the MOUSE
FUOTY 2022 6th Place. Old Legend
- Joined
- Sep 27, 2023
- Posts
- 1,979
- Reputation
- 4,294
i am so confused with my life, what am i meant to do, what is the correct pursuit and choice to take for the future.
i was on road to professional soccer player, and then top global clash royale player but i lost both of those with nothing to show. i ended up so weirdly instead into whatever the fuck i am now. was this fated or mere chance? ive had too many butterfly effects in my life. my mother couldve lived if doctors tested again for remission, i couldve grew in india with an entirely different life if not for relative deciding to sponsor, the mewing vid i came across by sheer chance which then led me into the looksmax rabbit hole.
i did all this looksmaxxing but in the end, i just gained bones and better life from chance late puberty and natural fat loss, not from any of my hrs of hard work.
did this have any purpose, was it meaningless?
my memories are a blur, my coping mechanism was always to just accept there was nothing i could do and continue on by forgetting, supressing it. i learnt very well how to wear a mask of my pain to not make my loved ones suffer of realising what i was going through, laughter was a good one. its more painful for one you love to suffer than yourself.
but perhaps some emotional release was necessary than acting too stoic. could i just not cry anymore, even when seeing that open casket, why couldnt i cry. that horrorful image etched into my mind. seeing her alive, someone you had along with you your whole life and then turned into nothing, ash a week later.
should i really be the MOUSE( continuing on for glimmer of hope at the end despite all the current pain and hopelessness), or metamorphosis into something else?
let go and be blown by the wind. so you may sprout in the beatiful gardem?
i was on road to professional soccer player, and then top global clash royale player but i lost both of those with nothing to show. i ended up so weirdly instead into whatever the fuck i am now. was this fated or mere chance? ive had too many butterfly effects in my life. my mother couldve lived if doctors tested again for remission, i couldve grew in india with an entirely different life if not for relative deciding to sponsor, the mewing vid i came across by sheer chance which then led me into the looksmax rabbit hole.
i did all this looksmaxxing but in the end, i just gained bones and better life from chance late puberty and natural fat loss, not from any of my hrs of hard work.
did this have any purpose, was it meaningless?
my memories are a blur, my coping mechanism was always to just accept there was nothing i could do and continue on by forgetting, supressing it. i learnt very well how to wear a mask of my pain to not make my loved ones suffer of realising what i was going through, laughter was a good one. its more painful for one you love to suffer than yourself.
but perhaps some emotional release was necessary than acting too stoic. could i just not cry anymore, even when seeing that open casket, why couldnt i cry. that horrorful image etched into my mind. seeing her alive, someone you had along with you your whole life and then turned into nothing, ash a week later.
should i really be the MOUSE( continuing on for glimmer of hope at the end despite all the current pain and hopelessness), or metamorphosis into something else?
let go and be blown by the wind. so you may sprout in the beatiful gardem?
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