Chronic feelings of unworthiness (20yr old guy)

[suicidemonkey]

An abused dogs who struggle with this? These behaviours have consumed my life, but apparently they're common for abused dogs. It's almost like I get some kind of "kick" out of behaving like al piece of shit. (This was all written by ChatGPT) The idea is that the behaviour basically confirms negative beliefs about yourself, so you keep yourself in this cycle of low self-esteem.

- Procrastination (avoiding effort to avoid failure)
- Substance abuse (numbing shame or reinforcing worthlessness)
- Self-isolation (rejecting others before being rejected)
- Engaging in toxic relationships (confirming unworthiness)
- Deliberate underperformance (fear of success or imposter syndrome)

Toxic shame, chronic low self esteem. Normal people in real life do not willingly sabotage themselves

 

[Gengar]

Procrastination: check.
Substance abuse: 404
Self-isolation: check
Engaging in toxic relations: 404
Deliberate underperformance: undecided.

 

[suicidemonkey]

Procrastination: check.
Substance abuse: 404
Self-isolation: check
Engaging in toxic relations: 404
Deliberate underperformance: undecided.

I fucked up and binge ate again last night, I'd gone 6 days without a binge. 1000 calories over maintenance, so I gained 0.1kg of fat approximately.

I've been trying to stretch them out, dude I tried sitting down to concentrate on studying but I just drove down to the supermarket and bought this huge bag of licorice (I ate like 2/3 of this bag, thank God it was not worse). This type of shit embarrasses the fuck out of me, most people would think this is pathetic and that I am a loser.

I would have continued studying but I felt like I already failed, I notice this happens a lot. I make one mistake and just throw the day away.

 

[Gengar]

I fucked up and binge ate again last night, I'd gone 6 days without a binge. 1000 calories over maintenance, so I gained 0.1kg of fat approximately.

I've been trying to stretch them out, dude I tried sitting down to concentrate on studying but I just drove down to the supermarket and bought this huge bag of licorice (I ate like 2/3 of this bag, thank God it was not worse). This type of shit embarrasses the fuck out of me, most people would think this is pathetic and that I am a loser.

I would have continued studying but I felt like I already failed, I notice this happens a lot. I make one mistake and just throw the day away.

Are you a college dropout like me?

 

[suicidemonkey]

Are you a college dropout like me?

I'm currently taking a teaching course, a diploma.

The work itself is extremely easy, and there's all these hot girls in the class. There's also a shit load of these collaborative tasks.

In theory I should be fine with it, but I can't imagine anything worse than having to work as a teacher full time. I don't rly belong in this course, I am intelligent and I don't rly like walking around feeling pressured to constanlty fix my situation.

 

[Gengar]

I'm currently taking a teaching course, a diploma.

The work itself is extremely easy, and there's all these hot girls in the class. There's also a shit load of these collaborative tasks.

In theory I should be fine with it, but I can't imagine anything worse than having to work as a teacher full time. I don't rly belong in this course, I am intelligent and I don't rly like walking around feeling pressured to constanlty fix my situation.

You want to be a teacher? What field? You can also just work part-time instead of full-time. If I were you, I'd go to some East Asian country like China or Japan to teach, if you're from an English-speaking country or you look white, then you can easily land a job there provided you've got a degree.

 

[suicidemonkey]

You want to be a teacher? What field? You can also just work part-time instead of full-time. If I were you, I'd go to some East Asian country like China or Japan to teach, if you're from an English-speaking country or you look white, then you can easily land a job there provided you've got a degree.

I was thinking of a career in data analytics or something like that, that's why I said I gotta get my shit together.

Your idea is actually kind of cool though, never heard of that.

 

[Gengar]

I was thinking of a career in data analytics or something like that, that's why I said I gotta get my shit together.

Your idea is actually kind of cool though, never heard of that.

If I was white or from an English-speaking country then I would have done that. Surprised you've not heard about it before because it's actually pretty dang common. However a few years ago, especially in the 2000s and 2010s, you didn't need a degree. You could just land a job by being white or being from America or whatever. You didn't need any credentials. But in recent years they've sharpened it up quite a bit and now they ask for a teaching degree as well.

 

[Elias144]

Yes I'm in the same boat but 23. I genuinely don't know how I ended up this way the only real explanation is genetics. I have been this way for as long as I can remember even as a small child, except its gotten progressively worse with age.

• Procrastination: Yes, I procrastinate even doing things I "want" to do. I have a tendency to simply do nothing.
• Substance abuse: Yes, I rely on substances heavily. I haven't gone a full day without some kind of psychoactive substance in at least two years. Without the artificial feeling of fulfillment provided by substances I'll feel shame regarding my entire existence to the point where I can't think about anything other than suicide.
• Self-isolation: Yes, in high school and college I was invited to parties and girls expressed interest in me. I rejected all out of insecurity/fear. I also projected a very stuck-up and judgmental character which was not conducive to healthy relationships. Now as a result of that behavior I end up on this forum typing this comment.
• Engaging in toxic relationships: Yes, I become very attached to girls who are blatantly not attracted to me. Conversely I become repulsed by girls who express genuine attraction and appreciation towards me.
• Deliberate underperformance: Yes definitely. If I do poorly I can just cope and act like I "didn't even try that hard". It's a really immature and embarrassing way to act but it's a subconscious defense mechanism- not something I'm necessarily choosing to do.

Therapy is bullshit and doesn't work at all don't waste your time/money. Substance use is only a band-aid but it's better than killing yourself.

It's becoming clear to me that no amount of external validation will ever make us feel better. As I have been "looksmaxxing" and getting a lot more explicit sexual attraction from girls, I feel unchanged. In fact I feel worse as I can no longer cling onto the false hope that getting girls would solve all my problems. Also friends inviting me out and saying they love me, my parents telling me they're proud of me, praise from my superiors at school and work, parents telling me that their child looks up to me- nothing can make me feel like I'm not worthless.

Honestly psychedelics are promising but I haven't had a "breakthrough" type experience yet. If you haven't tried them yet I'd recommend you to consider it. They're the only drugs you can take that will force you to see a different perspective. I believe carrying this new perspective back with you into your daily life is possible albeit very difficult and requires a concerted effort. Anyway I think this could be the only hope for people like us.

As you can tell by the length of my reply this is something very serious to me. Like you said it has consumed my life almost entirely. Every action I take can be traced back to the desire to free myself from this burden. I guess it's at least good to know that we aren't alone in our experience. Good luck bro I hope you can find something that works for you.