futureashtray
caylee cowan > your oneitis
- Joined
- Aug 12, 2023
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fuck man i dont know where to start, i like this girl, shes beautiful and calm and feminine and perfect
i wish i wasnt so ugly so i could dm her. i wish i could have her and have her in my arms. so i could live a happy life. it was never about sex. shes just perfect.
i was stalking her socials a few minutes ago and her face made me smile, shes beautiful. she deserves the world, someone i would love to care for, have, love
then i changed apps to snapchat so i could look at my face to remind myself of the brutal reality and my smile disappeared. i then started imaging that the camera was her looking at me and i nearly started crying.
i never cry, only when i really really need to and when i do its very very private.
if i dont ascend then i hope i she finds someone perfect who will treat her like i would.
i only ever talked to her once, and it was 3 years ago. i remember the first day i saw her she would look at me and i would back at her but since i had to much anxiety and fear of rejection and an even bigger fear of her or her friends seeing me do something so personal that i would get made fun of or something
i hate social settings because i hate it when im watched and judged.
i was a sophmore in highschool and i had a whole year with her, i would have two classes with her. 2nd period history and 7th period ela. i took those days for granted, and i ended up missing the last three months of time i had with her in those classes because i decided to be homeschool after i kept getting bullied by my so called friends (a whole story i have made posts on) but yeah. thats what happened
i remember that last day i had in those classes before i switch to homeschool. at that point of time in march she lost interest since i never approached her when she would look at me. and at that point i would be looking at her, admiring her. even though i didnt have her i admired her from afar.
that last day there was a socratic seminar with the desk made in a circle, i sat at the outer layer because i didnt want to talk after i had just gotten into a fight with my so called "friend" whom i thought was my friend for 3 years. he turned on me and started bullying me shortly after i introduced him to my "friend" group. they all in reality didnt like me and instead thought i was some weird loser
and i was really convinced they were my friends because after all we had so much in common, we played soccer and we were both from the same country (that year i realized that even my own people didnt like me and that hurt me so much)
and the reason i got into that fight was because at that point in time i started trying to hide from them, they would bully me so much and i wouldnt stand up for myself that it was my only way of escaping. and basically the day went down like this
i was bullied the day before and after school that day i told myself that i would distance myself from them and hide if i had to, and if he bullied me again i would fight back, i had them for 3rd period so i hid and didnt show up to that class. but i had to hide in the same gym so i literally went to the other side hid as best as i could. i remember hearing them laugh from the distance and it would genuinely scare me because i thought they knew i was hiding there, but no they didnt find me that class. then it was lunchtime, i purposely went late and decided to sit at a different lunchroom with some guys who werent bullys and were chill guys who didnt bother and were people.
they even started being empathetic and asking me what was wrong, i told them and felt better and calmer. but then they found me. i was eating my food then i saw one of the guys in that "friend" group look at me and smile, then from behind me (he literally went around the entire lunchroom to do this) he came and grabbed my head pushing it on the lunch table then started laughing
i snapped, i started swinging at him and ive never felt more weaker. its like as if i was punching in my dreams. i remember shaking so much after it was done, it was the first time in my life that i stood up for myself.
then i got in trouble and had to sit in that disciplinary office for a good minute until they sorted me out. obviously the people there didnt give a fuck about what i told them and just told me to sign a contract that he has to stay away from me and vice versa. i remember making a report on them a few days earlier now that i think about it, it never did anything either
i also now remember when i would get bullied and humiliated i would try telling the teachers or someone with authories on them so they would stop and they never payed me any attention.
but anyway, after all that was said and done i came back to my class and that was that. that was the last time i would ever have a class with her.
then i came home from that long day, and heres what hurt me the most. i tried venting to my parents and instead of understanding and atleast listening to me they just lectured me and didnt pay me any attention as usual, but at that moment when i really needed them they just didnt care enough about me.
i remember going upstairs to my and start crying because i knew i was all alone on dealing with this. thats when i decided to never tell them anything again, i never told thema about my problems, the bullying, nothing.
it hurt so much. and after that once i became homeschool i descended so hard. i would eat food all day ldaring in my room doing nothing, i would shower once a week, i had no energy for anything but hating on society and "normies" and women and etc. i gained weight and stopped looksmaxxing.
and now im trying to better myself, now im a senior in highschool who graduates in a few weeks. and shes a senior too
fuck man, the friend group she hangs with is filled people who would bully me and were very affiliated with the "friend" group who would bully me. she hangs with them, that group she hangs with is just people who dont like me. the people whom i thought would like me because they were my own people from my country.
its so depressing but at the end of the day when i get to my senses i realize, and i realize well, very well
fuck all of this shit man, i have the choice to move on i have everything i need to ascend. fuck them fuck it all, fuck everyone, fuck those who dont like me, those who dont appreaciate me, those who would rather me leave. fuck them
fuck everyone who doesnt like me in my school, fuck them all. i have a choice, a life, a destiny, a future
even if ill never have her even if they never like me they will know that they had the fucking privilidge of speaking to me and knowing me
its an inevitability for me to succeed in this life. i have the fucking knowledge, the iq, the connections, the resources, the genetic combinations, the environment, the personality, the life, the resilience, the mentality, the beautiful panoptic vision that foretold my destiny, God never gave me this path, i fought for it.
