E
el autistico
Iron
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2025
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I know what to expect from this but idc im just venting
No point in trying anymore
I know that this is long and dumb reason but I had to let it out somewhere.
My whole life I felt unlovable and worthless and I just got proven right, no matter how hard I try I'm still getting the worst of it
So recently I broke up with my girlfriend, she broke up with me actually. I am from Serbia and 19 years old. We were together for like 3weeks and texting for about a month. I'm feeling like there really no point in trying anymore. I know that this sounds stupid but my whole life I've been unable to keep relationships, people just don't like me. She was my first actual girlfriend, my first kiss. Before her I had a "girlfriend" which I'll call A for you to understand, and this last girlfriend I'll call D. With A I was for like a month but we never kissed, it actually never crossed my mind. With A it was really toxic relationship and awkward. I was jealous a lot, but when I think of it now I kinda had a good reason. She liked me for 3 months before we even started talking, she knew almost everything about me, and she manipulated me into falling in love and loving her. After some time I started discovering her lies. She lied about a lot of things to get closer to me and to get me to like her. After I saw through her lies I started getting jealous, I was telling her to unfollow other guys, that she can't have guy friends and stuff like that. We used to argue a lot. And after a month she broke up with me. That day I told her that she was flat, I mean that her body was flat. But before that she said a lot of things about my looks and that that was a reason my dad left me, and I just got angry and said what I said. After she broke up with me for three weeks I was begging for her to come back and in the end I got blocked everywhere and all of her friends made jokes about me. And the worst part is that we go to school together. I also stalked her tiktok for months after breakup. BTW we broke up in February, and I stalked her tiktok until August. Then in September I stopped. But in October was her birthday and I thought it would be a great way to get back into her life.
I congratulated her and she didn't even leave me on seen, she just never opened a message. After that I stalked her tiktok reposts for whole of October and found out that she has a boyfriend. And then I realized something. I thought a lot and figured out that I was manipulated into falling in love and that it was never real but the whole time I was too heartbroken to see that. And I'm telling you all of this because A and D are friends.
Now I will tell you a story about D. When I realized things about A it was November 2025 and I decided that it was time to work on myself, my looks, mindset and everything. I've spent from November 2025 until June 2026 just focusing on myself. I didn't have to focus on my body a lot because after A left me I got insane motivation for gym and I've built a pretty good and strong body so I just kept training after. I was more focusing on becoming a better looking in my face, becoming more extroverted, and not being jealous. And in July I found D on tiktok I followed her and she followed me back. I sent a message and she gave me her Instagram. I was still scared about going into relationship but she is so beautiful that I can't even describe. Like everything about her face and body and hair just like an angel. But I know that looks aren't everything.
We started texting on Instagram and after few days I realized that she also has a great personality and is very funny and nice. I was really weird for me that I have so much in common with a girl because I before I could never hang out with girls because they were all boring. And everything was so spontaneous we didn't know each other before I no-one stalked and knew everything about other person before they even met like my past relationship. That's one more reason why I was so shocked. After like a week of texting we agreed to meet up in person
We went together to some kind of festival in a village next to our town. And immediately when we saw each other there was no awkwardness it was like we knew each other forever. And I'm telling you this because it's really really hard for me to meet new people and even harder to fall in love. Even tho I'm not good looking I'm still really picky. We went on multiple rides and all of it was fun, we were hugging, laughing, making jokes. I won some teddy bears for her and it was all fun. After that we went to sit on a bench and she instantly laid on me and you need to remember this now because of some things she said later. She just acted like she loves physical touch. I also met her younger brother that day and really got along with him. After that we went to our town again and sat on a bench for like 2 more hours and the whole time she was kinda laying on me and I was rubbing her belly and she my arm. And everything was perfect, we really clicked. She texted me all the times saying how she can't wait to go out with me again. I bought her flowers and gifts. I brought pancakes to her building when I went to to gym. It was like a perfect relationship.
