Orc
diagnosed autist
Staff
- Joined
- Jul 18, 2022
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you don't really "deal" with it, you just learn to live with the weight of it pressing down on you every day, like carrying around a second skeleton made of lead, people love to say "focus on yourself," but they don’t mention that self improvement is just building a prettier cage to rot in, you can lift, you can dress well, you can become everything they told you to, and still no one chooses you, because deep down, it was never about effort, it was about being born in a body the world didn’t want
the stigma never really leaves either, you just learn to stop flinching when people look at you like you’re defective, you laugh when they tell you to "be confident" because confidence doesn’t grow when the soil you're planted in is rejection, it just mutates into delusion
there’s no real guide to giving up gracefully, it’s not a clean break, it’s a slow hollowing out, a long mourning for a life you realize you were never going to have, you get tired of hoping, tired of humiliating yourself by existing in spaces that never had a place for you, and eventually you just fold inward, make your peace with the fact that connection, intimacy, being truly seen, those were luxuries for other people
some days you fake it better than others, some days the loneliness feels less like a screaming wound and more like background noise, but it never really leaves, it just becomes part of the architecture of who you are
and honestly, pretending it doesn't hurt would be a bigger lie than anything else
no one tells you that giving up isn’t some dignified fade into peace, it’s just dragging your own corpse through another day out of sheer stubbornness, pretending you don’t notice the smell
people love to talk about “acceptance” like it’s some profound enlightenment, but really it’s just grief you’ve gotten too tired to keep arguing with
the stigma never really leaves either, you just learn to stop flinching when people look at you like you’re defective, you laugh when they tell you to "be confident" because confidence doesn’t grow when the soil you're planted in is rejection, it just mutates into delusion
there’s no real guide to giving up gracefully, it’s not a clean break, it’s a slow hollowing out, a long mourning for a life you realize you were never going to have, you get tired of hoping, tired of humiliating yourself by existing in spaces that never had a place for you, and eventually you just fold inward, make your peace with the fact that connection, intimacy, being truly seen, those were luxuries for other people
some days you fake it better than others, some days the loneliness feels less like a screaming wound and more like background noise, but it never really leaves, it just becomes part of the architecture of who you are
and honestly, pretending it doesn't hurt would be a bigger lie than anything else
no one tells you that giving up isn’t some dignified fade into peace, it’s just dragging your own corpse through another day out of sheer stubbornness, pretending you don’t notice the smell
people love to talk about “acceptance” like it’s some profound enlightenment, but really it’s just grief you’ve gotten too tired to keep arguing with
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