E
Ev1lV1mp
Iron
- Joined
- Jun 4, 2026
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Life Story; Help with anything you can(looking for mental diagnoses, how to get people you fumble back or how to deal with being nd)
I am 15 years old(freshman) and I am DEFINITELY nd. First off I am 6’4 172(lean) with a two plate bench and I curl 50s. So naturally I get a lot of complements on little shit and people like me yk. Four foids had asked me out over a two month period since my most recent ascension. But I liked this one girl who was like 5’2 mtb with a wolf cut. Fully alt, like hot topic, pan-sexual, even hazbin hotel and other weird shit. Idk why but I was obsessed with her. I liked her since like the first weeks of school but I had no confidence or social skills for 9 months so I just kinda watched. Eventually I was the most jacked I'd ever been and I was trying my best and I got the confidence to ask for her snap and she was into it. We talked for two weeks before I went on a double date with my hb. Before I tried to get into a relationship I was kinda losing my mind over a few months before. I have always been weird but I got two concussions over a month during fall football season. This kind of kicked it off but I started getting followed around by this person who was always out of my sight but was always right there. Roughly every week and a half I would spend a few days outside of reality where nothing I did experienced was real, where I would cry over the littlest things. During these spells I could picture the person talking to me. They usually looked like me, but on occasion they would look like other people I didn't like, they would yell at me and tell me things that I never knew before. They told me that I don’t have a soul and that I'm not real. I think they were right. There is nothing about me that separates me from the world around me. All I can do is learn and grow and better myself. I also get really obsessed with meaningless things and activity for no reason. Four days ago I entirely learned sign language in the back of class because I got sidetracked. I also got really obsessed with this girl that actually likes me( I had four other mtbs try to date me that month, heightpill is brutal.) So pretty much watched all of these shows she had talked about and really got into larping all these disgusting fanbases and turned into this perfect person. But I was super duper awkward. We had two classes together and I was super duper awkward because I literally had no friends my entire life until I ascended halfway through freshman year. So she kind of got more distant on the second two man after I was too awkward to try to kiss her. Afterwards we still stayed close still looking to actively move forward in the relationship. But around this time my stepmom started drinking again like she used to. Over the last four years my stepmom will when my dad is away on business, get really drunk, yell at me and beat me up. I have a little full brother and two half siblings but she only ever hated me. She was always nice to my brother while she would tell me how fat I was. So she started hitting me again while my dad started travelling for work more. During this time when me and the girl were talking she would come into my room every night and yell at me. During this time my other half took the form off my stepmom even telling me to kill myself so I wouldnt have to see her. I have never been truly afraid of anything in my entire life compared to the overwhelming fear that takes me over when I even so much as think about going home. But yeah around this time I would spend all day everyday walking around like nothing in the whole world matters, thinking about this girl. She was my only outlet to my own mind and my own overwhelming insanity. I recently punched one of my best friends in the face because he made a homophobic joke. I can't even deal with the littlest inconveniences without either getting really mad, or breaking down into tears. Some days I will see people physically smaller or uglier than me, and I feel like throwing up. I have this deep hate for nt’s because I cant imagine not being crazy. I love being me. I also cut myself. One morning before one of the days where I have classes with the mtb I didn’t sleep because I spent 6 straight hours disassociating and talking to my other half. So as the sun rose and I got my perception of time back, I decided to shut him up by self harming. I cut long slits down my leg on the side. One for each thing that I did wrong. Currently I have 31 on the inside of my left leg. They are packed tight and go from the base of my leg to the top. I have other cuts around that area that are failed full length cuts that don’t count. I only did two the first time but I started to like the rush so I kept track for fun. I cut only my left side because that side is not real. My other half only exists through that side so I cut there so I have to focus on the pain and can’t picture the other half of me. Back on topic I got a first date with the only person I care about at this point so I get ready and I think clearly for the first time(Also I only had four cuts at this point.) I show up on time, meet her dad who is 5,5 mltn with a weak grip. She is wearing a super fancy dress with very well put on makeup. Her dad doesn’t like me even though he smiles, he stares at me with hate. He also tells me she spent four hours getting ready, to which she blushes and turns away. We talk, but there is not really a flow, like I have with say my hb. Maybe it's me but it was awkward. I also really hate food. In seventh grade when I was really fat and no one liked me I wouldn’t eat for days straight and make myself throw up after eating any more than 700 calories in one sitting. So I didn’t eat for two days before the date to look pslmaxx. We saw Project Hail Mary and it went well. My left right facial symmetry is terrible because I sidesleep and my right side is more conditioned. But I kept her to my right so I could know what she was saying versus what I was hearing elsewhere. I made her laugh 8 times and we split 17 topics. It wasn’t the most connecting experience. Then I made a move to hold her hand with 45 minutes on the clock. Those were the best 25 minutes of my life. For that short period of time I was loved. I am 27 days old because I was reborn at that moment. Then she went to the bathroom and when she came back we didn't go back to holding hands. As a person I feel like she looks down on me and makes her hard to approach. After the movie ended we walked to the exit and her dad came to pick her up. She told me, ‘You can go home now if you want.’ I left after that. I felt AWFUL after. I should have stayed. But when I got home I thought ‘its ok we still held hands and that shit was awesome.’ But over then next week though she stopped snapping me, she would run past me in the halls and avoid talking to me in class. I tried SO hard to get back to knowing her like before. I cut myself 14 times those first few days. I stayed up two straight days because I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I promised myself that when she stops loving me is when my death will be set in stone and I will be forced to kill myself. (Since then ive settled to if im not loved by May 14 2027 I will kill myself.) But yeah I lost my mind as she drifted further away. In the last two weeks I told her about my stepmom beating me. I don't even hate my stepmom. I deserve to be beaten because I'm not human and I don't have a soul. She(love interest not stepmom) is the only thing in the entire world I care about. So obviously I'm going to weaponize my abuse to re-kindle our relationship. And it worked, she reached back out to me(offering me a place to stay over the weekend, which I did not accept because I don’t want the cops involved). But by Monday I was no-one again. During this time I cut her name into my leg so that I never forget her. On Wednesday she told me she isn’t ready for a relationship; translating you are not enough for me. And that she was questioning her sexuality. My husband told me that she was a full lesbian in middle school so Ig I converted her from lesbian to straight. But in reality I cannot be loved because she liked the idea of me not me because I don't have a soul. And when I couldn’t be a full personality, to move past the next level she got bored and stopped liking dudes. While it does give me confidence that she may never know the touch of another man as no 5 psl or below can convert lesbians past 25, I hate myself and will likely continue harming myself with conventional methods, day drinking, and soon to be Reta and HGH. My hg also informed me that at the time when she was more distant with me she referred to me as a ‘friend’ while talking about her female crush. If you have any advice on anything covered in this please help me.
I am 15 years old(freshman) and I am DEFINITELY nd. First off I am 6’4 172(lean) with a two plate bench and I curl 50s. So naturally I get a lot of complements on little shit and people like me yk. Four foids had asked me out over a two month period since my most recent ascension. But I liked this one girl who was like 5’2 mtb with a wolf cut. Fully alt, like hot topic, pan-sexual, even hazbin hotel and other weird shit. Idk why but I was obsessed with her. I liked her since like the first weeks of school but I had no confidence or social skills for 9 months so I just kinda watched. Eventually I was the most jacked I'd ever been and I was trying my best and I got the confidence to ask for her snap and she was into it. We talked for two weeks before I went on a double date with my hb. Before I tried to get into a relationship I was kinda losing my mind over a few months before. I have always been weird but I got two concussions over a month during fall football season. This kind of kicked it off but I started getting followed around by this person who was always out of my sight but was always right there. Roughly every week and a half I would spend a few days outside of reality where nothing I did experienced was real, where I would cry over the littlest things. During these spells I could picture the person talking to me. They usually looked like me, but on occasion they would look like other people I didn't like, they would yell at me and tell me things that I never knew before. They told me that I don’t have a soul and that I'm not real. I think they were right. There is nothing about me that separates me from the world around me. All I can do is learn and grow and better myself. I also get really obsessed with meaningless things and activity for no reason. Four days ago I entirely learned sign language in the back of class because I got sidetracked. I also got really obsessed with this girl that actually likes me( I had four other mtbs try to date me that month, heightpill is brutal.) So pretty much watched all of these shows she had talked about and really got into larping all these disgusting fanbases and turned into this perfect person. But I was super duper awkward. We had two classes together and I was super duper awkward because I literally had no friends my entire life until I ascended halfway through freshman year. So she kind of got more distant on the second two man after I was too awkward to try to kiss her. Afterwards we still stayed close still looking to actively move forward in the relationship. But around this time my stepmom started drinking again like she used to. Over the last four years my stepmom will when my dad is away on business, get really drunk, yell at me and beat me up. I have a little full brother and two half siblings but she only ever hated