Reoreyh
Bronze
- Joined
- Jul 15, 2019
- Posts
- 426
- Reputation
- 694
When I was born my mother had post partum depression and outbursts of extreme rage. I was beaten horribly and developed a deep, subconscious self loathing. I have always felt like a complete and utter genetic reject. I was too young to know what was going on until I was older. My father couldn't understand why I resented and feared my mother, and she would default into victim mode. Imagine being younger than 4 and having your mother convince herself, your father, and you, that you were victimizing her - a grown woman. How do you grow up not feeling like a genetic dead end, financial and emotional burden? You're the victim of random, confusing violence and you believe it's your own fault. That you deserve it. Then imagine that your mother considers you such a genetic reject that she makes your dad get a vasectomy - to make damned sure no more trash like you comes out. Then cucks your dad and gets pregnant. Then raises you alongside your (half) brother, while your father is somehow completely ignorant or just doesn't care.
In school I was beaten, ostracized, stolen from. The girls used to lie and say I was hitting them and calling them names so that the boys could beat the shit out of me. On halloween in the 7th grade they cornered me, pushed me on the ground and stomped on my head and face and kicked me until the recess break was over. My face has never been the same since. It was so bad that many of the boys involved - even the ones that still hated me - found the moral depth to apologize and never hit me again. They went so far they frightened themselves, or perhaps they realised that the girls were lying. I was a quiet kid who never spoke to anyone. I can't imagine when I would have had the opportunity to say horrible things to the girls. I cried myself to sleep each night from 8 years old to 16. Highschool was better, as I had grown larger, but was still a nightmare. The violence was more intense and random and from kids I didn't even know. I would be checked face first into lockers at times. Chipping my teeth and doing god knows what other damage to my face during my development years. I later learned that some of the kids I sat with at lunch were spitting in my food. Bags of chips and drinks were poured onto me at times. I developed severe anxiety at this point. I began sleeping 14 hours a day and skipping school and class to do so. In the 12th grade I had 111 skips.
If this world wants you dead, it will find a way. I have been falsely accused of rape and sexual assault numerous times. Three instances of these were women I had never met. I had the good fortune to enter my early and mid twenties as feminism and the social justice movement was gaining traction. My brain was flooded with propaganda about how I am passively victimizing women and minorities around me just by being a heterosexual white male. Finally I realized that I myself was a victim, only to be labelled an oppressor by default. Knowing that society viewed women as victims by default, and becoming aware of what my mother had done to me and my family filled me with indescribable rage and agony. It was then that I decided I was going to kill myself. I would not make it to 30.
Morality doesn't exist. There are no good people. We all respond to strength and weakness and nothing else. We can smell it on people, whether or not they're genetic trash or worth keeping around. A malaise and air of inferiority has followed me everywhere in life. So much seems out of my power. I genuinely believe I would have been carried into the ocean or forest to die if I had not been born in the modern era.
The fear of pain and not knowing what's on the other side is the only thing keeping me from suicide. I managed to stretch out my miserable life to 30, fueled by spite and anger alone. I don't have those anymore. I feel like they were correct in their assessment and treatment of me.
I apologize for how disjointed and incoherent this might be. I am not well.
In school I was beaten, ostracized, stolen from. The girls used to lie and say I was hitting them and calling them names so that the boys could beat the shit out of me. On halloween in the 7th grade they cornered me, pushed me on the ground and stomped on my head and face and kicked me until the recess break was over. My face has never been the same since. It was so bad that many of the boys involved - even the ones that still hated me - found the moral depth to apologize and never hit me again. They went so far they frightened themselves, or perhaps they realised that the girls were lying. I was a quiet kid who never spoke to anyone. I can't imagine when I would have had the opportunity to say horrible things to the girls. I cried myself to sleep each night from 8 years old to 16. Highschool was better, as I had grown larger, but was still a nightmare. The violence was more intense and random and from kids I didn't even know. I would be checked face first into lockers at times. Chipping my teeth and doing god knows what other damage to my face during my development years. I later learned that some of the kids I sat with at lunch were spitting in my food. Bags of chips and drinks were poured onto me at times. I developed severe anxiety at this point. I began sleeping 14 hours a day and skipping school and class to do so. In the 12th grade I had 111 skips.
If this world wants you dead, it will find a way. I have been falsely accused of rape and sexual assault numerous times. Three instances of these were women I had never met. I had the good fortune to enter my early and mid twenties as feminism and the social justice movement was gaining traction. My brain was flooded with propaganda about how I am passively victimizing women and minorities around me just by being a heterosexual white male. Finally I realized that I myself was a victim, only to be labelled an oppressor by default. Knowing that society viewed women as victims by default, and becoming aware of what my mother had done to me and my family filled me with indescribable rage and agony. It was then that I decided I was going to kill myself. I would not make it to 30.
Morality doesn't exist. There are no good people. We all respond to strength and weakness and nothing else. We can smell it on people, whether or not they're genetic trash or worth keeping around. A malaise and air of inferiority has followed me everywhere in life. So much seems out of my power. I genuinely believe I would have been carried into the ocean or forest to die if I had not been born in the modern era.
The fear of pain and not knowing what's on the other side is the only thing keeping me from suicide. I managed to stretch out my miserable life to 30, fueled by spite and anger alone. I don't have those anymore. I feel like they were correct in their assessment and treatment of me.
I apologize for how disjointed and incoherent this might be. I am not well.