There is one thing and it's that she broke up with her ex of 2 years that month when we stared texting. And she said that they broke up like 10 times before but that this is a final one. I can't lie that scared me a little. But I thought that we had a connection. On our third date that was 4 days after a first one. Yeah we went out almost every day. On that third date I felt like a had to kiss her, don't get me wrong I wanted to do that but I was really scared because I'm older than her and I've never kissed anyone before. We were together on a bench for like an hour I just couldn't get balls to do it. And then when were about to leave I finally decided to do it. And for me it was magical, first kiss lasted for about 15seconds. I've never felt like that, it was so special. Then we kissed again and it was even better. I never felt that good in my life. Even days before our kiss I knew that I loved her, and I can't really say why, i can list things that I like about her
But I can't say why I love her, it's just a feeling and if I knew why that wouldn't be love. That kiss was on 25th of July and then we were officially in relationship. After four days I told her that I loved her and it was to soon for her, she didn't believe me. I know that I said it too soon but that's how I felt, why would I lie. We still kept seeing each other, kissing, went on double dates, i met her friends, still bought her gifts and I really tried to be the best for her, because she really deserves it. She said that she loved me too, said all the time that I was perfect, good looking, etc. It was all good, we talked, played roblox, texted and then it all suddenly changed. She became cold and dry. I still tried to understand, didn't get mad or jealous once because I really trusted her and had no reason for it. After 2 days she said that we need to talk and I called her. She said that I am too possessive. And she explained it that every time we go out I'm constantly hugging her, holding her, when we are sitting that we are sitting to close to each other. And I said that I won't do it anymore but that I thought that she liked it, because she was like that on our first date. Then she said that sometime in the future I might go and beat up some guy just because he look at her or sent a dm. I just didn't know what to say, was kinda shocked. Because why would I do something like that, I didn't know where all of this was coming from but whatever. Then she said that she was mad because she saw that I follow a model on Instagram, that was an actress from TV series the 100. I followed her for months and I totally forgot about that. But it wasn't like I liked her or something, she is lesbian and she was just my favorite actress and I thought that she had aura. But I unfollowed her of course because it was bothering my girlfriend and I wasn't mad about that, I was only mad because she didn't tell me sooner that she was mad about that. It all passed dand we laughed it off.
After few hours she was cold again and told me that she wasn't feeling well mentally and if it gets worse that she will break up with me not to hurt me, because she would be in her room all the time and wouldn't talk to anyone. I told her that if I can't help her, because she said that i can't, that that is not a reason to break up and it won't hurt me and I will wait for her to get better. And a lot of other things. Because this girl is really special for me. She really liked what I said a we were on call after that for like 8 hours, talking, playing roblox and everything was like before again. Then later that day she went out with A, you remember that I said they are friends. And after she came back home at around 2am, she was cold again, and then at 4am she just broke up with me. I was really shocked, didn't know what to say. She said that she is not feeling like this relationship is right for her and that it would be the best to break up. I said okay and that I won't text her again. Didn't know what else to say. After 24h a wrote a long paragraph a said that I'll wait for her and some other stuff, and she just said that she was sorry and that she made a decision. And again after some time I texted her and told her to block me everywhere so I couldn't text her and she did it. But she didn't block me on Facebook so after another 24hours I texted her there because I felt like I didn't say enough, before that text I spent 2 hours sitting on the bench where we kissed the first time. She again said that she was sorry and to not text her anymore. And now I've decided that I won't but I just can't figure out what happend. Did she get back with her ex, or did A tell her something about me thats not true.
I told you here all the important that happened between me and A. And after everything D said to me, and everything was good and all of a sudden she just breaks up with me without a proper explanation. I really can't understand why. I still have nothing against her, didnt insult her once, I still love her, I just cant understand and hate myslef.
