dnr just vent

[crossed star]

i hate that i cant stop staring at girls body, i get concious so much of people that i stare at them, but its worse at girls, sexy girls, i stare at them so much. before when i cant even write things like this and dont know that i have mental illness, when i dont know how serious my condition, i go to school and cant stop myself from staring at girls, like i cant really stop myself. am ogling at girls body every chance i get, thats why i get talked about by girls as a creep, and am so ashamed of it, and hate myself for being like this and not being able to stop myself. everytime i go home i think about my inability to stop myself and how disgusting am i, everytime i do it i get disgusted by myself, but my intent to ogle at girls and their sexy body, my exitedness and their sexy body is more than worth than my disgust with myself. but now, my disgust for myself is more than that allow me to look at girls, i feel so dirty looking at girls. even seeing them at my peripheral vision makes me so disgusted at myself. i look at them with my peripheral vision, even if i dont look at them, laying my peripheral vision at them makes me focus at people not only girls, thats why i look down whenever theres people. i get so concious of them that i stare at them, looking at people using my vision and its peripheral makes me focus at them by how concious am i with them.
and now am in the same room as the workmate girl of my mom, i dont want her to think am a creep, even thinking about it makes me cry, i will not look at her i dont want to cry being seen as a creep. but am so concious of her.
i hate that am even thinking about this and being this pathetic. i dont want to be like this, i want to be normal, i dont want to worry about things like this, like normal teenagers. i hope to be able to picture at sights and places having fun without worrying about my face and deleting it.