AlexAP
Kraken
- Joined
- Nov 3, 2020
- Posts
- 13,894
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- 28,971
It's like an insatiable hunger, I go to extreme end to get it sometime when I'm running out of control. I'm talking about lying, sleeping with girls who have boyfriend, taking advantage of emotionally vulnerable woman, breaking my moral compass. Sex provided physical relief and spiritual antidote for my persistent restlessness that I was unable to identify and share.
I could be working, facing stress. I have active social life but somehow within all that. The existence of sex, that I'm able to feel a woman body and touch is the one thing that made me feel that life is going to be alright.
Sex with beautiful woman provide me subconscious recognition of my desperate strivings for self acceptance and existential purpose. It doesn't matter if I have a big goal to work towards to, my dharma or whatever. On most days I could be focus, then there comes that random day I would let loose and all I have in mind is sex.
It's like anesthesia to me. Though it never achieved the wholesome feeling that I experience first time, sex continue to make me feel calm and mute all negative emotions.
Despite knowing rationally pursuing sex is wasting my time, taking away of my focus to work on my goals. Deep underneath it's always there. If I'm lucky, I catch that feeling before it grows out of control, and I manage to tamed it. Maybe it's luck, maybe there some guardian angel looking after me. But there are days, that I failed.
Understanding the knowledge of this addiction had me feeling compassionate of people struggling addiction. I still haven't given up, I make a decision to give abstinence a try. If by any chance being sober for a year sucks more than being addicted then I will go back.
I could be working, facing stress. I have active social life but somehow within all that. The existence of sex, that I'm able to feel a woman body and touch is the one thing that made me feel that life is going to be alright.
Sex with beautiful woman provide me subconscious recognition of my desperate strivings for self acceptance and existential purpose. It doesn't matter if I have a big goal to work towards to, my dharma or whatever. On most days I could be focus, then there comes that random day I would let loose and all I have in mind is sex.
It's like anesthesia to me. Though it never achieved the wholesome feeling that I experience first time, sex continue to make me feel calm and mute all negative emotions.
Despite knowing rationally pursuing sex is wasting my time, taking away of my focus to work on my goals. Deep underneath it's always there. If I'm lucky, I catch that feeling before it grows out of control, and I manage to tamed it. Maybe it's luck, maybe there some guardian angel looking after me. But there are days, that I failed.
Understanding the knowledge of this addiction had me feeling compassionate of people struggling addiction. I still haven't given up, I make a decision to give abstinence a try. If by any chance being sober for a year sucks more than being addicted then I will go back.
Healthygamer
