iblamemandible7
ORG RUINER
- Joined
- Dec 28, 2024
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Whenever I think of the blackpill, there's a specific first personal memory that comes up. When I was around 5, my parents brought me to the park one evening to play on the playground with other kids and maybe make some friends. What I did there isn't important, what's important is that around the end of the night, another boy suddenly noticed something about my face. Something that was wrong. Something offensive and hideous and disgusting, something biologically wrong, my severe strabismus. I've had this congenital deformity since I came out the womb, and 4 surgeries during my beginning years failed to fix the defect. Back to the story, I was bombarded with name calling and laughter at me and my eyes and left in tears. That memory is so essential and critical to me because it marks the beginning of a theme that came to dictate my life. Over the years the cruel jokes and laughter festered into ridicule, personal attacks, passive aggressiveness, and uncomfortable stares darting around the room everywhere I went. Even my closest "friends" held the same oddly consistent attitudes toward me. I look anybody in their eyes, the most vital part of our humanity arguably, and within milliseconds I see the microexpressions change into that biological disgust. Their words instantly start melting into uncertainties and uncomfortability that I'm deeply familiar with. Everyone who comes in contact with me turns to shit I am an untouchable, the lowest tier of "human". I can only find happiness in escapes and distractions. And nobody in my life cares to acknowledge all of this thinly veiled judgement and hatred for me, because they don't want to. Nobody wants to accept the viewpoint that would shatter all of their preconceived notions, about you, about society, about the world, and so on. I hate people. If my next surgery goes well, assuming I don't pussy out, there's a very high chance that it will eventually relapse. In the back of my mind will always be the possibilty that I revert to this state of being, that I become an untouchable again. And because of that, I will never forgive what people did to me. My eyes are opened. Of course I will hide my disgust and NTmaxx if things happen to work out for me, but deep down, after a lifetime of this treatment, it's a core part of me to distrust and hate everyone. If I ever go back to how I am now, the treatment will resume. And if my surgery doesn't work, I will just have to accept LDARing for the rest of my pathetic life, because there is no equality when you're a subhuman.
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