C
crossed star
Silver
- Joined
- Jan 20, 2025
- Posts
- 702
- Reputation
- 327
my family keep forcing me to eat at fucking morning when i feel like dying waking up, i feel no reason to live it hurts to live, waking up like that feels like dying, they force me like that cause they dont know what i feel, when i wake up when i was still studying, i forget most of the things i lived that time, cause just waking up feels like dying. am so fed up and angry at them for waking me up at morning, if i didnt born at this family and still have this mentall illness, if i got born at a stupid family, i prob kill my parents and myself. i mean my parents is still stupid but not as stupid as the average family that always argues, always have problems, and really stupid. my parents is tolerable even if they dont remember what they say to me when they get mad, when my dad say to me that i should just kill myself cause we are at the restaurant and am so ashamed myself, am so ashamed of my face that i cant remove my facemask, removing my facemask where everyone can see me feels like baring laid my self, my insecurity and shame, it feels like being naked in front of them, like your shameful body fully shown to them and them being able to see it, biting food in front of them feels so ugly, i feel so ugly biting food while people looking at me and my parents dont know what i feel and just get pissed at me saying i should just die at restourant shouting at me. i thought to myself that time that i will just kill myself at home but i just calmed down afterwards, but i will not forget their words to me whenever they get angry at me where they cant think, and say they want me to love them when they cant even remember hurtful words they said to me that they dont even remember like nothing to them and saying to me things like am the wrong one for not loving them and them doing all things to make me better lmao, i really hate them being so stupid, and i hate myself for not being able to think enough to understand that they are stupid, i have a mental illness, and they get angry for me for answering to their stupid arguments and reply to me like i should understand you for being stupid when am mentally ill, man i cant do it like before, i just wish am not mentally ill anymore so i can think and be able to understand how stupid they are and not get angry at them trying to understand me and say i understand you when they say other things, i dont want to make them understand it either cause if i say my weakness to them, if i say to them that i dont have a reason to live, i want to escape everything, they will say to me that its just a reason of mine to lock myself at my room, its just a reason to not go to school, its just a reason to not go help at house and be worthless, cause they cant fanthom what i feel how much i feel, if they really said that its just a reason i might really kill myself, they are belittling what i feel cause they dont know how much i forget everything every thought i cant even think cause if i think i remember something and remembering things hurts. they want me to say my weakness to them when they cant even control themselves, their emotion, to forget what they said, its just like when you just wake up, and irritated, you dont realize the hurtful things you say to others, thats like the mental state they are whenever they say those things thats why they cant remember it? am not sure. you cant even control yourself to not remember the hurtful things you said to me and you want me to say my weakness to you lmao, you said to me who parent will say their kids weakness to their kids to blackmail them, its you, you dont remember it and you want me to say it to you, when you cant even control your emotion. i want to be better,i want to be better from this mental illness so i wont have to feel and experience this things.
