C
crossed star
Silver
- Joined
- Jan 20, 2025
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i remembered that i used to uncontrolablly tremble and be nervous of taking pictures for school thats required, i hesitate and hate my face for the whole day before taking a pic of myself and still hating my pic. am so desperate to look good at picture, and even after i tried my hardest to look good, i still get disgusted by it. its still like that, but i just get disgusted by my face now, i accepted it enough to not be hysterical and panic at pictures that am so ugly and i dont want to see my face. my classmates that time dont understand why am like this that time, and i dont too. and now, i just get dissapointed at my face everytime i see it, i already accepted it enough to able to not escape my face with everything i had, to not see it with everything i had like the past. i remembered too when covid 19, am thinking if i should just kill myself before photoshoot for id before i go to school cause they will see my face lmao, i had a facemask for whole time cause am too ashamed of my face, i feel its too ugly, my face improved since then, but i only still see that ugly face until now. before, i cant remember my face no matter what i do, anything related to my face, i forget everything, but trying to forget my ugly face doesnt make it dissapear and my feeling of ugly face is still there. am so ashamed to show my face to everyone, i feel like dying everyday just going outside to school, whenever am about to go outside my house, am always so ashamed of my face i dont want to leave the house, but i dont have a choice, so i just face the world forgetting evrything. but for me its ok to feel death as long as am not death. and now i stoped school cause am in college now, i tried 1stsem of it to see if i can do it even with what i feel and not being able to think, then i didnt take it, imagine studying not being able to remember everything cause you have a problem youre thinking about, trying so hard to forget my problem, pinning it down while listening to lessons, but trying to forget it dont make it dissapear, i still suffer. while its first term, midterm and finals, i didnt reviewed a single thing of it, i cant study, i cant focus, its too much, and i still managed to pass while almost not being able to remember evrything, thats how smart am i, and maybe all these feelings of hurting stem from i must understand everything i see and feel, that that i didnt understand it, i broke down and just forgetted everything. a 15yrold planning to kill himself cause his classmate will see his face is so pitiable. i want to be someone who will not be ashamed to show his face and walk outside without caring that people will see his face. but its already too late man, i want to atleast give it a chance if i will recover in this one year i will not go to school, if i recover i or near recovering, then i wont have to kill myself for being this pathetic
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