A
Anima
Iron
- Joined
- Sep 19, 2020
- Posts
- 6
- Reputation
- 10
Hi mates. Been lurking for about a year and felt that I finally needed to post something. I feel very hopeless with my life and like I can't ask my irl peers for advice because every time I do it's like they don't understand and it makes me feel stupid. I see countless posts here of people saying things that I'm feeling and thinking; this is why I'm here.
I'm a 21 y/o male and live in southeast coast US. I'm in my second semester at a local university. I went into uni not knowing what to do, but I felt aimless and like a failure because all of my friends went to college after hs. Because of the uncertainty, I've changed majors and want to again, or even drop out. I work a niche food service job and make $17/hr. I'm above average looks, honestly probably 7-8 PSL. I've done some modeling in an attempt to get signed, but gave up because of mental health. My low self esteem made it really hard to be objectified. I have PTSD from parental abuse and crippling social anxiety. It fluctuates, but because of this it's hard for me to socialize or engage with my peers. Sometimes I'll be ok, sometimes I'll have panic attacks doing simple things like getting a haircut, going to the gym, getting food. Basically, I feel like I'm living my life on autopilot and it's been this way for the last two years. Absolutely nothing motivates me or makes me feel fulfilled anymore--not the things that I'm passionate about, not my career, not my education, not connecting with friends, not even sex. Whenever I wake up it feels like the day is already coming to an end and so I might as well not do anything. I literally just want to lie down and rot. I feel like I'm just watching time pass me and trying to stay functioning enough to stay afloat. I'm dissociated most of the time, like it's hard for me to feel present, in the moment. Whenever I am doing something that makes me feel happy, I soon feel uneasy. Scared, I guess, that I shouldn't be happy for x, y, or z reason, maybe I'm doing something wrong, maybe they're lying to me, maybe I'm being weird/cringe, and I'll ruin the moment. Also, scared that I'll waste the moment because I know it won't last forever and I ought to do things right so that it will be a good, valuable memory. The only thing I look forward to is my weekly therapy session. I literally think of the week as "oh therapy in a few days" and "just make it through this weekend and then therapy in a few days". My problem is that I don't understand why this is or what I can do to fix it. As a teen, I remember having motivation, interest, drive, but I just don't anymore. I constantly feel like I need a break, but from what I don't understand. It's extremely annoying because these thoughts and feelings seem stupid and invalid, and I wish I could just shake them off and start doing what I need to do.
I know I could be successful at things because I'm good looking, higher IQ, and have some good basic connections. I feel really shit at times, but I know deep down I'm not a truecel. I'm a desirable person and have the capacity to achieve success. Problem is I just really don't see the point to. When I imagine myself richer, I still feel empty. When I imagine myself swimming in pussy, I still feel empty. When I imagine myself with friends, I still feel empty. It's like this with everything. I honestly think 90% of my problems come from my ability to socialize or fit in. I also don't entirely understand social norms, as I was bullied all through school until about junior year of HS, so I never had friends or close relationships. I've been considering antidepressants for like a year, but I really don't want to take them. In HS I took Prozac and it made me manic for the almost two years I took it. And I really miss that, feeling energized, uninhibited, like the hottest, smartest person in the room at all times. I ascended hard. But it caused me tons of problems when it came to actually connecting with other people. Life is shallow, but not that shallow. That's no way to live, I know.
I really just don't know what to do anymore, so I'm here looking for advice. At least, to share this and feel less alone. If you've read, thank you.
Also if there's like an official discord then PM me the invite link please.
I'm a 21 y/o male and live in southeast coast US. I'm in my second semester at a local university. I went into uni not knowing what to do, but I felt aimless and like a failure because all of my friends went to college after hs. Because of the uncertainty, I've changed majors and want to again, or even drop out. I work a niche food service job and make $17/hr. I'm above average looks, honestly probably 7-8 PSL. I've done some modeling in an attempt to get signed, but gave up because of mental health. My low self esteem made it really hard to be objectified. I have PTSD from parental abuse and crippling social anxiety. It fluctuates, but because of this it's hard for me to socialize or engage with my peers. Sometimes I'll be ok, sometimes I'll have panic attacks doing simple things like getting a haircut, going to the gym, getting food. Basically, I feel like I'm living my life on autopilot and it's been this way for the last two years. Absolutely nothing motivates me or makes me feel fulfilled anymore--not the things that I'm passionate about, not my career, not my education, not connecting with friends, not even sex. Whenever I wake up it feels like the day is already coming to an end and so I might as well not do anything. I literally just want to lie down and rot. I feel like I'm just watching time pass me and trying to stay functioning enough to stay afloat. I'm dissociated most of the time, like it's hard for me to feel present, in the moment. Whenever I am doing something that makes me feel happy, I soon feel uneasy. Scared, I guess, that I shouldn't be happy for x, y, or z reason, maybe I'm doing something wrong, maybe they're lying to me, maybe I'm being weird/cringe, and I'll ruin the moment. Also, scared that I'll waste the moment because I know it won't last forever and I ought to do things right so that it will be a good, valuable memory. The only thing I look forward to is my weekly therapy session. I literally think of the week as "oh therapy in a few days" and "just make it through this weekend and then therapy in a few days". My problem is that I don't understand why this is or what I can do to fix it. As a teen, I remember having motivation, interest, drive, but I just don't anymore. I constantly feel like I need a break, but from what I don't understand. It's extremely annoying because these thoughts and feelings seem stupid and invalid, and I wish I could just shake them off and start doing what I need to do.
I know I could be successful at things because I'm good looking, higher IQ, and have some good basic connections. I feel really shit at times, but I know deep down I'm not a truecel. I'm a desirable person and have the capacity to achieve success. Problem is I just really don't see the point to. When I imagine myself richer, I still feel empty. When I imagine myself swimming in pussy, I still feel empty. When I imagine myself with friends, I still feel empty. It's like this with everything. I honestly think 90% of my problems come from my ability to socialize or fit in. I also don't entirely understand social norms, as I was bullied all through school until about junior year of HS, so I never had friends or close relationships. I've been considering antidepressants for like a year, but I really don't want to take them. In HS I took Prozac and it made me manic for the almost two years I took it. And I really miss that, feeling energized, uninhibited, like the hottest, smartest person in the room at all times. I ascended hard. But it caused me tons of problems when it came to actually connecting with other people. Life is shallow, but not that shallow. That's no way to live, I know.
I really just don't know what to do anymore, so I'm here looking for advice. At least, to share this and feel less alone. If you've read, thank you.
Also if there's like an official discord then PM me the invite link please.
