Mr_Bombo_mogs
Silver
- Joined
- Aug 4, 2023
- Posts
- 709
- Reputation
- 679
I cant even argue probably my thinking skills are degrading .Everything I say is incoherent and substanceless.Whenever Im asked basic question my brain just goes blank.It feels so uncany.Like my conscience has been moved into this foreign alien body I have no recollection of any memories (not even exaggerating my memory is awful) yet I feel like I should know so much more.Like my whole life I was boasted up to be this great smart kid but the longer Ive been isolated the more distant and fleeting it all seems like I could just phase my hand through it.Genuinely Ive consumed so much media it feels like I dont even know and know what I believe all at the same time.Like my ideas have this broad truth to them but the minute their attacked Im instantly stunned.Fact of the matter is,theres so much noise in my life ,it makes me sick thinking about all the plefora of combinations of billions upon billions of instances and how they all relate but then this contradicts this and Im just tied up in this suffocating black hole of just knots of logical discrepancies and buzz words tagged on packed up bookmarked resources that will never be read.Its all so tiring.I feel genuineness pinned too I feel like ive dulled myself down so bad the learned helplessness sucks all drive and motivation in me,like I have the capability to go gym,read, make art,hobbies ,looksmaxx,boxxing but Ive been rejuvinated and eventually sucked of all energy in doing anything so many times in this cycle with no end Ive just lost all connection of this idolised interpertation of myself I just know Im fundamentally flawed and Im simply apathetic too it; kinda like a white pill overdose.Its lead to my sleep going to shit the only thing Ive mainted is decent nutrition.I find myself abandonign so many things to leave them to do later and then never coming back.My life just feels like one uninterrupted hazy day even prior with all the good lifestyles, I think Im just gonna have to cope with this for next 60 years till I die ,while I fantasies about detached beautiful anhillation of everything I hate that will somehow fix every problem I have with this godforsaken world while listening to hyperpop and fucking phonk edits and some hypothetical women that will come despite the fact realising countless times Im physically incapabe of feeling any love.The emotional baggage is too much but I genuinely cant show any real emotion for more than less then a second like its weird Ill feel something either it be extreme anger or sadness but I cant cry with tears so I just growl and insult myself or sob for 5 seconds and feel after inhumne with an aftertaste of unappetising emptiness .And If Im ever happy or especially see anyone else happy Ill just feel an unbearable cringe like Im genuinely ashamed of even existing.I just feel so ingenuine like for a normie they can tell Im autistic but Im preety well normiemaxxed so for the first couple of hours theyll think Im just like them but Ive goten so accustomed to this so many times it feels like Im being hostaged but at the same time stalk home syndrome hits and I yearn for the strong friend group like even If I had kids Id only see them as my genetic offspring ,I wouldnt care for them only their impact on society.My concepts of friendship is so personalised and perfectonist when I meet genuinely compassionate people in real life theyll just seem so inadequate like I cant truly express myself without being judged or I just shit on them and see them as lazy bug eyed consumers.But when I attempt to make friends online it feels like Im doing a fucking test,the big blocky screen erases all and any connection ,it feels like Im speaking to the perfect, beutiful people who have no personality abd will just leave me behind the second I say a weird thing,like I need face to face connection but even then Im so insecure to out my face online,and even my voice ;is it just me or dies hearing yourself speaks sound so unintellegent and childish?Then the few times I make good connection I just fucking abandon them for no apparent reasone.It feels like Im wearing 50 diffrent masks at the same time of irony, knowledge personas and it just concatenates into a steaming pile of shit. I need people to judge me to make me feel shame to motivate me to change,but the sucks my fucking soul so I lowkey get into this nostalgic depression.But when I stop interacting with outside world I just degenorate into a shattered puzzle of hedonism.Yet Im chasing this short feeling of security and happinese .I have no urge for anything more than a roof over my head,food and some noise making device to drown out any thoughts.Like is this really all Ill ever feel for the rest of my life.
