home containers. He walked me to my car and said goodnight.
I got ghosted.
Oh well, free food I guess? It still hurt a bit to get ghosted, but whatever. Nothing lost, nothing gained. Except those chocolate cake slices and sushi, I guess.
Age 22: By a saving grace, I met my first "real" boyfriend online. Sort of.
He lived in another state. We talked for about 4 days, he got on a bus to be with me in my state, then we met up and had sex in a cheap hotel within 5 minutes of being together in person. Then we went on a bunch of dates at a nearby movie theater, arcade, and diner.
We ended up living together in my mom's house for 7 months.
It was not glamorous. He refused to get a job and would pee in bottles then leave those pee bottles in my closet.
He didn't want to start a life or have kids with me.
I kept trying to dump him, but he'd threaten suicide or homelessness if I did, so our relationship was prolonged longer than it should have been. I never felt so trapped in my life.
Eventually I was able to dump him and send him back from whence he came. When he finally left, I kept replaying that video "free at last, free at last, thank god almighty, we are free at last!" and spread out on my bed with full space and freedom.
Embarrassingly though, last year I got a bit desperate and contacted him again. I don't know what got into me (well, actually... I do know what: it's my lack of current options). I wanted to get back together with him, but he blocked me on everything and refuses to speak to me again. The last time I contacted him was... 2 days ago. I was very drunk. He did not respond.
He was the last man I dated or had sex with.
I haven't dated or had sex since. That was almost 4 years ago.
Well... now I'm ready to enter the dating world again. But I feel so hopeless. I know I need to lose weight. Though... I feel like I can't recover from these awful experiences. Like... is it as bad as I'm making it out to be? I've never had a man value me. How can I walk around like if I'm a valuable woman when no man has ever found me valuable? I feel like I won't be able to recover. My self worth is non-existent. I don't feel like I can interact with men, not even platonically, despite having "male-dominated" interests. They always hate me and find me unattractive.
I don't even know where to start. Dating apps? No way. I don't know where or how to meet men in a natural and healthy way.
Ehh... that's my confession I guess. My full dating and sexual experiences. I am 26 now... terrified of turning 30. I want children in this lifetime and scared that I'll never have them. That's the pick-me part of me I can't shake off.
Don't know what's next.
