Boyfriend (25M) uses a cold, harsh, snappy, and VERY condescending tone of voice and completely denies it

[Deleted member 6403]

This is a huge issue that has been happening for years. It’s like all love leaves his body when challenged in ANY way and his tone of voice and responses become harsh, short, snarky, very condescending.
For example if I (23F) interrupt him in conversation he will abruptly say “IM talking so IM going to finish talking” in the most ice cold tone of voice, like I’m a child, and then just continues conversation like it didn’t happen.
Another example, if I say “Hey babe tomorrow we need to clean up the house a little” he will say in a snarky voice “Well it’s not tomorrow yet so why are you talking about it now?”
When I bring it up he says I’m being picky and manipulative... But I’ve been asking this man to speak nicely to me for 6+ years. I constantly feel like I’m walking on eggshells. He is very reactive and it’s hard to have normal conversations. It’s hard to ask for help with things.
Edit: I’m still processing but I wanted to say thank you everyone SO much, like for real you are all amazing and I love you.

 

[Deleted member 6403]

This is a huge issue that has been happening for years. It’s like all love leaves his body when challenged in ANY way and his tone of voice and responses become harsh, short, snarky, very condescending.
For example if I (23F) interrupt him in conversation he will abruptly say “IM talking so IM going to finish talking” in the most ice cold tone of voice, like I’m a child, and then just continues conversation like it didn’t happen.
Another example, if I say “Hey babe tomorrow we need to clean up the house a little” he will say in a snarky voice “Well it’s not tomorrow yet so why are you talking about it now?”
When I bring it up he says I’m being picky and manipulative... But I’ve been asking this man to speak nicely to me for 6+ years. I constantly feel like I’m walking on eggshells. He is very reactive and it’s hard to have normal conversations. It’s hard to ask for help with things.
Edit: I’m still processing but I wanted to say thank you everyone SO much, like for real you are all amazing and I love you.

When you've been asking someone to do something for six years with no change, they're not going to change. He doesn't even see a problem with it.
Do you want to spend your life walking on eggshells with someone you can't talk to, who sees nothing wrong with treating you this way? I wouldn't. Your partner should be a source of comfort, not anxiety. Your partner should show with his behavior that he loves, values, and respects you.

 

[Deleted member 6403]

When you've been asking someone to do something for six years with no change, they're not going to change. He doesn't even see a problem with it.
Do you want to spend your life walking on eggshells with someone you can't talk to, who sees nothing wrong with treating you this way? I wouldn't. Your partner should be a source of comfort, not anxiety. Your partner should show with his behavior that he loves, values, and respects you.

Spending the rest of my life feeling the way I do now is a huge fear of mine. Thank you

 

[Deleted member 6403]

Spending the rest of my life feeling the way I do now is a huge fear of mine. Thank you

I was once in a position where I was having a big problem in my relationship, where my partner's behavior (while not mean or abusive or even intentional) was making me feel bad. And I remember realizing that I simply could not spend my life feeling that way, and it was actually a relief to suddenly have that clarity - it was no longer a choice about whether to try to live with the situation, because as bad as breaking up would be, staying in that situation forever was simply not an option. It needed to change or I needed to leave.

 

[Deleted member 6403]

I was once in a position where I was having a big problem in my relationship, where my partner's behavior (while not mean or abusive or even intentional) was making me feel bad. And I remember realizing that I simply could not spend my life feeling that way, and it was actually a relief to suddenly have that clarity - it was no longer a choice about whether to try to live with the situation, because as bad as breaking up would be, staying in that situation forever was simply not an option. It needed to change or I needed to leave.

I feel this. Some things are so ingrained in the other person, it’s not even worth trying to change something that is just a part of the way they are. Thinking of ending things is scary because I have to completely reframe how I see my future and accept that this person won’t be by my side forever, won’t be the father of my kids. It’s hard to wrap your head around that after for so long believing 100% that this person is the one. I agree with what you said, that it stops being worth it when you realize that every other day is another case of feeling bad.
Thank you!!

 

[Deleted member 6403]

I feel this. Some things are so ingrained in the other person, it’s not even worth trying to change something that is just a part of the way they are. Thinking of ending things is scary because I have to completely reframe how I see my future and accept that this person won’t be by my side forever, won’t be the father of my kids. It’s hard to wrap your head around that after for so long believing 100% that this person is the one. I agree with what you said, that it stops being worth it when you realize that every other day is another case of feeling bad.
Thank you!!

I was in a very similar situation - married young and I spent so many years wondering why he just couldn't be nice to me. We were in love, right?
It was really difficult to wrap my head around leaving and having to start over. It felt like a failure.
It took things getting bad enough that I realized being alone would have me feeling better than I ever felt with him.
It's scary but it is worth it. Ten years later and I'm building a life with someone who always speaks to me with love, even when we disagree.
Trust that you're worth better than this!

