iblamemandible7
ORG RUINER
- Joined
- Dec 28, 2024
- Posts
- 4,186
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Being born truly genetically unfortunate is the most blackpilled experience ever
I was born with a lazy eye + syndrome tier vision + just ugly in general, botched facial ratios + sfs + extreme face fat, and being like this has fully shaped the loser who I am today, Im convinced that even things I experienced before I gained consciousness also still effect me deep in my subconscious. When I was little I used to cry seeing pictures of myself that didn't line up with how I thought of myself. I tried to pretend that I looked fine, but the illusion was shattered every time I had to see myself.
ND/mental illness also runs in the family, so not only did it get worse through my development by being like this, it was already predetermined as well
Few understand how it feels to hate mirrors for as long as you can remember, Ive had a fear of mirrors and reflections since I could recognize how ugly I am as a small child, all of this damage over the years feels unsalvageable. Theres probably some difficult, elaborate, painful way out of this, but Im too tired. I fucking hate every aspect of myself, I fucking hate how I look, fucking hate how I act, fucking hate what Im known as, and Im so used to fucking hating myself that it's just my way of life at this point, it's so deeply ingrained into me I think that hating myself is the only constant I feel through my life. I sabotage myself over and over again now on purpose to maintain being something I hate, because it's all I know
My life now is completely ruined, life is a butterfly effect, just yesterday I was a 5 year old with a loud personality, happy, running around and playing, then I started experiencing lookism for the first time, fast forward 12 years of this prejudice and all of these preconceived notions, so many judgements by everyone around me, over and over and over again day in and day out, and Ive transformed into something unrecognizable, grotesque and pathetic to my old "self", or at least who I used to be, (I don't know because I've never been able to know who I am), and hit new lows every day. I feel like dead and people around me are just pretending Im alive to go along with this big delusion
Everyone told me to be a victim from their treatment and now Im surprised that I am one, I am exactly who they expected me to be, and what I was the most afraid of becoming. Why did I think I would be an exception, especially when Im such a self defeating person?
Why do I care so much about making my life better, but make no effort, and why do I not care at all?
Despite all of this, I feel a deeply human instinct to actually try every once in a while, but the sheer amount of hurdles I have to overcome builds up every day and becomes more impossible the more I run away from it, I should know since ive been doing this for my entire life. The farther I get the more discourage I become
Im scared to see who I will be next year
Does anyone else here truly feel this way, and how do you feel about it ?
I was born with a lazy eye + syndrome tier vision + just ugly in general, botched facial ratios + sfs + extreme face fat, and being like this has fully shaped the loser who I am today, Im convinced that even things I experienced before I gained consciousness also still effect me deep in my subconscious. When I was little I used to cry seeing pictures of myself that didn't line up with how I thought of myself. I tried to pretend that I looked fine, but the illusion was shattered every time I had to see myself.
ND/mental illness also runs in the family, so not only did it get worse through my development by being like this, it was already predetermined as well
Few understand how it feels to hate mirrors for as long as you can remember, Ive had a fear of mirrors and reflections since I could recognize how ugly I am as a small child, all of this damage over the years feels unsalvageable. Theres probably some difficult, elaborate, painful way out of this, but Im too tired. I fucking hate every aspect of myself, I fucking hate how I look, fucking hate how I act, fucking hate what Im known as, and Im so used to fucking hating myself that it's just my way of life at this point, it's so deeply ingrained into me I think that hating myself is the only constant I feel through my life. I sabotage myself over and over again now on purpose to maintain being something I hate, because it's all I know
My life now is completely ruined, life is a butterfly effect, just yesterday I was a 5 year old with a loud personality, happy, running around and playing, then I started experiencing lookism for the first time, fast forward 12 years of this prejudice and all of these preconceived notions, so many judgements by everyone around me, over and over and over again day in and day out, and Ive transformed into something unrecognizable, grotesque and pathetic to my old "self", or at least who I used to be, (I don't know because I've never been able to know who I am), and hit new lows every day. I feel like dead and people around me are just pretending Im alive to go along with this big delusion
Everyone told me to be a victim from their treatment and now Im surprised that I am one, I am exactly who they expected me to be, and what I was the most afraid of becoming. Why did I think I would be an exception, especially when Im such a self defeating person?
Why do I care so much about making my life better, but make no effort, and why do I not care at all?
Despite all of this, I feel a deeply human instinct to actually try every once in a while, but the sheer amount of hurdles I have to overcome builds up every day and becomes more impossible the more I run away from it, I should know since ive been doing this for my entire life. The farther I get the more discourage I become
Im scared to see who I will be next year
Does anyone else here truly feel this way, and how do you feel about it ?
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