Orc
diagnosed autist
Staff
- Joined
- Jul 18, 2022
- Posts
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i think some people just aren't built for closeness, not in the way others are, not in the way that lasts
every time i try, every time i let someone in, it starts the same, cautiously hopeful, almost like maybe this time it'll be different, maybe they'll see me, maybe they'll stay,
but they don't
they always pull away, sometimes slowly, sometimes all at once, like they got too close to something they didn't know how to hold
and every time, it hurts a little less on the surface but a little more underneath,
the ache just sinks deeper, until it doesn't even feel like a reaction anymore, it just is, like background noise in my chest that never shuts off
i know i'm intense, i know i say too much, feel too much, want too much, but i don't know how else to be, i've tried being easy, casual, digestible, they still leave, they always leave
i see people who seem to belong to each other, they're not perfect, but they fit, they joke, touch, text back, stay, and i'm always on the outside looking in, like some defective thing, not broken in a way that can be fixed, just made wrong from the start
people say there's someone for everyone, but what if there isn't, what if some of us are just... lids without pots
what if we're the exception to the rule, the ones who make people uncomfortable and don't even know why
i don't want a million friends, i don't want popularity, i just want someone to not get tired of me
someone who sees the weirdness, the intensity, the sadness, and doesn't recoil
but i'm starting to think that person doesn't exist, and if that's true
then what am i supposed to do with the space inside me that's always waiting for someone to fill it?
what do i do with the loneliness that i've built a life around?
i've tried everything, but it always comes down to the same thing, they leave, and i'm left with the same emptiness i started with
how do i stop wanting something i'll never have?
how do i keep going when the silence feels like a wall, and i'm the only one on the other side?
every time i try, every time i let someone in, it starts the same, cautiously hopeful, almost like maybe this time it'll be different, maybe they'll see me, maybe they'll stay,
but they don't
they always pull away, sometimes slowly, sometimes all at once, like they got too close to something they didn't know how to hold
and every time, it hurts a little less on the surface but a little more underneath,
the ache just sinks deeper, until it doesn't even feel like a reaction anymore, it just is, like background noise in my chest that never shuts off
i know i'm intense, i know i say too much, feel too much, want too much, but i don't know how else to be, i've tried being easy, casual, digestible, they still leave, they always leave
i see people who seem to belong to each other, they're not perfect, but they fit, they joke, touch, text back, stay, and i'm always on the outside looking in, like some defective thing, not broken in a way that can be fixed, just made wrong from the start
people say there's someone for everyone, but what if there isn't, what if some of us are just... lids without pots
what if we're the exception to the rule, the ones who make people uncomfortable and don't even know why
i don't want a million friends, i don't want popularity, i just want someone to not get tired of me
someone who sees the weirdness, the intensity, the sadness, and doesn't recoil
but i'm starting to think that person doesn't exist, and if that's true
then what am i supposed to do with the space inside me that's always waiting for someone to fill it?
what do i do with the loneliness that i've built a life around?
i've tried everything, but it always comes down to the same thing, they leave, and i'm left with the same emptiness i started with
how do i stop wanting something i'll never have?
how do i keep going when the silence feels like a wall, and i'm the only one on the other side?
