Xangsane
jova
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Posted by
u/carbsarelyfe
17 hours ago
Help me understand
OC
XF married to an AM. I’m from the Bay, husband is from the east coast. I’ve lurked on this sub for a while and have seen similar posts. I posted something similar to a different Asian American community, mods deleted it after it rapidly gained traction. A longggg list of observations and thoughts in no particular order, but also because I just want to understand.
I grew up out here in the Bay and live here still. Almost every single Asian American girl friend I had in high school exclusively dated white guys. Fast forward to now, in our 30s, all are partnered with or married to white men. Stephanie White, Allison Glass, Michelle Davis, Megan Jones. Names obviously edited, but you get the gist. They all still only hang out with other Asian American women also all married to white men. We recently attended one of their kids birthday parties with our two little girls — it was impossible not to notice. And feel kind of weird about it.
After college, I reconnected with some of these high school friends that were back in the Bay and working in the city. In this circle, there was one white dude that ONLY dated Asian women. A bunch of Asian American women that ONLY dated white men. I was single at that time and wondered why I never got the same amount of attention as my less-attractive girlfriends from these guys, but looking back, I get it now. White feverYellow fever.
Recently I met up with two friends, both Asian women with white partners. One of them was explaining to us how her family hasn’t met her new partner yet and how her family was trying to guess what he was. And she gives a knowing look and says, “OBVIOUSLY he’s white” Right to my face, knowing my husband is Asian. Just the superiority of the WELL DUH of COURSE he’s white. As if he could BE anything else. It honestly got to me and I’ve distanced myself after that interaction.
They’ll say things like “oh I could never date an Asian guy, they remind me too much of my brother/cousin/friend”. I also am a minority woman and I’ve NEVER had thoughts like this. They’ll claim that Asian cultures are the most patriarchal, that’s why they could never date an Asian man. I come from a culture that is ten times more patriarchal, but would NEVER say or think something like this.
My office in SF had a daycare center on the bottom floor — almost every single child was a hapa with an Asian mother.
I’ve also noticed that the Asian women I know HEAVILY lean into their culture, into Asian cuisines, trips to Asia, music and shows…but are all married to white dudes. One of them just posted a selfie of them at an AgustD concert, thirsting after him in vids they posted. All the girls tagged in the pic? Married to white guys.
Two nights ago, dinner at a pizza place with our daughters. 3 WMAF families seated next to us on the patio. No other families. I mean HOW could you not notice. The guys looked totally disinterested in their families, on their phones, the women would occasionally stare daggers at us.
This morning, at a park. Almost every family that would enter. WMAF. The AFs looking super proud as they would walk by us multiple times almost parading their hapa children. Even the white guys would look proud? Like look at us with our Asian wives. Sometimes, they’ll be rude to me. Today, one of these white dudes came up to me and told me to move my stroller, which was out of the way to begin with. I said nope and walked away.
I’ve seen this play out in the Bay since I was a high school kid but it become 10,000 times more apparent to me when I met my husband. Often times, the women are much less attractive than the men that has me wondering.
THEN on social media, in the literary world, activists….Every Asian food blogger / influencer and their “watch my Korean mom make lunch” accounts? White partners. I recently bought my kids a bunch of cute picture books by Grace Lin about CNY, dim sum, other cultural topics. Married to a white guy. Accounts like Uyen Ninh on IG that keep popping up on my explore page? How little do you have to tho ink of yourself to post content like this? Putting your German BF on a pedestal. I don’t really see other XF posting stuff like this to fetishize themselves and their culture. TV shows like The Summer I turned Pretty — the author is a full Korean woman and is writing out her fantasy of being a hapa girl with two attractive white men love interests.
I mean WTF is going on. I could keep listing examples. From both my life and in media.
Someone. Please. Explain this to me. I also don’t know why I’m so bothered by this. Maybe because every time I step out, we are SURROUNDED by it. As a mom of two half-Chinese girls, I don’t want this to happen to them. I don’t think it will because we’re raising them to be proud of their unique heritage on both sides, but I see so many Asian American women around me who have blinders on. I see a level of insecurity and internalized racism amongst these women that I don’t see in women in my own extremely patriarchal culture and other cultures. Why? Why to all of this? Maybe if it wasn’t ALWAYS an Asian woman with a white man, I wouldn’t think much of it. But it always is. And they often have this air of superiority about them. And the back-handed remarks they make about Asian men when my husband is Asian. Sorry I’m posting in this community, I know it’s centered around Asian masculinity, but I genuinely don’t get it AS a minority woman myself.