So this is my story of what happened recently. So now you would think why I think that there is no more point in trying. My whole life I felt unlovable I hated myself, I hated my birthday, my looks, my personality. Every time I met new people they didn't like me for long or at all. And after I tried to change myself it still ended the same. I'm not talking about just romantic relationships but all. People always thought bad about me, and after some time I accepted it and stopped trying to meet new people. Even my friends have better friends than me and don't like to hangout with me much, even my brothers or parents. And now after I met someone who told me that I was perfect and where I really tried and could be myslef around, just left me out of nowhere. For a long time now I didn't care about my future, I had all As in high-school and I'm starting college this fall, but I didn't do that because of me, but not to disappoint my parents. I really dont want to be a 30 year old coming into an empty house after work, or to be a 40 year old telling younger men like me that there is no hope. So I've decided to start using copius amounts of steroids. I just got today tren, test, eq, mast, adrol, clen. I'm gonna run as much as I can and see for how long my body will last. I'm not doing any bloodwork or taking any ancillaries. I always thought that I was unlovable and I got proven right. And I just dont want to try anymore and make a fool of myself. I really like this girl and wanted her to be the one. And I'm not doing all this now because of her it's just a lot deeper than that, she just helped me to realize who I am. I have no balls to do it directly so I'm doing it slowly and indirectly, just hope with the doses(a lot) I will be taking that it won't take too long
Edit:
So that you understand me better, because I've just read this and it sounds really dumb, but i really dont see any hope. Idk if this girl just used me to get over her ex or if it was just a fun for her to play with my feelings. I dont have many friends, actually I have only one that I can kinda talk to but I see that he doesn't care. I cant open up to my parents. I have like 3 friends for my 19 years of life and only one that I can talk to and he doesn't care. I know a lot of people but I dont want to get close to any of them because I know that they would just leave.
I had two relationships and most people wouldn't even call it relationships but that's what I'm talking about, everyone i get close to leaves. That's why I decided to do what I'm doing. I know that this is selfish because people have real problems but I dont see this getting any better
No point in trying anymore
I know that this is long and dumb reason but I had to let it out somewhere.
My whole life I felt unlovable and worthless and I just got proven right, no matter how hard I try I'm still getting the worst of it
So recently I broke up with my girlfriend, she broke up with me actually. I am from Serbia and 19 years old. We were together for like 3weeks and texting for about a month. I'm feeling like there really no point in trying anymore. I know that this sounds stupid but my whole life I've been unable to keep relationships, people just don't like me. She was my first actual girlfriend, my first kiss. Before her I had a "girlfriend" which I'll call A for you to understand, and this last girlfriend I'll call D. With A I was for like a month but we never kissed, it actually never crossed my mind. With A it was really toxic relationship and awkward. I was jealous a lot, but when I think of it now I kinda had a good reason. She liked me for 3 months before we even started talking, she knew almost everything about me, and she manipulated me into falling in love and loving her. After some time I started discovering her lies. She lied about a lot of things to get closer to me and to get me to like her. After I saw through her lies I started getting jealous, I was telling her to unfollow other guys, that she can't have guy friends and stuff like that. We used to argue a lot. And after a month she broke up with me. That day I told her that she was flat, I mean that her body was flat. But before that she said a lot of things about my looks and that that was a reason my dad left me, and I just got angry and said what I said. After she broke up with me for three weeks I was begging for her to come back and in the end I got blocked everywhere and all of her friends made jokes about me. And the worst part is that we go to school together. I also stalked her tiktok for months after breakup. BTW we broke up in February, and I stalked her tiktok until August. Then in September I stopped. But in October was her birthday and I thought it would be a great way to get back into her life.
I congratulated her and she didn't even leave me on seen, she just never opened a message. After that I stalked her tiktok reposts for whole of October and found out that she has a boyfriend. And then I realized something. I thought a lot and figured out that I was manipulated into falling in love and that it was never real but the whole time I was too heartbroken to see that. And I'm telling you all of this because A and D are friends.
