how does one cope?

[arthurfish]

How does one cope with the knowledge that it's over? How does one cope with the knowledge that it's over and that it's entirely their own fault? I hate being such a raging autist. It's genuinely just fucking life-ruining. It makes me want to freak out so bad. I want to pull each individual hair from out of my head right now. I fucked up and I have no one to blame but myself.

Never have I felt more suicidal and hopeless than now. I hate being me and I hate being trapped in this retarded, defective, subhuman mind. I hate that this is my one life and I'll have to live it out as an autist. I wish I was normal and I'd trade everything for that. I hate how much I crave human attention and affection and love and connection but I can't have it. I can't have it because I'm a soulless subhuman. I am immutably autistic and the only solution is to blow my fucking head off.

Even if I don't kill myself today or tomorrow or ever, I doubt I'll ever live happily because happiness is inaccessible to people like me. I could wake up as Chad tomorrow and it'd make zero difference. Even if I were Chad, I'd probably still think about suicide on a daily basis. It all just feels so hopeless and nothing ever works out.