T
theblackestofpills
Banned
- Joined
- Dec 23, 2022
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Being autistic is freaking painful.
It's almost like we make such a big deal about very small things. Like for example I make such a big deal about how I fall half a cm below 6'1 at the end of the day. I'm 187 cm in the morning and 185 cm at night. So I'm like 6'0.8 at night. So I just claim 6'0 as it still had the 6'0. I can't feel happy until I'm a full on 6'1 guy.
What would make it even worse is if I am actually 1 or 2 mm shorter than what I measured which I'm certain I'm not as I've measured very accurately. My world would kinda come crashing down as my ego is set so high on things like my height.
The constant ruminating in my head over and over again is driving me insane. I really need to stop giving a fuck about all this shit man but it's like my autistic mind is so attached to it and so fixated on it. My autistic mind is more brutal than you guys will ever be to me as I'm constantly pessimistic (seeing the worst in all aspect of life). It's almost as if seeing the worst of things is most often than not the most accurate view point.
I suppose being above 20 percent body fat doesn't help one bit but I'm so harsh on myself mentally.
Right now I can barely go out without feeling like shit and then coming home to ruminate about the fact that I haven't got teenage love or anything like that. And then also ruminating a lot about the damage I've done by living an extremely sedentary lifestyle. A lot of this is so brutal and no way I would be ruminating like this if it wasn't for my autism or for shitty situations I'm in.
I'm not even joking when I say this, I'd rather be a htn who doesn't have autism and body dysmorphia than a chad who has autism and body dysmorphia along with ruminations. It will totally bring a man down to his very knees. It's one of the most torturous, self inflicting mental pain one can experience.
I've always been somewhat of a homicidal thinker but this really aggravates it to the point where going ER isnt really a hard thing to do. Not necessarily wanting it to go that way as I see somewhat of a potential but there is a very thin line for me there.
I just hope I can come out of this okay but I doubt it as autism can be a real prison of the mind.
It's almost like we make such a big deal about very small things. Like for example I make such a big deal about how I fall half a cm below 6'1 at the end of the day. I'm 187 cm in the morning and 185 cm at night. So I'm like 6'0.8 at night. So I just claim 6'0 as it still had the 6'0. I can't feel happy until I'm a full on 6'1 guy.
What would make it even worse is if I am actually 1 or 2 mm shorter than what I measured which I'm certain I'm not as I've measured very accurately. My world would kinda come crashing down as my ego is set so high on things like my height.
The constant ruminating in my head over and over again is driving me insane. I really need to stop giving a fuck about all this shit man but it's like my autistic mind is so attached to it and so fixated on it. My autistic mind is more brutal than you guys will ever be to me as I'm constantly pessimistic (seeing the worst in all aspect of life). It's almost as if seeing the worst of things is most often than not the most accurate view point.
I suppose being above 20 percent body fat doesn't help one bit but I'm so harsh on myself mentally.
Right now I can barely go out without feeling like shit and then coming home to ruminate about the fact that I haven't got teenage love or anything like that. And then also ruminating a lot about the damage I've done by living an extremely sedentary lifestyle. A lot of this is so brutal and no way I would be ruminating like this if it wasn't for my autism or for shitty situations I'm in.
I'm not even joking when I say this, I'd rather be a htn who doesn't have autism and body dysmorphia than a chad who has autism and body dysmorphia along with ruminations. It will totally bring a man down to his very knees. It's one of the most torturous, self inflicting mental pain one can experience.
I've always been somewhat of a homicidal thinker but this really aggravates it to the point where going ER isnt really a hard thing to do. Not necessarily wanting it to go that way as I see somewhat of a potential but there is a very thin line for me there.
I just hope I can come out of this okay but I doubt it as autism can be a real prison of the mind.
