how do I accept that this is my reality forever?

[McSkziofren]

who cares about you faggot

 

[hirocope]

I resonate well with what you wrote. Nothing I tried changes it. Maybe discipline helps (self-loving?). The genuine alternative I have constantly in my mind is rope. Still, we are not wired to kill ourselves, unfortunately, so unless the pain becomes all at once extreme, like too much (which is the case of what we are talking about), that is also not a viable solution.
Maybe