Now I will tell you a story about D. When I realized things about A it was November 2025 and I decided that it was time to work on myself, my looks, mindset and everything. I've spent from November 2025 until June 2026 just focusing on myself. I didn't have to focus on my body a lot because after A left me I got insane motivation for gym and I've built a pretty good and strong body so I just kept training after. I was more focusing on becoming a better looking in my face, becoming more extroverted, and not being jealous. And in July I found D on tiktok I followed her and she followed me back. I sent a message and she gave me her Instagram. I was still scared about going into relationship but she is so beautiful that I can't even describe. Like everything about her face and body and hair just like an angel. But I know that looks aren't everything.
We started texting on Instagram and after few days I realized that she also has a great personality and is very funny and nice. I was really weird for me that I have so much in common with a girl because I before I could never hang out with girls because they were all boring. And everything was so spontaneous we didn't know each other before I no-one stalked and knew everything about other person before they even met like my past relationship. That's one more reason why I was so shocked. After like a week of texting we agreed to meet up in person
We went together to some kind of festival in a village next to our town. And immediately when we saw each other there was no awkwardness it was like we knew each other forever. And I'm telling you this because it's really really hard for me to meet new people and even harder to fall in love. Even tho I'm not good looking I'm still really picky. We went on multiple rides and all of it was fun, we were hugging, laughing, making jokes. I won some teddy bears for her and it was all fun. After that we went to sit on a bench and she instantly laid on me and you need to remember this now because of some things she said later. She just acted like she loves physical touch. I also met her younger brother that day and really got along with him. After that we went to our town again and sat on a bench for like 2 more hours and the whole time she was kinda laying on me and I was rubbing her belly and she my arm. And everything was perfect, we really clicked. She texted me all the times saying how she can't wait to go out with me again. I bought her flowers and gifts. I brought pancakes to her building when I went to to gym. It was like a perfect relationship.
There is one thing and it's that she broke up with her ex of 2 years that month when we stared texting. And she said that they broke up like 10 times before but that this is a final one. I can't lie that scared me a little. But I thought that we had a connection. On our third date that was 4 days after a first one. Yeah we went out almost every day. On that third date I felt like a had to kiss her, don't get me wrong I wanted to do that but I was really scared because I'm older than her and I've never kissed anyone before. We were together on a bench for like an hour I just couldn't get balls to do it. And then when were about to leave I finally decided to do it. And for me it was magical, first kiss lasted for about 15seconds. I've never felt like that, it was so special. Then we kissed again and it was even better. I never felt that good in my life. Even days before our kiss I knew that I loved her, and I can't really say why, i can list things that I like about her
But I can't say why I love her, it's just a feeling and if I knew why that wouldn't be love. That kiss was on 25th of July and then we were officially in relationship. After four days I told her that I loved her and it was to soon for her, she didn't believe me. I know that I said it too soon but that's how I felt, why would I lie. We still kept seeing each other, kissing, went on double dates, i met her friends, still bought her gifts and I really tried to be the best for her, because she really deserves it. She said that she loved me too, said all the time that I was perfect, good looking, etc. It was all good, we talked, played roblox, texted and then it all suddenly changed. She became cold and dry. I still tried to understand, didn't get mad or jealous once because I really trusted her and had no reason for it. After 2 days she said that we need to talk and I called her. She said that I am too possessive. And she explained it that every time we go out I'm constantly hugging her, holding her, when we are sitting that we are sitting to close to each other. And I said that I won't do it anymore but that I thought that she liked it, because she was like that on our first date. Then she said that sometime in the future I might go and beat up some guy just because he look at her or sent a dm. I just didn't know what to say, was kinda shocked. Because why would I do something like that, I didn't know where all of this was coming from but whatever. Then she said that she was mad because she saw that I follow a model on Instagram, that was an actress from TV series the 100. I followed her for months and I totally forgot about that. But it wasn't like I liked her or something, she is lesbian and she was just my favorite actress and I thought that she had aura. But I unfollowed her of course because it was bothering my girlfriend and I wasn't mad about that, I was only mad because she didn't tell me sooner that she was mad about that. It all passed dand we laughed it off.