i never started, my existence is timeless and when im done with this earth just know that my tongue and my step changed everything
the world is yours, Ash
i wish i wasnt so ugly so i could dm her. i wish i could have her and have her in my arms. so i could live a happy life. it was never about sex. shes just perfect.
i was stalking her socials a few minutes ago and her face made me smile, shes beautiful. she deserves the world, someone i would love to care for, have, love
then i changed apps to snapchat so i could look at my face to remind myself of the brutal reality and my smile disappeared. i then started imaging that the camera was her looking at me and i nearly started crying.
i never cry, only when i really really need to and when i do its very very private.
if i dont ascend then i hope i she finds someone perfect who will treat her like i would.
i only ever talked to her once, and it was 3 years ago. i remember the first day i saw her she would look at me and i would back at her but since i had to much anxiety and fear of rejection and an even bigger fear of her or her friends seeing me do something so personal that i would get made fun of or something
i hate social settings because i hate it when im watched and judged.
i was a sophmore in highschool and i had a whole year with her, i would have two classes with her. 2nd period history and 7th period ela. i took those days for granted, and i ended up missing the last three months of time i had with her in those classes because i decided to be homeschool after i kept getting bullied by my so called friends (a whole story i have made posts on) but yeah. thats what happened
i remember that last day i had in those classes before i switch to homeschool. at that point of time in march she lost interest since i never approached her when she would look at me. and at that point i would be looking at her, admiring her. even though i didnt have her i admired her from afar.
that last day there was a socratic seminar with the desk made in a circle, i sat at the outer layer because i didnt want to talk after i had just gotten into a fight with my so called "friend" whom i thought was my friend for 3 years. he turned on me and started bullying me shortly after i introduced him to my "friend" group. they all in reality didnt like me and instead thought i was some weird loser
and i was really convinced they were my friends because after all we had so much in common, we played soccer and we were both from the same country (that year i realized that even my own people didnt like me and that hurt me so much)
and the reason i got into that fight was because at that point in time i started trying to hide from them, they would bully me so much and i wouldnt stand up for myself that it was my only way of escaping. and basically the day went down like this
i was bullied the day before and after school that day i told myself that i would distance myself from them and hide if i had to, and if he bullied me again i would fight back, i had them for 3rd period so i hid and didnt show up to that class. but i had to hide in the same gym so i literally went to the other side hid as best as i could. i remember hearing them laugh from the distance and it would genuinely scare me because i thought they knew i was hiding there, but no they didnt find me that class. then it was lunchtime, i purposely went late and decided to sit at a different lunchroom with some guys who werent bullys and were chill guys who didnt bother and were people.
they even started being empathetic and asking me what was wrong, i told them and felt better and calmer. but then they found me. i was eating my food then i saw one of the guys in that "friend" group look at me and smile, then from behind me (he literally went around the entire lunchroom to do this) he came and grabbed my head pushing it on the lunch table then started laughing
i snapped, i started swinging at him and ive never felt more weaker. its like as if i was punching in my dreams. i remember shaking so much after it was done, it was the first time in my life that i stood up for myself.
then i got in trouble and had to sit in that disciplinary office for a good minute until they sorted me out. obviously the people there didnt give a fuck about what i told them and just told me to sign a contract that he has to stay away from me and vice versa. i remember making a report on them a few days earlier now that i think about it, it never did anything either
i also now remember when i would get bullied and humiliated i would try telling the teachers or someone with authories on them so they would stop and they never payed me any attention.
but anyway, after all that was said and done i came back to my class and that was that. that was the last time i would ever have a class with her.
then i came home from that long day, and heres what hurt me the most. i tried venting to my parents and instead of understanding and atleast listening to me they just lectured me and didnt pay me any attention as usual, but at that moment when i really needed them they just didnt care enough about me.
i remember going upstairs to my and start crying because i knew i was all alone on dealing with this. thats when i decided to never tell them anything again, i never told thema about my problems, the bullying, nothing.
it hurt so much. and after that once i became homeschool i descended so hard. i would eat food all day ldaring in my room doing nothing, i would shower once a week, i had no energy for anything but hating on society and "normies" and women and etc. i gained weight and stopped looksmaxxing.
and now im trying to better myself, now im a senior in highschool who graduates in a few weeks. and shes a senior too
fuck man, the friend group she hangs with is filled people who would bully me and were very affiliated with the "friend" group who would bully me. she hangs with them, that group she hangs with is just people who dont like me. the people whom i thought would like me because they were my own people from my country.
its so depressing but at the end of the day when i get to my senses i realize, and i realize well, very well
fuck all of this shit man, i have the choice to move on i have everything i need to ascend. fuck them fuck it all, fuck everyone, fuck those who dont like me, those who dont appreaciate me, those who would rather me leave. fuck them
fuck everyone who doesnt like me in my school, fuck them all. i have a choice, a life, a destiny, a future
even if ill never have her even if they never like me they will know that they had the fucking privilidge of speaking to me and knowing me
its an inevitability for me to succeed in this life. i have the fucking knowledge, the iq, the connections, the resources, the genetic combinations, the environment, the personality, the life, the resilience, the mentality, the beautiful panoptic vision that foretold my destiny, God never gave me this path, i fought for it.
i never started, my existence is timeless and when im done with this earth just know that my tongue and my step changed everything
the world is yours, Ash
