NateJacobs
At the mercy of God, Jesus Christ Gods lonely teen
- Joined
- Jun 11, 2023
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Even my mom said it didn't feel like Christmas this year; we had no tree up. She did not even bother to ask me if I wanted anything for Christmas, and I did not expect to get anything at all but she did get me a nice bracelt that i cant wear cuz its too big and i got some money and candy. Thankful for it but yeah im here rotting shes in the kitchen playing Christmas music alone making food my brother is just sleeping, and im in my room door close and all.
We never eat at the table either during any holidays and she justs eats there at the table alone and i do feel bad am trying not to tear up cuz im trying to not cry again but its ruff. I talk to my brother for maybe a total of a minute each week im not joking. My mom maybe more since shes extroverted which idk how shes so extroverted and im the most quiet shy abused dog but the extrovertedness has kinda been beaten out of me a little bit but at more core i have always been introverted.
This time of year is always brutal for me i am usually sad and or cry during christmas eve/day. Last year i got who i thought at the time was the loml and onetis for a year and i still cried in my room alone while my brother was sleeping and my mom was at work. Brutal innit. This year im not gonna cry im still sad and feel like shit a bit but its not that bad for my standards.
And if anybody is wondering, my mom has pretty much destroyed our relationship years and years ago. Not joking, since i was 13 (2019-2020) i have been waiting for the day i turn 18 so i could just move out and leave. Ive been 18 for a while and am to broke to move out but even if i had the money idk if i would. Unfortunately, i have too much empathy and don't want to completely disappear and abandon my mom but she is a horrible liar. I have not said i love you to my mom, maybe since elemantary school. I am horrible at showing affection, but even if I wasn't, i would not be saying i love you to her or my brother because i do not think i do or at least i know i do not love my brother he annoys me alot and is just a bad kid. Smokes lies, causes problems for everybody, has horrible behavioral problems which my mom has not been able to fix. No meds can fix behavioral problems caused by bad parenting and a little shit getting whatever he wants.
I was made fun of by them including my older brother before he moved out(yes im a middle child) all throught my elementary days. It was only once i started self-isolating more did this pretty much vanish and once my older brother moved out too. I liked my older brother but hes also a retard but he always wanted me to be better than him and to do better for myself even when i was a kid. Grateful for that fs. i definetly would have benefited from a father figure or having MY DAD AROUND. But im kinda glad he didn;t because at best i would probably just be a normie guy, get a mid wife or maybe even a gl one but end up getting cucked because i would never get blackpilled and maybe not even redpilled. Probably would accept more bs from women and not be able to leverage my looks as i do now since i know I can do whatever the fuck I want when a girl knows I look better than her and I know it too. Even better when her friends remind her about it then I really can do whatever the fuck I want with her.
Brutal time of year its more uncomfortable than sad, but its still depressing. I literally have felt like shit for the last 4 Christmases. It uncomfortable when i get gifts from my mom saying she loves me and shit cuz i do not like expressing that type of shit at all. I do want to but mainly with a women i love and my own kids. She just sits alone at the table eating and i feel bad and i should feel a little bad but shes done too much to me for me to feel THAT bad. Honestly its all just "Grudges" from my elemantary and middle school days i guess cuz its not bad at all these days. Its annoying she annoys me alot but not really making fun or anyting. But its far too late it will NEVER be the same its forever fucked from my end and it takes two to tango.
OVER
NATE