After few hours she was cold again and told me that she wasn't feeling well mentally and if it gets worse that she will break up with me not to hurt me, because she would be in her room all the time and wouldn't talk to anyone. I told her that if I can't help her, because she said that i can't, that that is not a reason to break up and it won't hurt me and I will wait for her to get better. And a lot of other things. Because this girl is really special for me. She really liked what I said a we were on call after that for like 8 hours, talking, playing roblox and everything was like before again. Then later that day she went out with A, you remember that I said they are friends. And after she came back home at around 2am, she was cold again, and then at 4am she just broke up with me. I was really shocked, didn't know what to say. She said that she is not feeling like this relationship is right for her and that it would be the best to break up. I said okay and that I won't text her again. Didn't know what else to say. After 24h a wrote a long paragraph a said that I'll wait for her and some other stuff, and she just said that she was sorry and that she made a decision. And again after some time I texted her and told her to block me everywhere so I couldn't text her and she did it. But she didn't block me on Facebook so after another 24hours I texted her there because I felt like I didn't say enough, before that text I spent 2 hours sitting on the bench where we kissed the first time. She again said that she was sorry and to not text her anymore. And now I've decided that I won't but I just can't figure out what happend. Did she get back with her ex, or did A tell her something about me thats not true.
I told you here all the important that happened between me and A. And after everything D said to me, and everything was good and all of a sudden she just breaks up with me without a proper explanation. I really can't understand why. I still have nothing against her, didnt insult her once, I still love her, I just cant understand and hate myslef.
So this is my story of what happened recently. So now you would think why I think that there is no more point in trying. My whole life I felt unlovable I hated myself, I hated my birthday, my looks, my personality. Every time I met new people they didn't like me for long or at all. And after I tried to change myself it still ended the same. I'm not talking about just romantic relationships but all. People always thought bad about me, and after some time I accepted it and stopped trying to meet new people. Even my friends have better friends than me and don't like to hangout with me much, even my brothers or parents. And now after I met someone who told me that I was perfect and where I really tried and could be myslef around, just left me out of nowhere. For a long time now I didn't care about my future, I had all As in high-school and I'm starting college this fall, but I didn't do that because of me, but not to disappoint my parents. I really dont want to be a 30 year old coming into an empty house after work, or to be a 40 year old telling younger men like me that there is no hope. So I've decided to start using copius amounts of steroids. I just got today tren, test, eq, mast, adrol, clen. I'm gonna run as much as I can and see for how long my body will last. I'm not doing any bloodwork or taking any ancillaries. I always thought that I was unlovable and I got proven right. And I just dont want to try anymore and make a fool of myself. I really like this girl and wanted her to be the one. And I'm not doing all this now because of her it's just a lot deeper than that, she just helped me to realize who I am. I have no balls to do it directly so I'm doing it slowly and indirectly, just hope with the doses(a lot) I will be taking that it won't take too long
Edit:
So that you understand me better, because I've just read this and it sounds really dumb, but i really dont see any hope. Idk if this girl just used me to get over her ex or if it was just a fun for her to play with my feelings. I dont have many friends, actually I have only one that I can kinda talk to but I see that he doesn't care. I cant open up to my parents. I have like 3 friends for my 19 years of life and only one that I can talk to and he doesn't care. I know a lot of people but I dont want to get close to any of them because I know that they would just leave.
I had two relationships and most people wouldn't even call it relationships but that's what I'm talking about, everyone i get close to leaves. That's why I decided to do what I'm doing. I know that this is selfish because people have real problems but I dont see this getting any better