 

[BradAniston]

When you've been asking someone to do something for six years with no change, they're not going to change. He doesn't even see a problem with it.
Do you want to spend your life walking on eggshells with someone you can't talk to, who sees nothing wrong with treating you this way? I wouldn't. Your partner should be a source of comfort, not anxiety. Your partner should show with his behavior that he loves, values, and respects you.

 

[Deleted member 6403]

I was in a very similar situation - married young and I spent so many years wondering why he just couldn't be nice to me. We were in love, right?
It was really difficult to wrap my head around leaving and having to start over. It felt like a failure.
It took things getting bad enough that I realized being alone would have me feeling better than I ever felt with him.
It's scary but it is worth it. Ten years later and I'm building a life with someone who always speaks to me with love, even when we disagree.
Trust that you're worth better than this!

This gave me chills and is very inspiring. So happy things worked out for you. Thanks for sharing that with me

 

[Deleted member 6403]

This gave me chills and is very inspiring. So happy things worked out for you. Thanks for sharing that with me

I'm not sure if this applies to you or not, but part of what made it so hard to cut and run was the love bombing afterwards/periodically. Tricked me into thinking the relationship MUST be worth fighting for.
But that over the top lovey dovey stuff happened less and less over the years until it was just either neutral or mean.
I wish you the best!

 

[Deleted member 6403]

I remember I was driving in the car with my then spouse and he said, "How crazy is it to have a 50 year anniversary? I'm so excited to live my whole life with you." And he held my hand.
When he said that, a feeling of dread just came over me and I felt fear at the thought of living with him for that long.
He was like your bf, but much worse. The insults, the emotional roller coasters, the anger and blaming me for everything, the laziness, the addictions that cost us so much money.
I was also walking on egg shells, and so miserable. I left him 4 months ago. A huge weight came off my shoulders the day I left, and I was allowed to have my hopes and dreams again.
We have a toddler together, so I have to see him sometimes. But its still better than living with him and being his personal punching bag.
Best of all, there's the hope that I'll meet someone someday that is kind and loving, and will be a good husband and father.
You can get there too. Don't settle or feel like you're stuck. I felt like I was stuck, too. And I stayed longer than I should have. Dont stay. It doesn't get better, it gets worse.
Choose to be happy.

 

[MedMaxxing]

are you ok

 

[Deleted member 6403]

It sounds like he's a narcissist. The problem with people like that is that they don't see the problem, and instead they will shift the blame to you. You're making it up. You're crazy. You're wrong. I heard a lot of that from my dad growing up. After 19 years my mother finally left him. She realized she was almost 40, and she didn't want to live that way for the rest of her life. You have a chance to end the abuse now. Please think about this very seriously. You shouldn't have to ask your loved one to be nice. My husband and I have been together for 21 years, and even when we argue we aren't mean to each other. There have been a couple of very rare occasions when he said something or used a tone that was unacceptable to me. I quickly told him not to speak to me that way, and he immediately apologized. Seriously, I think it maybe happened once or twice in 21 years. Find someone who is kind and respects you. This man does not respect you if he speaks to you this way.

 

[Taylorswift]

NOOOO NOT MY HECKING KWEEN BEING VIOLATED BY A HECKIN BAD STRANGERINO

 

[Deleted member 6403]

It sounds like he's a narcissist. The problem with people like that is that they don't see the problem, and instead they will shift the blame to you. You're making it up. You're crazy. You're wrong. I heard a lot of that from my dad growing up. After 19 years my mother finally left him. She realized she was almost 40, and she didn't want to live that way for the rest of her life. You have a chance to end the abuse now. Please think about this very seriously. You shouldn't have to ask your loved one to be nice. My husband and I have been together for 21 years, and even when we argue we aren't mean to each other. There have been a couple of very rare occasions when he said something or used a tone that was unacceptable to me. I quickly told him not to speak to me that way, and he immediately apologized. Seriously, I think it maybe happened once or twice in 21 years. Find someone who is kind and respects you. This man does not respect you if he speaks to you this way.

And don’t tell him you’ll leave tomorrow because he obviously doesn’t care about it.
My best guess is that you need to plan your escape, leave and then tell him.
“I left you today. Have a nice tomorrow.”

 

[Deleted member 6403]

are you ok

 

[Deleted member 6403]

He knows he is treating you like crap and continues to do so. Why are you allowing this?

 

[Tusseleif]

Break up with that weirdo abuser molester pedophile cheating angry boyfriend! You go girl!

 

[Gazzamogga]

dn rd but mirin this guys gaslighting

 

[Deleted member 6403]

He knows he is treating you like crap and continues to do so. Why are you allowing this?

Thanks, I guess I have been hopeful waiting for change because things have gotten better over the years. And part of me wonders if I am too sensitive too dramatic or playing the victim role too much? It’s like I know that’s not the case but those feelings do show up and make me question myself at times

 

[Deleted member 6403]

Thanks, I guess I have been hopeful waiting for change because things have gotten better over the years. And part of me wonders if I am too sensitive too dramatic or playing the victim role too much? It’s like I know that’s not the case but those feelings do show up and make me question myself at times

That sounds like you are repeating what he tells you about yourself.
Feeling like you're walking on eggshells is a sure indicator of emotional abuse. Look up emotionally abusive relationships and see if you recognise your own relationship. You might be surprised.