me. She was always nice to my brother while she would tell me how fat I was. So she started hitting me again while my dad started travelling for work more. During this time when me and the girl were talking she would come into my room every night and yell at me. During this time my other half took the form off my stepmom even telling me to kill myself so I wouldnt have to see her. I have never been truly afraid of anything in my entire life compared to the overwhelming fear that takes me over when I even so much as think about going home. But yeah around this time I would spend all day everyday walking around like nothing in the whole world matters, thinking about this girl. She was my only outlet to my own mind and my own overwhelming insanity. I recently punched one of my best friends in the face because he made a homophobic joke. I can't even deal with the littlest inconveniences without either getting really mad, or breaking down into tears. Some days I will see people physically smaller or uglier than me, and I feel like throwing up. I have this deep hate for nt’s because I cant imagine not being crazy. I love being me. I also cut myself. One morning before one of the days where I have classes with the mtb I didn’t sleep because I spent 6 straight hours disassociating and talking to my other half. So as the sun rose and I got my perception of time back, I decided to shut him up by self harming. I cut long slits down my leg on the side. One for each thing that I did wrong. Currently I have 31 on the inside of my left leg. They are packed tight and go from the base of my leg to the top. I have other cuts around that area that are failed full length cuts that don’t count. I only did two the first time but I started to like the rush so I kept track for fun. I cut only my left side because that side is not real. My other half only exists through that side so I cut there so I have to focus on the pain and can’t picture the other half of me. Back on topic I got a first date with the only person I care about at this point so I get ready and I think clearly for the first time(Also I only had four cuts at this point.) I show up on time, meet her dad who is 5,5 mltn with a weak grip. She is wearing a super fancy dress with very well put on makeup. Her dad doesn’t like me even though he smiles, he stares at me with hate. He also tells me she spent four hours getting ready, to which she blushes and turns away. We talk, but there is not really a flow, like I have with say my hb. Maybe it's me but it was awkward. I also really hate food. In seventh grade when I was really fat and no one liked me I wouldn’t eat for days straight and make myself throw up after eating any more than 700 calories in one sitting. So I didn’t eat for two days before the date to look pslmaxx. We saw Project Hail Mary and it went well. My left right facial symmetry is terrible because I sidesleep and my right side is more conditioned. But I kept her to my right so I could know what she was saying versus what I was hearing elsewhere. I made her laugh 8 times and we split 17 topics. It wasn’t the most connecting experience. Then I made a move to hold her hand with 45 minutes on the clock. Those were the best 25 minutes of my life. For that short period of time I was loved. I am 27 days old because I was reborn at that moment. Then she went to the bathroom and when she came back we didn't go back to holding hands. As a person I feel like she looks down on me and makes her hard to approach. After the movie ended we walked to the exit and her dad came to pick her up. She told me, ‘You can go home now if you want.’ I left after that. I felt AWFUL after. I should have stayed. But when I got home I thought ‘its ok we still held hands and that shit was awesome.’ But over then next week though she stopped snapping me, she would run past me in the halls and avoid talking to me in class. I tried SO hard to get back to knowing her like before. I cut myself 14 times those first few days. I stayed up two straight days because I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I promised myself that when she stops loving me is when my death will be set in stone and I will be forced to kill myself. (Since then ive settled to if im not loved by May 14 2027 I will kill myself.) But yeah I lost my mind as she drifted further away. In the last two weeks I told her about my stepmom beating me. I don't even hate my stepmom. I deserve to be beaten because I'm not human and I don't have a soul. She(love interest not stepmom) is the only thing in the entire world I care about. So obviously I'm going to weaponize my abuse to re-kindle our relationship. And it worked, she reached back out to me(offering me a place to stay over the weekend, which I did not accept because I don’t want the cops involved). But by Monday I was no-one again. During this time I cut her name into my leg so that I never forget her. On Wednesday she told me she isn’t ready for a relationship; translating you are not enough for me. And that she was questioning her sexuality. My husband told me that she was a full lesbian in middle school so Ig I converted her from lesbian to straight. But in reality I cannot be loved because she liked the idea of me not me because I don't have a soul. And when I couldn’t be a full personality, to move past the next level she got bored and stopped liking dudes. While it does give me confidence that she may never know the touch of another man as no 5 psl or below can convert lesbians past 25, I hate myself and will likely continue harming myself with conventional methods, day drinking, and soon to be Reta and HGH. My hg also informed me that at the time when she was more distant with me she referred to me as a ‘friend’ while talking about her female crush. If you have any advice on anything covered in this please help me.
