Deleted member 3177
Life just isn't hard enough
- Joined
- Sep 14, 2019
- Posts
- 5,481
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I hate myself. In my heart I always feel uneasy, uncomfortable, as if I've done something wrong. I always feel embarrassed. I feel embarrassed of myself and I feel embarrassed of others. But the latter is simply a projection of my inner hate for myself; I reject others because I reject myself, and through my anger towards them I redirect all the hurt that I feel that I deserve. If one day I feel happy, it is merely coincidental; time and time again my state reverses back and I seek a hiding place to block away my train of thought and stop me from hurting myself by forcing me to realize that it is over, and that I cannot console the fact that I can't fix this. I look for a refuge in escapism. I don't live through myself, and I definitely don't think. I act automatically. I move automatically, I talk automatically, I eat automatically, I masturbate automatically, I imagine automatically. Nothing I do is deliberate. When I am forced to abandon this shell I escape, and I force my egoism down upon others so that they can heal me. I don't feel alive right now. I am an empty vacuum, but that is not to say that I don't feel emotional impulses from time to time. Right now I feel an urge to cry, though I also feel a black feeling deep within my heart, of regret and pain, that I have to reveal this and write it out for someone to see for me to feel ease about it. I am disgusting. I am dead.
![( ( ( d[-_-]b ) ) )](/data/avatars/l/2/2780.jpg?1772585673){kind=avatar}