 

[Deleted member 6403]

That sounds like you are repeating what he tells you about yourself.
Feeling like you're walking on eggshells is a sure indicator of emotional abuse. Look up emotionally abusive relationships and see if you recognise your own relationship. You might be surprised.

Yup. He's got her brainwashed into thinking that it's all her fault. Classic narcissism.

 

[Deleted member 6403]

The thing is it doesn't matter is you are more sensitive. In my case, I am waaays more sensitive than my partner but he knows and understands when I ask him to please don't say this or that because I find it hurtful. And he understands and is more careful next time or tells me, "hey I didn't mean it like that, I'm so sorry ". In your situation, he doesn't even care if he hurts you and wants you to just deal with it, sounds like he doesn't care at all about your feelings.

 

[Deleted member 6403]

I feel like this comes from a lack of respect for you and carelessness for the things you have to say. You should not feel like you’re walking on eggshells and he shouldn’t be acting like a child. You shouldn’t have to ask/beg someone to be kind to you or hear you out. It’s also very disheartening to hear he calls you manipulative for trying to communicate with him about a serious issue you have. Have you thought about this being a deal breaker in your relationship? I’m sure he would not appreciate this if it were him. I would consider weighing your options, kindness from your partner is important and absolutely necessary. Do you want to continue this way forever? I wish you the best of luck!

 

[Deleted member 6403]

I feel like this comes from a lack of respect for you and carelessness for the things you have to say. You should not feel like you’re walking on eggshells and he shouldn’t be acting like a child. You shouldn’t have to ask/beg someone to be kind to you or hear you out. It’s also very disheartening to hear he calls you manipulative for trying to communicate with him about a serious issue you have. Have you thought about this being a deal breaker in your relationship? I’m sure he would not appreciate this if it were him. I would consider weighing your options, kindness from your partner is important and absolutely necessary. Do you want to continue this way forever? I wish you the best of luck!

I definitely think about if this is the right person for me every single day, it’s 100% a deal breaker especially because I planned to have kids with this person some day. I have been waiting years for change, and while things have gotten better than they used to be, I feel like at this time I am processing our eventual separation. Thank you

 

[Deleted member 6403]

I definitely think about if this is the right person for me every single day, it’s 100% a deal breaker especially because I planned to have kids with this person some day. I have been waiting years for change, and while things have gotten better than they used to be, I feel like at this time I am processing our eventual separation. Thank you

I stayed five years in a similar situation. Eventually I realized that I was losing respect for myself by continually apologizing to my family and friends for my ex's behaviours and constantly making excuses that he was getting better (he wasn't).
Once I left, I felt like a huge burden had been taken off my back. All in all, my ex wasn't a bad guy, but he had a mean streak that he didn't have a problem with, but I did. And that was enough to make us incompatible.
Im now married to a wonderful husband who is kind and compassionate. I couldn't be happier!
It's hard for us to understand 6 years of a relationship in a paragraph, but if our situations are similar don't feel compelled to stay together just because you've been through a lot together. I hope everything works out.

 

[Deleted member 6403]

I stayed five years in a similar situation. Eventually I realized that I was losing respect for myself by continually apologizing to my family and friends for my ex's behaviours and constantly making excuses that he was getting better (he wasn't).
Once I left, I felt like a huge burden had been taken off my back. All in all, my ex wasn't a bad guy, but he had a mean streak that he didn't have a problem with, but I did. And that was enough to make us incompatible.
Im now married to a wonderful husband who is kind and compassionate. I couldn't be happier!
It's hard for us to understand 6 years of a relationship in a paragraph, but if our situations are similar don't feel compelled to stay together just because you've been through a lot together. I hope everything works out.

“Don’t feel compelled to stay together just because you’ve been through a lot together.” THIS. Thank you so much

 

[Deleted member 6403]

“Don’t feel compelled to stay together just because you’ve been through a lot together.” THIS. Thank you so much

If you ever want to chat more just pm me. Make sure you take care of yourself.

 

[lutte]

mirin postmaxxing

 

[BradAniston]

Gonna get perma for spamming stop and link

 

[Bewusst]

r/relationship_advice

 

[Deleted member 5891]

Another abused dog
Shows you can do everything if you are her first and good looking

JFL 6 years...

 

[GymcelDoomer]

"Another example, if I say “Hey babe tomorrow we need to clean up the house a little” he will say in a snarky voice “Well it’s not tomorrow yet so why are you talking about it now?”

He's right, bitch. Why tf you pestering him about unimportant shit jfl there's literally no reason to share this info with him

 

[Deleted member 4887]

Dump him hun xx you can do better praying for your recovery